S1 E30 Shit2TalkAbout Domestic Violence with Brittany Mcenteggart
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Speaker 2
Hey Britney. Thank you for joining. Shit. You don't want to talk about, please introduce yourself and what shit you want to talk about today.
Brittany Mcenteggart
So my name is Britney. I am originally from New Jersey. Don't live in New Jersey anymore. I live in Ireland now. And the shit I want to talk about is basically overcoming obstacles, trauma and why we don't really have to deal with the, the, the the dealing of the hand of cards that were dealt as as you know, our family problems and, and what we're born into. That's, that's my shit.
Speaker 2
I dig it. And yeah, you definitely don't have a Jersey accent anymore. You have an Irish accent. How long have you been in Ireland?
Brittany Mcenteggart
So I'm here since October 2010. So, we're going on 1111, 12 years. It'll be 12 years this year, I guess. Then. What am I really bad at math? No, 12 years this year. Yeah.
Speaker 2
So, don't worry, I was thinking the same thing. I was like October 12 years later this year. Yeah. There we go.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. So, no, we're going on 12 years. So, I definitely don't hear the, the American accent. Never mind, New Jersey because I know I'm not New Jersey anymore. But, like other people are like, you're not from Ireland, is it Australian or is it Canadian? I'm like, call me Australian one more time. I swear to God. But, no, yeah, it's kind of worn off at this point. I'm not the New Jersey girl.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
I once was, it's so funny with the accents part.
Speaker 2
I thought, I was on a plane from, from London to Bulgaria and, this band ended up sitting next to me and they were all making fun of me, because I couldn't tell if they were Australian or British. And I do think it, that they were trying to put on a British accent to like, throw me off because there are, but they're like, you can normally tell the difference and also actually, yeah, you can normally tell the difference and you can
also normally tell the difference of Bri, I say British to Irish accents or even, or like the different areas of London or like they have, everyone has a different accent.
Brittany Mcenteggart
It's crazy.
Speaker 2
Yes. Yes. Well, enough about, you know, accents. They always, yeah, they, they always throw me for a loop. So tell us like, let's first start off with that. You wrote a book and wrote my autobiography. Why give us a brief overview of that to start, please?
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. So, I've released my autobiography, which is called Resilience on my 30th birthday in June 2021. It's still a surprise to think that I even actually did that, even when I say I'm like, oh, wait, I actually did that. And it was always a dream of mine, which is strange because I was talking about this somebody just earlier today and I said to them, like, I kind of knew from a young age, maybe a 1213 ish, but I kind of wanted to always like, write a book or write something.
But like I was, I'm gonna write my story one day and it is like, I'm 13 years old. I have an experience, half the crap that I was gonna go through. So it was so strange because it's like, is it like, would you call it like a sense of like foreboding? Like, it's like I knew what I was gonna do before I knew I was gonna do it sort of a, like, sort of a thing So, I knew from a young age that, like, I wanted to do something like that, like, I never felt the same, I mean, nobody should be the same as another
person. Like we're all our own unique individuals. But like, I always wanted to do, do something different and I kind of think that comes from like, the upbringing that I had and, you know, seeing my mother deal with alcoholism and stuff like that. So, like I've known for a long time, I wanted to write my book and to be honest with you, when Ireland went into the first lockdown in March 2020 thanks to COVID.
like, it's one of these things where I genuinely know now that I would not have ever, ever done it otherwise, because I always had this box of papers, I always had it sitting there. I always had the dream but I never, I wouldn't even call it strength. I think it was more like I didn't have the determination or like the power and when we went into the first lockdown, it was sort of ok.
Well, maybe this is actually because of the first thing I thought of and so bizarre. Like I was like, sitting in the house for like three or four weeks knew I wasn't going back to work. I was like, yeah, I think it's time to write my book. And I think when I started saying it to people, everybody was like, you're not gonna do that. I'm like, watch me. So that kind of started the process. So, you know, I'm blessed to say I kind of set myself a goal which is very I don't know if anybody else in the
world is like me with their A DH D and like says one thing but does another then that like, you know, you surprise yourself sometimes like when you actually do these things. And for me, I was like, no, I'm setting my goal for my 30th birthday because this is gonna be a brand new chapter for me. Like I was entering 30. Do you know what I mean? So it's like kind of wiping the slate clean. I'm, I can never, like, talk properly.
Speaker 2
So, like, I'm sorry, you know what I mean? Both. So don't worry about it.
Brittany Mcenteggart
So, it was like wiping the slate clean and like, being able to, like, kind of like, enter the chapter of like, being an advocate and like a voice for other people.
Speaker 2
I can, I can totally relate to that and the fact that this is actually my second podcast. And, yeah, the first podcast was called Greater then and it actually was originally going to be called Greater Than Resilience. Oh my God. How weird. Yeah. Right. And, it was, it really, I, I had a co cohos named Dua and she, and I, she came from like a journalist background. I'm a wing it, I'm gonna show up, I'm gonna ask questions.
We're gonna see what happens because I really like that authentic conversation. So we were really good balance and we talked about the shit you don't wanna talk about. We talked about racism, you know, sex trafficking, disabilities. And so it really did like pivot and influence the how I mean to this podcast and doing this one on my own because I never thought I could do it on my own.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
I thought I always had to have someone else there, someone else more educated, more cultured, more, more everything and it was, you kind of weren't giving yourself the credit that you had to be able to do the, the thing, you know.
Speaker 2
Yeah, 100% 100%. So, yes, I relate to the feeling of like, oh shit, I did it. That's crazy. Just thinking back on it. Like, was that me? What, what? so I can definitely definitely relate to that and now let's dive back a little bit with you wrote a book. It's about your, your autobiography. You've been through some shit and you're an advocate. So where do we start? Like, what's the high level like, what is the synopsis of your book? So that way we can dive in for there?
Brittany Mcenteggart
OK, so I guess like the peak would be kind of like where it all ended for me, which was the the most traumatic part of my life, which was the the domestic abuse situation I was in and that would be the peak because after that, it just, it was like my happy ending, you know, everything kind of that happened after that was, was better. So that would be definitely the peak of my life.
And then you're kind of delving backwards into the previous domestic violence situation I was in before that and you know, the before that it, it, it all kind of started, my teenage years were really shit. So the shit I like, you know, the shit that you don't talk about is, you know, that like I, I was I was sexually assaulted when I was 13. Ok, so nobody wants to talk about that.
Nobody wants to talk about sexual assault. So let's talk about that, let's brush it under the carpet. Let's norm like let's normalize that this happens. No, it's not normal. You know, I was 15 when I, no, I was 14, I'm sorry when I entered my first domestic violence relationship and now it wasn't the worst relationship in the world. I'm not gonna say that but it was definitely volatile.
It was mentally and physically exhausting. I mean, at 14, I'm, I'm 14, I should be playing with like Barbie dolls, not out chasing somebody, you know. you know, I know now that, that this particular person had bipolar. So, you know, I, I didn't understand mental health at that age. And then I was 15 when I saw on to the next one and the next one was, it was horrific.
It was, it was, it was literally life altering. You know, there was multiple, multiple times when I nearly took my last breath. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it was just, it was, it was a mess and by the grace of God, I'm still here today, but it really is by the grace of God because otherwise I know I wouldn't be sitting here based off of the things that I know now about then, you know, and so this, this didn't all happen overnight.
You know, it kind of started with my upbringing and, and, and, and being born into family dysfunction as I call it, which I don't know if you resonate with, but so many people are born into family dysfunction and maybe they don't classify it as family dysfunction. But it is, you know, for me, it was not having a father around. my mother was an alcoholic, you know, not having the emotional support that I needed there as a child, being in foster care, you know.
So it's, it's all that shit that you just, you're kind of like nobody wants to talk about that. Like it's sad like, yeah, it's sad. But if we kind of, if we stay silenced, what use is that to anybody then.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And, and real quick for the audience and Britney is doing a very amazing job ignoring my sneezes and blowing my nose nonstop. So if I'm not responding to Britney and you're not watching this on youtube, that is why. And so part of me, I have horrible sneezes all the time. Yes. To your question, I can definitely resonate with like the family dysfunction and my mom ended up being very physically and emotionally abusive.
Not because of her, you could say but because of the abuse that my dad did to her and, and I, I really wanna call out that many, many Children and adults don't realize that sometimes a parent or someone close to them, it's cause and effect. A lot of times everyone is cause and effect. But it's, I know like my mom is my best friend now, like I know for a fact that she was feeling so stuck like she had no control over her life.
So, you know, I'm an only child. I was her outlet and that's not right. And she's grown tremendously from that yet. My dad, I don't even call him my dad. I actually call him my mother's ex. Yeah. Now I just call him my mother's ex. He doesn't even get that. Yeah. Like I don't because he is a psychopath like, OK, not diagnosed but you know, I've done those fair share of online quizzes.
Brittany Mcenteggart
We have to call it for what it is. You know what I mean? Like, if that's not, it is what it is.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Exactly. And just be like you went through a ton of domestic violence and I'm googling it. because I do want to, I explain what domestic violence is because I know that I used to say and think that domestic violence was if just, if you were hit and just the physical abuse and it's so much more, don't understand.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Oh yeah, it's, there's a lot more in depth like just for my toxic you know, to say when I say domestic violence, I don't just mean being physically hit. Yes, I was physically assaulted on multiple occasions, but it's more than that. It's the mental, the mental aspect, that aspect so sorry of domestic violence is horrific. And I almost think all right cuts and bruises and scars will heal those mental thoughts.
The mental torture is almost always worse. In my opinion. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist. Nothing. But I'll tell you what I've experienced it and I'll tell you what the mental torture years later is worse than the the trauma of actually physically being hurt. You know. I mean, the first relationship, just for an example, you know, I was 14, he was 16 or 17.
So at the time I've, I've since learned thanks to therapy, which is a great thing, you know, I was groomed essentially in both relationships because these people were older than me. And although I had the, the physical ability to consent to both relationships, they were actually doing the illegal thing by being in a relationship with me because I was underage and, you know, the sexual aspect of it and everything you don't realize, I didn't know what grooming was until I was in
therapy. So that's another aspect of it because it is, it's all tied into domestic violence. And, you know, majority of the first relationship was mental torture more than anything. I mean, there was a couple instances of actual physical assault and, but it was more brainwashing, I would say, you know, more of a pull and a shove kind of a thing.
So, you know, this person in particular had bipolar and, you know, he would play on certain strings with me. You know what I mean? Because he knew that he could and I did not understand. I, I've done mental health, I'm a mental health advocate. I, I've done diploma and everything in it now. So I understand not everything but a certain, more extent, you know, is where the second instance was a lot more complex than that.
Again. Domestic. You, you're saying domestic when I, when I hear domestic, I think it's something that's going on in your home. So I had moved out at 15 because I was escaping my mother's alcoholism. And I was in a relationship with this particular person at the time when I moved out, it very quickly dwindled off into just a friendship. There was a bunch of us living together.
should I have moved back home? Yes. But I did not because I was 15 and I was independent and I knew everything. So I wound up staying in a situation I probably should have taken myself out of because I was no longer dating this person. But at this point, it was like being in a dorm and living with all your friends. Do you know what I mean? So the importance of that and I, I'm, I'm almost ashamed to tell people that because they're like, but why do you about, I'm like, it, it, it, it wasn't, I
just didn't wanna watch my mother drinking anymore. So I, I had the freedom that I craved. I had the no rules that I craved living out and doing what everybody else wish they could have been doing if that makes any sense, you know what it was? It was very, it was very volatile, it was abusive physically and mentally. It was horrific. I was brainwashed. I was, you name it. I was a, you know, I was made to do things and, and that I, I, which I never had to do, you know things that, that'll never
leave me. So when you hear the words domestic violence, it's not just, oh, I punched her in the face or? Oh, I got punched in the face. No, no, no. It's a whole plethora. It really is the whole scenario of, like, behind closed doors, you know. And, it, it really is. It's, it's, it's not just the physical end of it. It, it's so much more than that and that's what makes so important to talk about it and keep the open conversation about it.
Speaker 2
Agreed. Agreed. And, and I wanna share a bit about my own experience because I feel like it, it, it'll be a way for others to also understand that, that teenage years because with my mother being abusive, my people that were involved in my sexual abuse when I was 8 to 10 actually ended up going to my high school. So I, I always craved my mother's ex my, my dad's affect attention, his love the same, this, this, this person was about to go to my high school and I'm freaking out.
My, my mother is in my relationship isn't great. And so I was like, you know, I wanna have this relationship with my dad, I'll go move in with him and we'll just say this is when I had no idea what gas lighting is and what, what and how. So I'm Googling it and this one is just the first Google and I feel like it, it does define it pretty well. And it's from insider.com.
It's gas lighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gas lighting would be when a partner is doing something abusive and then denying that it happens, gas lighters may also convince their victims that they're mentally unfit or too sensitive. And this is something that, yeah, something my father did was he would isolate my mother and I so even be like while my parents were together, he would just completely isolate
and say to my mom and I that the rest of our family doesn't love us, the rest of our family doesn't want to know us and he truly isolated my mother. And to in that the domestic violence between my parents and I'm this definition is from assets.publishing.service.gov dot UK. For that was a definition of, yeah, definition of domestic violence. The current definition of domestic violence is any incident, threatening behavior, violence or abuse, physiological, physical sexual,
financial or emotional between adults who have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And, and I want to really point out that financial is a huge part of it. I sexual is a huge part of it, you know, one that I think they're missing is spiritually because a lot of domestic relationships also hold over religion.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah, actually now that you said that so I, I moved in with my dad.
Speaker 2
That was a shit show. So when I was 16, I moved out on my own. I was dating a gentleman that was four years older than me. He was actually one of the coolest people in the entire world yet. Before then, all I did is I slept with people because I just wanted to feel loved like you're chasing attention, you need that. I wanted to fulfill my nation. And it was a horrible cycle of, I wanted to be loved.
I would give my, you know, be intimate with people way too early and then they leave and I don't understand why I'm like, I'm trying to give you everything and you begin to fight yourself as well. Yes. Yes. So when I moved out when I was 16, I actually moved in with my current boyfriend's grandmother who is the sweetest lady in the world. And so when he and I broke up, I was, to your point of not moving back in with your mother.
I thought that I couldn't go back to his grandmother's house in my head. I just was like, there was no law back. Yeah, I can't go back. I, I, there's no way that they would accept me. I'm not lovable. I messed up. We're not together and it was the type of thing that I ended up in turn almost making myself homeless because I, even though I had a home to go to, I honestly looking back, know that I had somewhere to go to, but back then I didn't, mentally, didn't have a home to go back to. Exactly.
Exactly. And, I really wanted to hone in on that because so many people will judge and why didn't you do this, or why did you stay with your abuser? And it's, it's definitely a hard thing to talk about because that gas lighting makes you really question your reality. Yeah. And so when you're talking about this, the second guy that you're dating and you're living with him and all of their family are all their friends. They like, how long were you in that situation?
Brittany Mcenteggart
Well, OK, so I was 15 until I was 19. So talking four years and I was in the relationship for the spa for a sliver of it. It really, it was a relationship very quickly and over very quickly and it was, it was, I was literally a slave. Do you know what I mean to everybody else? Like Britney wasn't Britney. Britney was a formality to everybody else. Britney was a but it was what everybody else needed but it wasn't herself, you know.
So, yeah, I, I entered that whole, that particular situation and the summer of 2006, I was 15. Yeah, I was 15 and I didn't get out of it until I had the strength when I was 19, which is when I moved over to Ireland, you know, you're talking one extreme to the next, you know, and, and it was, when I moved over to Ireland, it was, it was a shit show. Like you said, like when you, you know, when things happen, everything that I had experienced hit me at once and it's only within the last say, maybe
six years, I have actually been able to make sense of what happened to me and, like, speak about it and validate what happened and overcome it because before that I didn't deal with it. You know what I mean? It's just, it happened and that was, that I deserved it, right. You know. So, it was one of these things where it's just, you know, those four years took so much away from me and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
But I, I've, I've come kind of like a full circle and said, I'm gonna take all that bad and I'm gonna use it for good because I know it happens for a reason. You know, I know that I escaped alive. Like so many people don't get that and I don't want to take that away from anybody else because I know that there's people who are worse off and who haven't made it.
You know, and, but I was lucky enough to, and I wanna be the voice for the people like me at currently and the people in the future and, you know, people that are suffering and maybe have never spoke about abuse that they endured because it's one of these things. There's, I mean, there's so much conversation about it now, especially with Tik Tok.
Tik Tok is a massive thing at the minute. But it's just like, I think when you can relate to somebody, it's different. It's all right. Celebrities sharing, sharing things, you know, and, and all right, that's inspirational. But there's nothing like a normal person sharing it.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. And so, and I to add to what you were just saying, it's using your, like your experience for good. It's I, I've been told that 22 realms of the spectrum of when you use your own story that at least in my hope it's there to give others that sense of hope that they can get out of it as well. And yet other people have told me, well, you're just using it to get attention.
J you're just using it. And i it's, it's definitely the type of thing that I am fortunate to now have a support group around me that can, it can take me off the ledge of me going oh shit. I'm a horrible person. Yeah, they're right. Why am I doing this? Like I need to stop and that is definitely a hard part of, you know, the social media and the internet and being able to be so connected.
But I, I really even in, in the, you know, with all the haters, you know, like, let, let's share with everyone, but especially haters. How did you find the strength to get out of that? Like, where, where, where did that happen? Like, how did you start building that up over the years to like, because there's two parts, you finally said, fuck it. Get out of your mom's situation, which is a huge feat on itself.
And then you have, you know, like, fuck it. Let's get out of like this other relationship because I don't think a lot of people realize how much strength that takes. But it's also really hard, at least for me to define how I found the strength. So please share your, your, your way of getting.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. So I think right now it definitely doesn't come easy. I think anybody who's listening even you will understand and agree that it doesn't come easy. So I in my situation, the first instance with the first person was actually happening under my mother's roof. That was one thing. OK? So that's gone, said done, that's fine. So now I'm living out of my mother's right.
So the instance with that I moved out of my mother's and the four year period, the problem with that whole situation was my whole, I was under a thrash, my, my physical being was under a threat because the person that was doing this was it was never diagnosed. He was definitely some sort of a psycho. Like I, again, I'm not a doctor, like you said, like, you know, but he definitely was, he, the thing was with him, he got off on controlling people.
So my mom's house was under a threat. You know, my mom's phone wires were cut, you know, her, there was, windows were broke, you know, my family was under a threat here, you know. So for a long time, nine, just say 98% of the time that I was in that situation, I was afraid that if I ever did something where I tried to escape, which I had once or twice and saw what happened, you know, and I, I knew what would happen and like my mom and uncle there who raised me, I didn't want, my mom is an
alcoholic and I knew she's vulnerable. Do you know what I mean? And, and the problem was with the situation as well. My mom's boyfriend lived all of 20 ft away from where I was living, you know. So I knew that if I say got on this one particular person's nerves, he was mad, he was going to go out and if he saw my mom, it wouldn't have crossed my mind twice.
He would have knocked my mom down with his car. He would have killed my mom. I, I know that because that's kind of psycho and crazy. He was, do you know that kind of way? It's one of those things where you're like, I don't, I, I don't know if I can do it. You know, there was one instance I, I did, I got mad and I ran out of the house and he got his friend to drive.
I actually don't know if it was him or his friend driving. One of them was driving anyway, the other one was holding a pelican out of the car, saw me and was shooting at me. This is, this is out in public like there's no doubt that people saw this happening. Do you know what I mean? So, of course, obviously it's one of these things where like I went back because I, I thought I was safer for some bizarre reason.
I thought it was safer, you know. So, II I, you know, and you said it about people saying it about attention. It's actually so funny that you said that because two years ago I was in, I, I was advocating, I had a mental health project. I thought I was b as I thought I was great, doing great things, you know, making changes. But you know, people decided that no, Britney is all about herself.
Britney's talking shit just, you know, she just loves to hear herself talk blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I mean, the comments I got online if people were like, oh, I used to work with her and, you know, you know, she's very hypocritical and I'm like, well, hold on a minute. Who are you? And that took me, right. I took a very, very bad mental breakdown when that happened.
And I was in the process of writing my autobiography and I, I second guessed everything. Do you know what I mean? So, when you don't have a support system now I did II, I had my wife but nothing that anya said got through to me. I, I wanted to harm myself. I wanted to take my own life. I, I still to this day have all the screenshots of all the comments online on my phone and I do, I'm guilty of going in and looking at them.
Do you know what I mean? And thinking Jesus, why am I doing this? You know? So when you don't have a good support system, you don't have the strength. I did, I luckily enough, my wife is an amazing support system, but it was more, I don't even know there was, it was more than, than she could even do. She did. You know, there was only so much she would literally hold me in bed and I'd be crying, I'd be screaming, crying.
Do you know what I mean? Like, and there's only so much one person can do. You know what I mean? And it's this kind of thing and it's like you really wanna tell me that I'm talking about traumatic times in my life to suit myself. Do you know what I mean? Like who are you? Like, what, who do you think you are? Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2
Like, I, I agree with that. I also will say that sharing your story and especially with others if is a powerful thing to get rid of the shame on it and, and, and it's healing, it is healing. And that's a big reason that so many do share their stories because there is so much shame about it. And we do need to talk about that shit and to, to kind of think back in some of the references you said, like when you got out of your mom's house and shot with a pellet gun.
And I, I, in my opinion, like a lot of people can say, I don't, I still don't understand why you went back. I know for myself that it was I ran away before and I actually went to the police, I showed up at the police station and they were like, I never got that far. Yeah.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
Well, they told me to go back home, they told me that my parents are looking for me and I'm like, wait, what made me wonder why all these people turn up dead?
Brittany Mcenteggart
Like in all seriousness? Like let's be serious for a second. It's like your time to go back home.
Speaker 2
For real and, and with, with the pandemic, this has gotten so much worse because a lot of domestic violence victims can't, were able to at least get away for part of the day to be able to go to work. And I just, first off, if anyone is listening that is currently going through in that type of situation, there will be links in, in the description of resources and listening to this podcast, listening to any podcast trying to get yourself out of.
It is a huge, huge first step, huge step because it's there is, there is so much growth and healing and once once you're out, it is it is capable of going back in that similar situation. I know that I became in that situation again when I was 28 I got in I never thought of myself as worthy and I would always put people with education or culture again above me.
And I started dating the guy that was getting his phd and, and I was just like, all I ever shared were his accomplishments, like my worth was in how cool he was and he was great on paper. Yeah, that was, yeah, that was about it. Like there was a time that I was, I have a really hard time with religion. A lot of my abuse came from religion and I, he was talking about how a specific basketball player was really, really religious.
And talks about it all the time and it, for some reason really triggered me and I, broke down crying and his response was go away and figure yourself out. And I was just like, what? Well, at the same, at that time I wasn't, I was like, ok and like, hit away and it was, one of my work friends that, like, started talking to me and started, like, pointing out these issues.
Flags. Yeah, like over and over and over and it took close to a year for me to realize, oh shit. And they gave me the opportunity to move in with them. That's amazing. And he became my best friend, my big brother, him and his husband, like I, I loved living with them because there was so much healing and it was the first time I felt safe in a home. Like, and I was 28 like my entire life.
This is the first time I felt really safe in a home and, and then I could be loved. And it was the first time I learned to fight with someone without feeling like they're gonna disown me or hit me or and have that conflict and have it resolved like coming home from a massage and then screaming at this person for really, really petty shit because a massage can get a lot of emotion out of you.
Like you don't realize that emotion is built up in your body and he just was basically like, ok, ok. And now even more bad. So I ended up like going to my room and crying for like an hour and then I, I walk up and I'm like, I'm sorry. And he's like, I know you're cool. Don't worry, like I need to get it out and he's like, you also had some fair points but, and the, the journey of healing and getting out, it's so hard and, and now we're talking about that you got out and fast forward.
You, your, your wife is a huge support. Now, we, we're dealing with the haters and you're writing your book and tell us a bit about your healing journey that since you got to Ireland and especially in the last six years that you talked about and how that started and some things you found really helpful to build your toolbox to heal.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. So I think, like it's been a process. So like when I first moved over here, you know, I was still kind of like in the mentality that I was before I moved, you know, this particular person still had like an overcast shadow in my life even though I was in a different country. And to be honest with you, it was back and forth for so many years. You know, it was more of I was constantly also looking over my shoulder, because I knew that this person could come over to Ireland.
You know what I mean? Because this person had friends and stuff like that and I'm like, oh, my God, you know, it was kind of one of these things where I was like, Karma take the wheel. No. Karma took the wheel and we'll get to that. But Karma took the wheel eventually. And, oh, for so long I just didn't deal or do anything about it. You know, I've always struggled with them.
My, my family, like my dad's family, like I've nothing got to do with them and, and stuff like that. So, like for years it was back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and it was, I was in college and I started this mental health project and, it was to do with suicide awareness linked in with my father. And it was this kind of thing where something that really started to heal me.
So it started with, like the tree started to grow and I started to speak about my own trauma and, and things that I've gone through and I started seeing how I was relating to people and how it was making a difference and, and stuff like that. I was like, oh God, maybe I'm really on to something here. Now, at this point, I had already been writing pieces and I kept them away because I knew eventually I want to write books and, doing the project kind of enabled me to do that and it kind of
taught me that I could do this thing that I thought I couldn't do. And the more I talked and the more feedback that I got and the more people I reached, I was like, oh, I could really be on to something here. Do you know what I mean? Like, maybe, like, maybe the bad was bad but like, maybe, like, it all happened for a reason. So, I mean, if you fast forward to 2016, which is, is that six years now this year?
It's actually weird that I said six years. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Bad at maths guys. Sorry. my second abuser died in a very horrific way and II, I pray that he got everything and he felt every ounce of pain that he ever inflicted. Not only on me because I know that he did it to somebody after me as well. the day that he died is bizarre because it was the same 24 hour period of the day that I was sexually assaulted him when I was 13.
So my full circle of trauma came and everything made sense when I got phone call that he had died. Now, it didn't take, it took me a long time. I only made sense of all that recently. So you're talking all that time in all those years to be like, oh, wow, karma really had my back like, it really all happened for a reason. So that gives me a serious amount of strength and the, the stability and the resilience to know, you know what I am made of and, I got a serious amount of freedom, you know
what I mean? And it's just kind of like, oh, yeah, that's who I was because we, like, I'm sure you, you understand, see, like you said it about, like craving attention and, you know, sleeping with people and stuff like that. And I was kind of like that and that I wanted attention. I needed attention. I, and I always looked for male attention and I think that was because I didn't have a father figure in my life.
I craved this like love that I thought that I needed, you know, and, it really wasn't until I met my wife that like I understood what true love was and, and I understood what stability is and stuff like that. And then I, I just slowly found my voice. It was a process and I think once I knew that I was doing my book, I, I started advocating a lot more, you know, I, I stopped being afraid.
I, I became unapologetic about what I was talking about and like, if you don't like it, that's fine. If it makes you uncomfortable, that's fine. There's the door, but I'm not going to stop talking about what I'm talking about just to suit somebody else and I do that very much in my book. You know, people have said to me like, when I'm reading your book, people that know me, they're like, I can hear you in those lines, like I can hear you reading that book that and I love that because I want,
that's what I wanted. Do you know what I mean? I didn't want it to not sound like me and I, I, since my book's been released, it's near, it'll be a year now. This June, I don't know my voice. I just, I can't stop it. Just, it's, it's taken me to New Heights. Do you know what I mean? I, I just want to tell my story. I, I literally emailed Oprah Winfrey this week because I want, I, I, do you know what I mean?
Like, like I just, I've been emailing anybody that will, that they can find their email and, and will they reply? Maybe not, maybe they will. I don't know. But, there's not enough of these stories covered. It really isn't, they don't get enough. And, the reality of it is we, we often see celebrities being abused in domestic violence situations and stuff like this.
But I, I just, there's just something about a real life story for a real life person that doesn't come from money that doesn't come from anything, telling their story and having nothing to lose that I just think is, is that much more special.
Speaker 2
I, I can definitely relate on that and I will say part of my healing journey. I, one of the only reasons I'm able to do this podcast now is because I'm in a very safe and secure relationship. And I, I mean, audience, y'all are probably sick of hearing about Tyler. I know I talk about him on almost every episode. It's super annoying, but he really is such, such stability in my life and it's something I, I honestly don't know if I've talked about this yet or if I have.
Well, everybody gets to hear about it again. Is, is the fact in 2018, I met him about two months before work sent me to Europe for three months. And that was my, my goal in life. Like that's all I ever wanted to do was travel for work and they were sending me all over Europe and while I'm in Europe, I break up with him because he, the first two months we were talking every morning and night and my month three, it's like getting way too busy.
I don't have time and he's hanging on. He's like, we're gonna keep talking and I actually told him I'm like, dude, I can't handle it. You're too clean. Like, and I like try telling him over the phone and then I sent it as a text and I was, it was a lot of, I was still valuing work or friendship and more than being in a happy relationship. And when I got back, I, I've been through a lot of self development courses.
They're definitely not for everyone. I'm not saying that you have to go through them to heal. That was my healing journey. And I took, Matthew Hussey has a five day course and he, I took that course and it has you, create an identity statement and, I'm actually gonna look it up right now because it's I have never heard of that before. Yeah. Well, please stand by, let me, let me go to the proper notes on my phone with my sniffles.
Ok. This is my identity statement. My promise to you is to be kind to you to hear you to see you, to be present for you to use every gift I have been given to give a voice to all those who have been silenced or go unheard. I vowed to creating a, a culture of connection. I walk the walk, I'm resilient. I am kind to myself. I go all in when I experience a moment, I allow myself to feel it, process it and learn from it. I forgive the choices of the past and take risk for the future.
I am curious, I chase challenges using fear to push fast discomfort. I learned from my mistakes. Share the challenges and use what I have what I learned to fuel my hustle. I live outside the box, outside my comfort zone. I respect my boundaries while pushing the limits, physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually and financially, I live with gratitude and strive to remain humble, leaving ego at the door.
Brittany Mcenteggart
I love that. That's amazing.
Speaker 2
Thank you. Thank you. and they have you write that in, in this course and it's something that really puts down my own values on paper. It is the best way I think I could say it. And when I got back about a week later, I was like, Tyler deserves an in person conversation. Yeah, like I owe him that apology. Like I fucked up. I totally fucked up and I read that to him and it was so much of he was a human. I always wanted in life, but I didn't feel like I could be loved. Like I don't love my, didn't feel
worthy. Yeah. And ever since then, like we talked on a Friday and Sunday, I'm like, I'm all in forever and ever and, you know, fast forward many years we're still together. And it's, it's I mentioned this because building a support system is, it's definitely possible yet if I look back into these really bad relationships, these really abusive relationships, I almost never thought that it was possible. And finding resources is it's the first step to get out.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Oh Yeah. No, it definitely is. Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 2
And there's a lot of anger that went through this and I don't know if I necessarily agree with five stages of grief. because there's long I still get angry at these people, but for the most part, it's like I strive to have great in this situation. And by that, I mean, wish them the best. Wish them to have a happy life. Just stay the fuck out of my life.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Stay over there like, yeah, 6 ft at all times.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah, let's let's say like 6000 ft at all times, you know, like like extra social distancing over there, please. Yeah, but no, it is definitely a journey.
Speaker 2
And I love that we talked about that. We've talked about quite a bit. Is there anything that you specifically wanted to bring up that we haven't talked about yet?
Brittany Mcenteggart
Well, it's actually just, I want to say this because I said to somebody earlier as well when I was talking to another podcaster and he was like, I'm so glad that you said it to me when I got off the phone with me and went and listened to it just that you said that they get you to write that I was a guest on a podcast called Surviving Abuse podcast. It's about somebody who like you has survived, you know, and horrific things.
I don't know where he's based. I want to say Colorado, but I don't think it's even Colorado, but it's over in America anyway. And he, he asked me to do something that completely changed my entire life. And he asked, he reached out to me and he says, so I want you to be a part of my podcast. I was like, yeah, cool, no problem. And he said, but I have a very different approach to normal podcasts.
And I was like, ok, and he said, I want you to write a letter to your abusers. And I was like, I was floored by this. I was like, oh, ok. And all my years since leaving the trauma, I never, I've wrote letters. Don't get me wrong. I wrote my diary. I have plenty of diaries. I've never addressed a letter to the people that raped me or to either relationship that I endured and I was floored by this.
So he was like, look, it probably take a little bit of time. I was like, oh, no, I'm ready to go. I was like, I'll start writing this letter. I wrote this letter. I think it's about three pages long. And what he does with this letter is, he puts it out on his Spotify as the pro as like the first part to your episode. So it's me reading the letter out and you can hear the pallet in it.
Do you know what I mean? And it was only after I wrote it, you know, I was standing in the kitchen one day and all of a sudden that revelation, which I think I, I said about the the date and the month of my last abuses are dying, linking in with the, my sexual assault. It all come full circle and I'm not joking with you, but I started screaming around the kitchen.
It was like the weight lifted off of my chest. Do you know what I mean? So again, it's all about the resources and it's all about, you know, it, it, it really is, it's all about having the proper avenue to do things, you know, for me, I was lucky enough and I am lucky enough, fortunate enough to be able to have the avenue to speak online. And, you know, hopefully one day it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and I get in touch with the room for you and I'm just famous and it's fine.
Do you know what I mean? But you know, we really, there is strength in numbers. I, and I think if there's anything like if there's anything, it's just that I could say to anybody that we maybe didn't talk about, it's just like you really need to understand your worth and your self value. I know it's sometimes it's hard when you're in the situation but just know it's in there like, you know, I always say to people like find your resilience, hold on to do you know what I mean?
Because it is in there, you know, just you might feel like you're stuck but you're not, you know what I mean? Like you are not what your abusers are telling you, you're not the bad, you know, you are worthy, you're enough, you know what I mean? Like, I can't, I can't say it enough. Do you know what I mean? Like you are meant for this world?
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I think you, you led perfectly into like words of wisdom and I think that's like all any of us can repeat enough and, and also to like, I feel like those that have been through some type of trauma and almost everyone's been through trauma of some sort, no matter what social class, no matter where in the world, like everybody's been through some shit and just continuing to tell people that
they are worthy. They are enough. They just as they are, it doesn't matter where they are financially spiritually, emotionally, work wise, career wise fair enough. Yeah.
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
People don't, people don't realize that.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. And that's the big thing. I know. I don't know if you've seen it. I don't know if you're a person of tiktok, but tiktok is a huge, huge, huge platform lately for all these like empowerment, like platforms, all these women and it's like, holy fuck. Like, do you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't have been a big tiktok person until I'd say maybe the last two or three months.
And I swear, I feel like I have more information about, you know, the ins and outs of it and, and you know, what motivates me is seeing women on there like, like you see women on that are fresh out of a domestic violence or fresh out of a sexual assault and they're using that platform to reach other people. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2
So you have to realize you are enough and, and on that point, I do definitely want to call out. You don't just have to be like a cis woman that goes through this. Any, any sexuality or you know, just being human, you can go through this. Yeah. And, and we, we can dive into this on another episode is there are parts of your life that you can be the abuser and the victim and it's, it's very, very, they're so much into this
and psychology and therapy and sociology and even economics go into this. So you will pause there. Any other words of wisdom that you would want to leave our audience with?
Brittany Mcenteggart
I think if I have any words of wisdom for anybody that's listening, I just think it's like just find your voice. If you can't find your voice, find your platform, find your people and just reach out to your people. Even if that's somebody, maybe it's a stranger on social media, maybe you just feel like there's a safe space, just reach out to them, you know, just find your people find your resilience and, and, and stay in that lane towards your healing.
You know, you are, you're stronger than you were yesterday and it was each day you are just gaining more and more resilience, more strength, more, more, you know, amazingness. And if you're going to do advocating, if you want to empower the people do it for the people that like you speak to your inner child, you know, just reach out, you know, like I said, I, I don't, I'd be happy with followers on social media and people sharing my, my, my stuff.
That's what would make me happy, the sales make me happy, but just having my voice heard, you know, people just being like, I wanna hear your story. Do you know what I mean? And, and or you changed my day, you know, something like that. If I have words of wisdom, be, use your voice, use your voice because you really don't realize the power that's in your voice. Even if you don't think it, I promise you, you have so much power.
Speaker 2
I 100%. And how do people reach out to you?
Brittany Mcenteggart
Yeah. So I'm on I'm on a couple of the social media platforms. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram under resilience the autobiography. It's just 111 word on youtube. I think I'm also resilient to the autobiography. I'm hoping to do like vlogging and, and all that sort of stuff on there. So if people want to subscribe for future things that I'm put on there.
tiktok, I'm not on tiktok at the minute. So it'd be Instagram and Facebook, I'd say it would be the, the biggest things at the minute. You know, like I'm talking about tiktok here, but I only have a personal tiktok. And it does want to follow me on that because I'm like inspirational in some way, shape or form. It's just underscore Britney Helen with an X. But, you know, if you follow my book on the social medias on, on Facebook and Instagram, you know, I, I do daily posts.
I, I try and do positivity. I share book excerpts and I'm just looking for, I just want to connect with people. That's, that's, I just want to connect with people and, you know, they are my motivation, you know what I mean? So it's just onwards and upwards really, I suppose, like from here.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And as a total random thing, does anybody else you as well? But does anybody else start to burp when they sneeze a lot?
Speaker 2, Brittany Mcenteggart
Just like, that's a very, I'm not a big burper.
Speaker 2
Yeah, like that's a very random thing. But I'm just, I, I've been sneezing and sniffling this entire time and I'm like, you know, well, anyway, you need some pepto bismol. I mean, stop sneezing. But anyway, to finish off the episode. What is something that you're grateful for
Brittany Mcenteggart
my resilience? I definitely think my resilience, like my willpower to keep going even when I could have just given up. Definitely, because there were so many times I wanted to give up, there's so many times I wanted to give up and I'm just grateful that I never did. That's, that's I'm just grateful that I kept going.
Speaker 2
That's awesome. And I will say my, my gratitude is, is patience and understanding. I feel like that goes into all parts of life. I to give us a call out Britney and I have been trying to talk for like four months, four months, like literally like like literally like the next one after three, for four months. And it's, it's the, the great thing about I feel like with life is it's going to happen when it's supposed to happen.
That is a hard, hard thing to accept. It's not something that I'm always great at, but I really appreciate you coming on the episode. I appreciate it. You are very welcome. Yay. Talk to you later, buddy.
Brittany Mcenteggart
Thanks.
We appreciate you listening to the episode. Please like follow and share on our social media at shit to talk about. That is shit. The number two talk about stay tuned on Wednesdays and Fridays for new episodes. This episode was made possible by production manager Tron Nan, business manager, Bill Powell and your host J
