S1 E5 Shit2TalkAbout Generational Trauma with Patience Modevi
Transcript was AI generated, if there are mistakes, please let me know! Thank you in advance! Jenn Junod
Hey, Patience. Thank you for joining. Shit. You don't want to talk about. What shit do you want to talk about and please introduce yourself?
Patience Modevi
Ok. Hi Jen. Well, thank you for having me on shit. You don't want to talk about podcast. I'm really happy to be here. And so I'm Patience. I'm a mindset coach for young people. I work with young people around different subjects. But generally, what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to combat in my own way. Generational trauma and support young people to thrive and to have the best life they can have with all the tools possible. So what would I like to talk about today? I would like to talk
about generational trauma and the way we carry all the way parents often carry things that they haven't dealt with and then they give it to the other generation and in particular, in terms of where I come from and my background. So, African background born and raised in France. so adding some extra trauma or some extra levels on there and then moved to London So if I can talk to you about all of this in this episode, I think we would have won so many good topics to talk about here.
Jenn Junod
I, I think a good place to start would be. Where are you from? Like you said, you're from France and how did you grow up there and end up in London?
Patience Modevi
Yes. So basically, my parents, I was talking with my parents. So my parents are from Togo and from Ghana and they ended up moving to France and then they met and had me patients there. So I was born and raised in France. I lived there most of my life in between. I did three years living in Togo in between and then came back to France and in my early adulthood, if I can say that I moved to London following the loss of my mom as I lost my mom, I was aged 16.
And I think the trauma was so much and I couldn't talk to, I couldn't really deal with it. Staying with my dad, I decided to leave France and England was always a country that was dear to me because my mom was so Ghanaian. So she had the English side with her and I thought, OK, I'm just going to move there for a bit and I ended up staying here for 20 years.
Jenn Junod
So and, and that's a good call out too. You are in the UK in London and I am in the States. So also thank you for working on our time zone differences. And II, I do remember from our intro call. There was a bit about how when your mother passed away that you really use that to fuel what you're working towards now. And also, the grief that came with that, that I don't think a lot of people really think about. Would you be willing to talk to us about that a bit?
Patience Modevi
Yes. So, so if I can just quickly go back into what happened? So, I lost my mom in the summer of 2017 and at the time I was 16 years old. So can you imagine a 16 years old? I was the last baby of the family coming into a if I could say recomposed family. And so I ended up being myself with my dad. And what happened at that time is that I realized that there was a lot of things that weren't dealt with in terms of if I can give an example like with my dad.
So, you know, I mean, I don't know if you know, but often in African culture, the man has got that this figure of the man of the family and he carries everything and he never really showed how much, we never knew how much he loved my mom until he actually lost her in the sense of like it was so hard for him to deal with the loss of my mom. And that created a lot, a lot of arguments, a lot of problem between ourselves.
And that led me to leave the house. But what happened is that I think at some point, my dad forgot that I was still a child and I still had some growing up to do and he still had to be there and care for me in that way and nurture me in that way. But he was dealing with his own trauma and his own, if I could say loss. And at that point, he did not have the capacity to support me.
And that's when I also realized that in my family or in people around me, not a lot of people had that capacity into supporting me either going through the part of the loss that I was going through. So, all of this, all of this led me to seek out my own. if I could say family cocoon my own, you know, like re re reimagine and redo my own family, my own family, we have my own family.
And I ended up meeting my first husband who at the time I thought was the man of my life and I was gonna stay with him forever. Which I didn't realize he was, a narcissistic person and I ended up with my wanting to, with my wanting to, we refund or relieve the love that I had when we were all as a family. I ended up being with somebody who was abusive and actually took advantage of my naivety and me being young, as he was, quite older than me.
So that led me, all in all. That's not just that reason, but it's part of the reason that led me to right now be in the position where I am where I support young people so that they can, they can develop skills and tools that support them into being the best self. But also so being aware of their surrounding and their environment and also being aware of when someone is loving, loving and when someone is loving, abusive or when someone really wants your, your best, because I can talk
about different things, not just in terms of like relationship as in a husband and wife or boyfriend, girlfriend or girlfriend, girlfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, but in terms of just relationship with people in the workplace, for example. for years, I used to say sorry all the time, sorry for what I don't know.
But I used to feel that me being there, me being in a position, I was taking space that I wasn't supposed to be taking and all of this came from from the, from generational trauma from things that my parents maybe did not deal with and they weren't able to equip me with. And then I went on to carrying, this kind of like,
Patience Modevi, Jenn Junod
I wouldn't say weakness but, this kind of space where I, I felt like I wasn't well being there and I am so grateful that you're here because I know that when we spoke during the intro call that really hit home for me, with what happened with your mom and how you saw that it wasn't necessarily like your family wasn't wanting, not wanting to take care of you.
Jenn Junod
It was more like they were dealing with their own loss, which I am fortunate enough to have both of my family and both of my parents. I have had, that with friends yet I can and that was very, very traumatic for me. But I can only imagine as a parent or a sibling or something like that. And that is, that is very, very difficult to go through. And I just find it so interesting is not the right word.
It's, almost like just so powerful. I think that you saw a, that they were doing it because they were taking care of themselves. But also when you went into your really, when you first got married that it was the, you know, it was to have that family cocoon. I have done that before. I have been married, I got married when I was 20 divorced when I was 22.
And, yeah, a lot of it was because I didn't see my own worth and I wanted to, as you said, cocoon and have my family cocoon and feel loved and, and it just wasn't a, a at all a good match whatsoever. What? And you, you spoke about relationships and I think that is a big thing that we could go into. not even the generational part, but in relationships. So many people don't realize that they're in narcissistic relationships or for myself, I was able to work through and have better,
romantic relationships. Like my partner now is the best partner I've ever had in the healthiest relationship. And that's why I'm able to do this podcast. And yet until this last year, I always found myself in very, very toxic workplaces where I finally figured out friendships came first, then romantic relationships. And now I finally had to work on work and how do you spot those people? And how do you teach the youth around you to spot people that are not healthy for them?
Patience Modevi
Yeah. And then, oh, I love that. You, you, you, you talked about that because that's especially the, the time that I used to say sorry a lot was at work and that did not help me, that did not help me in the slightest. So I had iii I had the qualities I had the skills I had, everything to go forth. But I was always, I would say, you know, second or last, whichever.
but because I, I used to say sorry so much and because I believed I was not worth being at that place. So what I realized with my experience and with the skills that I've learned in terms of, N LP, in terms of coaching is that, first thing first is to know yourself, that's the first thing in everything. Once you get to know yourself, you are able to know what you want and what you need, you are able to distinguish what is good for you and what isn't and you're assertive enough to be able to
say, hold on, this is not serving me or this is serving me. And I found that for a, for a lot of young people, they are, they come to a stage where they are going to school, they are going to uni or they are going into work, in different places and then they come to a stage where they come to a standstill and they can't move off and then they start to doubt themselves and they think that they are the ones with the problem or they are the ones not, having the skills or the ability to go forth.
But actually it's because they haven't put, their wealth as the top, the top. I would say the top priority when you know your wealth and when you know where you are, what's your vision where you are thinking of going from that place on? Everything starts to make sense if I can say it like that. So if I was to come back on to relationship at work, in any case, so imagine you can feel and you can sense that someone doesn't like you and they tend to have confrontation with you at many times.
You would deal differently with it if you have doubt in yourself than if you know who you are, you would deal differently with it and you would take it. I would say in a slightly different way. So for example, having assertiveness is knowing that this person right here is bullying me. For example, this person is harassing me is knowing that this person is just having a joke and we're all having a joke together and that's happening.
Do you understand? And I think that sometimes there's blurred lines between that and the other and that's where people get confused. And what happens is that is what happens is that the joke goes further and further and you feel like, oh no, this person is still joking when actually they've gone into bullying modes or confrontation modes and then you end up having to be in a place where it's like I need to fend for myself.
But how do I fend for myself. And that's horrible because what happens in the, in that space is that you will be, you will be lost when they think of, promotion. They won't promote you because they will see you as lacking of confidence. They will see you as lacking of assertiveness. And if you can't be, I wouldn't say behave, behave is the wrong word. But if you can't hold your own, if I can see it like that in a team, you start to become a target for most of, I mean, everybody which is which
is why my work is on confidence building is on knowing yourself and understanding what is important for you and what isn't knowing your principles and, and standing by your, a couple of things that I took away from what you were talking about and for clarification for myself.
Jenn Junod
But also our listeners, you mentioned that how important all of this trust and worthiness work goes with your exper experience with N LP and with with coaching, what is N LP?
Patience Modevi
OK. So MLP is a neuro linguistic programming and it's basically a language that is used in terms of like if I can say bluntly reprogramming your mindset and and taking you from taking you from a place maybe of anxiety to a place of where you are confident, then you are able to go through challenges.
Jenn Junod
OK, that, that makes a lot more sense. And thank you for that. I, I would say for myself, even when, while you're talking about how a lot of this goes for work and with, you know, uni and school and for myself, I know that I've gotten a lot of feedback that I don't always trust myself. And that's been something I've worked very hard on because it's, I've always struggled with that because I'm like, well, I'm new here so I must not know what's going on. And even all of the people that I've
reported to are always, like, Jen, trust your instincts, you're good. Like, you know, how to do this, like, your instincts are really good. And I'm like, oh, you know, and I always second guess myself and I would love to hear about how do people, yeah, you, you talked about that? They need to work on themselves and know their vision and know their worth. Yeah. Where do people start? Where, where is that? You know, a, a quick tip that you could get people to get started.
Patience Modevi
Yeah. well, the way I get young people to start is by asking really simple questions and it's like, it's completely unrelated but it works. So basically is, what's your favorite color? What, what do you, what do you like? What do you dislike? which movie do you watch? which are really the, like you would think. What are you talking about patients?
Is this working? Yes, it works. So basically is we start from there and then from there, we start by asking reverse question. So for example, what it is that you want to achieve? Yeah. And once the person says what they want to achieve, what makes you think that you can't achieve it. Do you understand? So we start from a really basic questions and then we go into a much more deeper question, but then we use it in a reverse way and that means that the person is thinking well, yes, why can't
I do that? OK, let's look at the skills that you've got or let's look at the qualities you have that makes it that you can achieve this thing or maybe not achieve it. And why do you think so? So he always come back to you. So, in the questioning, I always come back to the person. I do not give you answers, the answers always come from the person that, with whom I am talking.
However, going through this questioning, what happens is that at the end, the person gets to a time of a place where they're more confident in themselves and they're more like, oh, hold on, I can't do this. I've always been able to do this. So what happened there? But because you've gone through in another way and you've not like put the focus on it, they've not come to the realization until the end. So that's one tip, a second tip that you can, can do is used like a funnel.
So I don't know if you I could explain it. Yeah. So basically he's using a funnel. So he's asking a question and started starting by asking a question with seven words and the person has to answer with seven words. And then you go down, you go down, you go down until you get to two or one word. And then at the end they realize either what's been the catalyst or either what it is that they really want, that would be really hard.
Jenn Junod
I don't even know if I could put a question into seven words. I think, I also, I know for myself, I like to use a lot of words.
Patience Modevi
Yes, exactly. So this will work for you. So basically, when you're using a lot of words, you can't really pinpoint what is the issue or what it is you wanna say? So you talk about it broadly, but broadly could be anything. But then once you start going like through the funnel and that you get to the thing. So for example, if I could give you an example of one time I did it with a young person. And they were saying they went from saying like they would like to have a house or you know, a house
when they, they are in an adult, place when they, they can have the house, they would like to have a house and actually, by going through the funnel, we got to, actually, they wanted to have safety and security. Ok. Do you understand? Yeah. So they would never come and say, I want safety, they would never come and say I want safety or I want security, but that's what came out of the funnel.
Jenn Junod
Interesting. Ok. And now that we've dug in a bit more there and how to work through, you know, relationships in general. How do you see or help with generational trauma? Because I feel like I, I'm fortunate enough that I get to really see that as I've learned more about my family history, but a lot of people don't realize how their parents or their grandparents have affected their life. How do people look into that?
Patience Modevi
Yeah, I think once it's a mirror. So it's using a a mirror if I can say a mirror action. So basically, you are going, you are going into the conversation and asking questions about what they feel, how they feel deep inside. So basically, if I can say it like that a lot of people, I'm gonna use money because I also work with money mindset. Yeah. So money mindset and generational trauma.
What happens his parents have gone through their life with the challenges. They've been maybe sometime as people say, knocked down by life and they haven't been able to have a successful life. They haven't been able to have success in terms of finances. And they are often in the same circle of like, I'm counting the money at the end of the month.
I'm counting the money of the end of the month or sometimes even, before the end of the month, I don't have any money. And this is a circle. This is a circle of like not allowing yourself to have enough, not allowing you not being comfortable in that place where you have enough money set aside that it doesn't matter how much you earn. So you could earn 100.
I will, I will use pound here, £100 and you would still struggle and you could use maybe £10,000 and you would still struggle at the end of the month. It's a circle. It's this thing of being of saying, I'm not worth having this. This is not my life. This is not something that I've been used to. My parents never had this. So how can I have that?
So it its not having been given the permission, but you need to understand that the permission can only be coming from you. And once you take that step and you give yourself permission, then it means that other generations to come will also be able to take that step and take their own. If I can say ownership of, for example, money.
Patience Modevi, Jenn Junod
It does make sense.
Jenn Junod
And this has been a theme that we've, I've actually been seeing throughout a few episodes of almost that mindset of scarcity versus abundance where if it's in the mindset of scarcity, we, at least I've done it for myself of, I'll spend all the money I have because I'm too afraid that I don't know when it will come next. Whereas it's taken a long time for me to learn that I don't have to do what my parents did with money and I now have a healthier, can't say perfect but healthier relationship with money. I'm very, I look forward to it. We'll, we'll also be having a financial coach on the podcast that goes into deeper about the financial standpoint on the mindset around money. One. Yes, money is a, a very easy key to talk about what I'm also wondering if you've had experience in this and what you may suggest of for generational trauma can also happen in emotionally but also systemically, especially I know, I know that you're in the UK and from France, I know
here in the US, this is something that generationally and systemically, we still have people of color that deal with these issues and it can be dismissed so easily. And do you have any thoughts on how people can work up through that?
Patience Modevi
Yes. 11. Well, the first thing is talking about it and as we are doing right now is talking about things that people don't want to talk about. So, if I was to give you an example of, things that happened in my life or in my, if I can say carried over a generation is that my, my mom, so basically my mom, was married to somebody before she met, my dad. I think they were together but they were not married, but they had Children together.
And what happened is that she was in an abusive relationship. But what happened along the lines is that even though she talked about the story, There was, was there a learning, I'm not sure because I got into the same pattern myself. The only way I, I broke free to that pattern was after I had been hurt and after I came to my limit, but how can people see from themselves, see from themselves, what's been happening before and what's happened in generations previously and say, no, this
will not happen with me and I will move away. This is not something that I want to be associated with if I can say like that, yeah, associated with, I guess and being associated with is by I would say I know that it can sound so I don't want to say woo woo, but it can sound a little bit woo to say that you need to hold a vision for yourself, but basically you do, you do need to have a vision of yourself and you do need to see where you're seeing yourself.
A lot of people like young people are telling me I don't want to end up like my dad or I don't want to end up like my mom. Which steps do you feel that you're going to take or which way you're going to act in order to not be like, to not be, or to not go through what your parents have gone through. This is something that, this is where the conversation gets real.
So it's really easy. So if I have to go through much, a more deeper way, in terms of like domestic, domestic violence, for example, you see that some often young people, because I've worked with young people who were abused but also who were the abusers? Yeah. young people often have seen this happening and they've seen it as the norm and they've decided that this was the way to, they've decided that this was the way that they were gonna carry on because this is the way they had seen it.
Unfortunately. we all know that, we all know that going through something that you, because you've seen, it doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do, isn't it? So, in that side, I feel like, for me, you have to, it's all coming to the wealth. What is it that you're worth? What is it that is your vision? What is it? Where do you see yourself? And when you see yourself, how do people who are already in that place?
How do they, do they act in the way that you believe is that way? You have to understand that. Not because your parents are your parents, they don't necessarily have to be your your role model. If I can say it like that, being a role model is not just being there, that's not what being a role model is. Being a role model is actually modeling what you feel is gonna be positive and what's gonna bring a positive impact in someone's life.
So if you see someone suffering is that really a positive impact, no, but it's having those conversations and really going deep with that person on 1 to 1 and going through small steps and breaking down the steps. So if I was to give you an example of a young person I work with. So basically, the mother, the parents are in relationships but they are not happy together.
They are in a relationship where they are not really living as a family unit, but mostly the mother is taking the role of everyone and the dad is there but is not really present into the family unit. What this has brought is that the young person has been looking for love somewhere else. Why did she look for love somewhere else? Because she did not see it where she is in our environment.
So she went looking for it somewhere else. And what happened is that she ended up into a series of misadventures which were not good for her, for her, for her safety. And and also on the legal side, the mother discovered this and the mother started to started to feel guilty because she felt that she was the, she was the catalyst of what happened to her daughter. I believe that in both ways, there is no culprit if I can say it, culprit, yes, there's no culprit into what it is that has
happened. But it's understanding that where you're coming from, you're coming from a place where you want things to be better and it's looking at what it is that you need to pose as acts that will go with that vision. So for me, I, I will say this is the answer.
Jenn Junod
OK? And, and thank you for that. I, I like how it's its own individual where you in it and see if I paraphrase it the correct way is, is that you, if you're, you're seeing something that you're not liking and or something that is in your past or your, your parental unit or your family unit and you're wanting to change it is to see
what people you see have that lifestyle that you want and see if what your actions and what your behaviors match their behaviors and what steps to take to be able to change that
Patience Modevi
in, in. So basically, is that, is that in a whole, is that in a whole? But it's also it, it has to be linked to your vision. So it has to be linked to what it is that you want to portray what it is that you want to be. And I have to be, I think we have to be brutally honest here. Not everyone wants to be portrayed as, somebody who's good or somebody who's, who has, maybe who doesn't, if I can use fight or, you know, who is not violent.
Not every, not everyone has got that, that life thinking a lot of people, I was, I don't want to say a lot of people, but often people also have this idea that to get through certain things they got, they've got to be aggressive and they've got to go with in a violent way which is not the way, but this is part of life. Like you, you have people out there who have that thing and, and thinking that, oh, because you have the vision or because you rolling, you have the role model of the role model
and the vision is not only that, that will help somebody break through the generational trauma, it's also like steps in terms of themselves. Like that's where we will use like mindfulness and understanding the simple things of life and how those things can grant you. And from there, how you are able to show up as well.
So there's different habits that you put in place and on a daily basis, you kind of do so that you get to that place. But basically, yes, the two things that will be at the forefront will be having a role model, somebody who you can see as a mentor, but also having this vision for yourself.
Jenn Junod
Great. Thank you. And that's more on an individual level. And do you see anything that we can do on more? And give me a second, let me work on phrasing this question because to me, in my opinion, to be able to work on systemic issues, we need to start with individuals because individuals are what make a system and you know, a country yet so many and being in politics is definitely not where I want to go with any of this.
Yet, there is definitely, you know, systemic issues in, in all countries. It's OK, maybe not in all countries, but at least in some first world countries. What, what are steps do you know of any steps that we can work towards to be able to, with individuals that we may not have a chance to have that 1 to 1 relationship. Like, I don't think I'm gonna, I would love to, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to interview everyone for my podcast.
That would be awesome. I could have a daily podcast and never run out of content. yet it's changing the systemic issues we have. That, that is something that we all need to take action towards and what we believe in. And that at least to myself, one part of it is the racial biases that we have and that is something that does come up in, in most countries.
And that is something that I would love to hear. How if you have any suggestions on how we work towards that, on breaking that generational trauma to of more of that systemic issue instead of as an individual basis.
Patience Modevi
OK, I understand what you're saying and you're not gonna like my, but it goes, it goes back to the individual. But I will say, I think, I, I think it, when I say go back to the individual, I mean, in the terms of being part of the community. So a lot of, a lot of things happen often because there's isolation, the more you are within the community, the more you take part in things that are happening in your city or in.
I would say in your school. Not, not things that you've been forced to be, to do to do. You know, like everyone has to go to school. Not that, not in that way, but putting yourself in. I don't like staying out of your comfort zone because everybody needs to have this certain comfort zone. It's important to have it, but it's going out of your comfort zone and going to go, going to see other people.
How do they live, how do they, you know, get accustomed to how the culture is like, for example, and just giving you that example, in France, there is a lot of racism, there's a lot of racism. And it, you can see it because most of the the groups that are, that are the eth ethnicity group or ethnic group that are feeling, you know, this, the, I mean, I'm looking for my words here.
But basically the groups, the minority or I don't like to say minority, but the ethnic groups that are at the forefront of the racism often are black people and black people lately. A couple of years, there's been the Asian people and also Arabic people mostly in France. And often they come from, from families, not all the time, but most of the time they come from families that are poor.
they dress a certain way which is the same way as everybody dresses. so basically they are, profiled, you know, like people are seeing them like, police officers will automatically stop certain individual even though they haven't done anything just because of the way they look. And this has happened a lot. But I feel like it's, it's a weird way in a weird way.
I feel like being in France. I knew more about other cultures than I do. Now. We were all mixed together. Like when there was an Islamic you know, party or celebration, everybody will come and, and offer the couscous to your neighbor or offer, you know, the cakes to your neighbor. There was this kind of I was brought up in this way and a lot of people in France were brought up in that way and still in France, there's a lot of racism like you go to a job, you go to other places and it's still
there. But one thing I realized is that when everybody is put in a box, nobody is mixing themselves. Do you understand? So the people who are kind of like coming away from that are people who are going into other places who are trying to see other things. But most of everyone, they stay in their community and they stay in that same box and if I can say box, but basically they stay at the same place.
And I think this is why people have this difficulty of understanding and getting empathic, empathetic with others, you know, and CRE having. So the more you are mixed, the more you are going to learn about other cultures, learn about other people, go into the community, for example. for young people, I always say that it's good to volunteer but also not volunteer just in the place where they will be happy like a music festival, but also volunteering maybe at the, the age age
concern like the, the place where there's maybe old people, older people are staying or even people who are who have a disability, you know, and understand it where they're coming from and how they are living. And I think in a, in a big the way this is what's happening. And I think there's a I don't want to see big words here but ignorance, ignorance is what's coming to my mind.
I feel that there is ignorance and I feel like the more everybody go and learn about other people, the more less there will be of of this racism system. And also the more empathy will, there will be more empathy. I will say this is my my take.
Jenn Junod
Thank you. And as you were sharing that it actually made me realize that of how to connect the individual to the systemic way. And I just realized even as you, as you were talking to for the, this is my own understanding of systemic issues. So for our listeners, so please like maybe go Google it after this just to make sure it's the right understanding but systemic issues are issues that are part of our processes in the government, in law enforcement, in schools, those are all issues
that could have come from especially racism. One that I know within the US is called redlining. Because back when parts of the country were being built, they would only allow black people within redlined areas. And that, that is why like there was a huge divide and that is my understanding of systemic issues and systemic racism. Now, going back into what you were saying, patients, I just wanted to throw that out there.
I realized that not everyone might know what systemic issues are. I love the fact that you grew up in an area where everyone had an opportunity to get to know people of other backgrounds. And there I have two thoughts on this one. I found this for myself. There is such a thing as intellectual burden, meaning that let's say that I have patience.
You're like my token person that I'm gonna ask you all the issues of black people ever. That is an intellectual burden because that is not your job to educate me as a white person. That is not, I can use Google, you know, and I have to learn this the hard way. And I just want to say to all our listeners, like, definitely ask questions about different cultures that you don't know, just people aren't required to answer you at the same time, you aren't required to answer other people.
For all of our listeners. I just really want to throw that out there. And I love that fact that even though that was a really, really hard thing for me to learn, I love that, I was able to learn that because it also taught me to be much more respectful because I am lucky enough to have such a good friend that is Islamic. I met her while I was sent to Europe for work.
She lives in Germany and she has two kids and they are mixed race and it was just such a, a cool time because I have traveled with her and her kids and she took the time to explain different parts of her religion and why she does wear a hijab and how she's teaching her kids. And she took me to a few of the Islamic parties that they had and it was so eye opening to see all of these differences and yet similarities of what, where I was brought.
And I feel fortunate because she would call me out if she's like Jen, you're being a little rude right now. Oh, my bad. All right. Let me rewind it. And just being open to that. So I just really want our listeners to hear that, that you can definitely have that curiosity and that openness yet. If you cross somebody's boundaries, just, you know, take a step back and please don't push and has that happened to you?
Like, is that something that, when you've been curious about other, other cultures or anything that you've, you've found that you have to find out information from other places.
Patience Modevi
I think, I think, to be honest with you, I'm someone who's really curious. So I will go and I will go and Google things or I will go and research things, but it's true that going into, for example, another country, I would maybe want to, I would want to be with the people who are local. I wouldn't want to be in the touristic area. Except when I want to, except when I want to be, I would, when I'm doing self care, when I self care, I go to touristic areas.
Mostly because I don't want, I don't really want to do much, you know, I just want everything done for me, but on another note, I, we always travel, mostly we always travel where we gonna stay with locals. So basically we go to local places, we actually make an effort to learn the language at least a few sentences where we are going even I went because sorry, I said we, we I'm talking about my husband and my kids, but basically we went to Madea.
We can't speak Portuguese, but still we managed, we learned a few sentences and we stayed with locals. So we were at the end of the at the end of the how many days we were there, we were actually part of the village where we were staying and people were like, oh la la and you know, like these kind of things. But, but I feel like that's always been my approach into being with people and being open with people.
But I get that it's not everyone's approach either. So I don't, do you see what I'm saying? It's a fine line of to say to people like this or that. But I feel like especially lately with everything that's been happening and which is one of the reasons why I really wanted to do this work with young people as well, is that a lot more people being more interested into understanding more about what, for example, I'm going through.
a lot more people are empathetic to what I'm going through as a black person. not, you know, as a black person but as a black woman as well. where I am right now. I found this more since unfortunately, the George Floyd incident, more than I've seen it before. I have to be honest.
Jenn Junod
on that, on this side, I, and my heart goes out to, I don't even know how to say it of the fact that we needed something so horrific to happen, to be able to shine light on something that's been happening for the like generations I think is the best way to say it. Like it's only been what, 100 years, Maybe I should know my times better but it's something that I hate that it took till 2020 for that to happen.
And yet it, I I am grateful that there is more awareness that people are learning about what white fragility is. And yet I love that you said that people are being more empathetic to who you are as a black woman. And I am also curious of how would you explain your view of the world as a black woman?
Patience Modevi
Well, I think, well, I, I think for me, I am, I don't OK. I really don't want to sound cliche here, but I see the good everywhere. for me, I see the good first until you show me otherwise that is bad. So and I've always been like that, but I think 20 years ago, you could have added this with naivety where now I'm I'm really aware of where I am. I'm aware of what's happening.
I can sense when people are being genuine. I can see when people are welcoming. I can find when I'm not welcome some in a place, to be honest with you. They're still racist. I've still gone, we're still going through racist incidents. all the time, like just last Saturday, I, I went through a racist we went through something racist with my husband recently here in London.
So like things are still happening everywhere and I don't think is gonna go away in, in just now, but I think it's getting better and better. And to be honest with you, there's been a lot of opportunities that have opened up as well for for women to come forth and tell their stories and be there and, and also for people to acknowledge like you've just acknowledged that you've done certain things, you, you've tried to educate yourself, a lot of people are going through the same, the same process. They are also educating themselves. Like, for example, going through this thing where I don't know if you've seen this somewhere, but sometimes people joke about like, oh, can I touch your hair? Oh, what is it made of? OK, you don't have to touch my hair. I don't touch your hair when I come and see you, you know, like, like, like things like that and I know it can sound so like, oh, but it's just because I want you to know, but no other than one is coming to you and going like
Oh, can I touch your hair and the way it looks? I like, I like it. No. So it's just this, this, respect. There's much more respect, but there's also still things happening that we need to work on. And unfortunately, being a black person, I'm always going to be aware of where I am of my surroundings.
same, same thing goes for my Children. I'm always gonna look out even more into what's happening with them in any, in any sense. So whether they are in education or in going on to a leisurely place, you will still have things happening to you. So this is we will still Yeah.
Patience Modevi, Jenn Junod
No, go ahead, go on.
Patience Modevi
I think, I think we are still really deep into the issue. The issue is still really deep there and I think that it might take generations to come. But what I'm seeing is I'm seeing much more of people being out there and really advocating for the, for equality, you know, for everyone to be treated the same.
And that's important. And I think the more people are coming through and they're telling their stories and they're explaining, I've gone through this and this has happened to me and this and that and the more people are gonna be empathetic and change and evolve into a positive mindset.
Jenn Junod
And I appreciate so much that we started with your work with young people and it's to bring it all back around. What the work you do with young people, to find their worthiness, to find their truth, to find, to trust themselves is what's gonna slowly change all of these issues that we're talking about. Because when we honor ourselves and our take care of ourselves and our rest and all the self care and by knowing what, where our vision is, we are able to be there for other people when
we're there for ourselves and shout out to patients again. I because to those listening right now patients postpone, let me postpone a call to the next day because I was feeling very unwell yesterday. And I appreciate that because I know that if I did the podcast recording yesterday, I wouldn't have been 100% there for patients to be on this podcast.
And I want to make sure that I'm there for her, which means I have to take care of myself and Patience. I can only imagine that you feel that way about your husband and your Children and those you you advocate for, you have to take care of yourself first.
Patience Modevi
Definitely. This is one of my, this is one of my other passion. If I can say it like that is, is is telling people that they need to take care of themselves first and they need to really, and when I see taking care of yourself, it's not just taking care of yourself in terms of like oh today, I, I, you know, I mean, I'm gonna be really blunt but today I put some a mask on and and, you know, and I took five minutes and, and that's it.
I took care of myself. No, it is going a bit more deeper than that, you know, using some techniques like again, I'm gonna come into mindfulness, but meditation is really good in terms of grounding. So the time that you take to stop and to really you know, just be in a space by yourself in your silence, if I can say it like that and you take your time to really come with the breath and really understanding that your body and how it's going through, you are already taking care of yourself in
that way and it's creating that habit. It's always an habit. So he's creating the habit on a daily basis and doing things that fuel you, you know, see things that bring you this in you. So when you talk about yesterday, you needed that space. Yeah. So you needed that space and you recognize you needed that space. It would, could be another person. They will say I need that space.
But no, no, no, I need to have that recording done. It has to be done on schedule and this and that and, and that will build on and build and build and build until the person will come to burn out. So, I applaud you for, for saying no, I have to take care of myself. And to be honest, there was nothing I was gonna say. I wasn't gonna say no, you da da da. Yes, that's fine.
Jenn Junod
Thank you. Thank you, Patience for your patience. I'm sorry. II I had a career coach. I, I still talk to him. His name is Taylor. So anytime he I say, oh yeah, you have to tailor it for someone, I giggle too. I just love when it's like their names can go into a sentence. Well, thank you. Thank you Patience today. I really appreciate it. Is there anything that you wanted to cover that we didn't cover?
Patience Modevi
I think there's so much more I would like to say, I, I guess, I guess there's so much more I would like to say but if I could say something, so basically I don't have the actual the actual statistic with me. I didn't plan to say that but I think it's something really important in terms of like confidence. So there is a report that is being done in terms of confidence that shows that especially on the confidence level.
So when you think of young boy or young girls, often young girls achieve better in terms of statistic into schools and academics. But when they get through to adulthood. They have difficulties in going forth in their career and really going further because they lack this confidence. So I will say, this is a message to any young girls out there. If you are there and you're listening to me today, try and find somebody in your community or next to you that you can work with on your
confidence and really trust yourself and be sure that you've got all abilities and that you have. There's no need for you to start at zero and to go to one step, one step, one step, you could actually start at step 50 be right there and ready for it. So that's my message for young girls are
Jenn Junod
as a heads up everyone. A my nose has been going crazy because it's the morning here. So, apologies for everyone listening if I'm like super sniffly. And that I will be adding patience, patience patients. How do I say your name as ownership, patience. Anyway, I'll be adding her stuff to the content resources page on the website.
So that way you can reach out to her, she'll be tagged and everything on social media. And I know that you gave a shout out to girls. Is there any words of encouragement that you'd like to add to that or any words of encouragement for everyone, for boys as well?
Patience Modevi
Yeah, for boys or for everyone who people who doesn't, who don't, identify as, a boy or a girl. I think like, it all comes to know your worth, know, know your worth and know your vision and know that your vision, even though it's far from where you are right now can happen, you just have to hold on to it. And if I can say something as well, if I can give you a little exercise that how many people can do.
It's called the sw it's called the switch effect here. So basically is having like a, it's as if you are viewing a screen. So you're looking at the screen and on that screen, like you're on the cinema. Yeah, or you're watching TV. And on that screen you see yourself and you see yourself where you are right now and that screen is huge is big. So it's taking the whole, the whole space.
Yeah. And then into the little corner of your right hand just below you have a really small screen and that small screen is got your perfect life or your perfect vision that you see for yourself. So what I want you to do is to close your eyes and really visualize that the, the big, the big one and the small one in your right hand below and then to go basically to go swish and as you go switch, the small one becomes bigger, the small vision becomes bigger and it crashes into the big and you
have to do it really quickly. So you go swish, swish, swish, swish. And every time you say swish this big, vision is breaking up. So you are breaking this vision of yourself right now, which is not the best one. And you are bringing the best version of yourself in front of you and you have to do it quick, quick, quick, quick.
But do it, do it seven times for one time and seven times each time you want to redo it and that helps you to hold that vision of the, the better self, the better you in front of you.
Jenn Junod
And, and last question for your Patience, what is something that you're grateful for? What is something that you're grateful for?
Patience Modevi
What am I own? Oh my gosh, I'm grateful for a lot of things. But basically I would say that I am grateful for laughter. I'm grateful for joy. I'm grateful for every little thing that help me. Hold on. So, I think there's joy in everything, there's joy in everything you just have to see it. So I'm grateful for that.
Jenn Junod
I love it. I, and I'm grateful for learning that, learning how to release the guilt that I've always had for self care and trusting myself that if someone is meant to be on the podcast, that they will understand that I need to postpone. They will. Thank you.
Patience Modevi
Thank you. Thank you so much.
