S1 E25 Shit2TalkAbout Self Acceptance with Regard Tang
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Jenn Junod
Hey regard. Thank you for joining. Shit. You don't want to talk about, please introduce yourself and what shit you want to talk about today? Yeah.
Regard Tang
Thank you for having me, Jen. So my name is Regard. I'm a certified empowerment coach focused on work, life balance, burn out and self acceptance. I used to be a makeup artist in fashion industry for a decade. So we'll dive in a little bit better. How did I transition? Why I have to get out of that world into a coaching world? And what I want to talk about today is definitely mental health, self awareness, self acceptance, all those good shit.
Jenn Junod
And I feel like it's something that you and I were talking about this a little earlier that right now it's so gimmicky yet. It's like it's really hard to dive in and deal with shit and I'm, I'm very much looking forward to going into that. Now. I, I do have questions about the makeup artist side of things to how we got here because you are, if I remember correctly, you were in L A for while you were a makeup artist, correct?
Regard Tang
So I, I started my career in San Francisco, then moved down to L A to chase my dream. And actually I moved to New York for 5.5 years before I was like, you know what, I have to get out from the fashion world. I can't do this anymore. And I stay in the industry for 10 years. So it's long enough for me to like, OK, I had enough. I have to walk out.
Jenn Junod
Yeah, I, and on that note because like especially because you said that it's your dream. I, I think that's something so many people have a hard time with is they, they don't realize that their dreams can change and you can let go of a dream. And did you struggle with that?
Regard Tang
I would say I lost my identity when I let go of the dream, right? Of my dream, my baby, my love because that I really love makeup and I, I tell, I always joke about it that I love my job. And my job doesn't love me back. Right. And it's just very, very, very toxic relationship. And I just got to a point that I burned out. I had, I went through like, a mental health spiral and I, I was like, yeah, I can't do it anymore but you still kind of hold on to it a little bit but because of 2020 COVID,
everything, it just go south. the world shut down, all the set shut down. So I was still staying in New York for five months after March 2020. So I stay until August 2020. And I was like, during that time, I'm already studying, becoming a coach, right? I thought that it would take me two years to transit to trans transit from a makeup artist to a coach.
But because of the universe gave me a chance to like, hey, look, you have to finish your certificate and move, move to Las Vegas because that my parents, they live in Las Vegas and they've been living in Las Vegas for 18 years, 17 years during that time in 18 years now. And basically universe like gave me no choice like, hey, go back home living with your parents and resolve your childhood like issues because I left my parents since I was 12. resolve the issues with your family and yeah,
just dive like really dive deep within, heal all the traumas, heal your inner child, heal everything. Wow. That I'm building a new business. I know when I look at your face, you're like, whoa, it's a lot. It is a lot. So I would say that 2020 it is tragic for a lot of people, a lot of family out there, right? But in my story, I would say that it actually is a blessing and this share that it, it, I, I took a whole year to focus on healing and also of course building my business. So, yeah,
Jenn Junod
and there's a lot to unpack there because II I wanna go back to a part of it that you mentioned of that you loved your job, but your job didn't love you back. And something that you mentioned before is that also you didn't realize that you were a depressed person, especially when you were in the fashion industry. And also I love the fact that you mentioned that that the universe kind of made you deal with your shit.
I, I can relate to that on so many levels of so I guess you have your dream of becoming a makeup artist. You move to L A and it's what are signs of toxicity like let's, let's start with what are signs of toxicity that you were noticing and then also your definition of burnout.
Regard Tang
Yeah, for sure. So as I said, I started in San Francisco. So I, when I started my makeup journey. Actually, makeup is my second career. My fir I graduated under advertising and I work in marketing for a few years because of 2008. the marketing crisis, right? Everything like a lot of jobs, laid off people, yada, yada yada. So I was one of those people that got laid off and I it took me a year and I still couldn't find a job.
So I got to a point I was like, what is the next step that I can and go after? And during that time I was obsessed with makeup, but I was just thinking about, yeah, I can learn makeup to like have a new skills, but I never thought about, I will turn that into profession, right? And for a decade. but yeah, so I was doing that time. I started a wedding but I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I wanna go after fashion because fashion is always my dream. I, when I, every time when I opened the magazine, o
open up the magazine, I was like, I wanna be like one of those makeup artists, right? So this is the reason I moved down. But being a freelance artist is a very tough job. Let's put it this way. And for the listener out there, if they are freelance, I'm sure that it applies to them. Some months is better than the others. Some months that you just don't have enough. The lowest, income that I ever had in one month is like $800 and I couldn't even cover my.
Jenn Junod
Oh, damn.
Regard Tang
Yeah, it's very extreme. Right. So, you constantly have to push through it. You constantly have to climb up that ladder. You always have to. It's a, it's an internal mental battle. Let's put it this way. Right. And while I was in LA, I remember what, pretty much I was just started, I didn't build my network yet. I don't have my clientele, not solid foundation and I'm still practicing, still knowing people, still getting myself out there.
I remember that if I pay next month rent, pretty much, my saving will run out and you. Yeah. So it's, it's a lot of uncertainty, a lot of unknown, right? And why that it pushed me to depress and why it's very toxic for, for me, for my experience, everyone's experience is very different, especially that for people that possibly in west coast and east coast is completely different, different lifestyle, different experience.
And I know my, now when I think back, my depression pretty much started when I was in L A because that I already become, I already being a makeup artist for a couple years during that time, I remember I couldn't get out of that for days. And now when I think back, I was like, oh, that is like a depression sign, but I didn't know better back then, right? So I sleep a lot. I would just get up, eat, feed myself.
like maybe like Pinterest. Like I still have to have the idea flow. I still have, I still email people, right? But I wasn't, I was constantly unhappy, right? And of course that once I moved to New York is a whole different beast because I remember one of my mentor, he said, if you're on time, you're late, you have to be 15 minutes before I showed up.
Jenn Junod
I'm giggling because I've mentioned this so many times on so many episodes. I'm late for everything. I don't mean to be so. Thank you. Regard for being patient because I was like three minutes late y'all. So please continue.
Regard Tang
So it's just like it's training you, your mental is basically is against your peace, right? It's a lot of moving puzzle such as some days. Well, if I'm the key key means that if you're the main artist, then of course, that you get the information ahead of time. You will know what is your call time? You will know that how many models you're dealing with because you can ask all these questions with like to from the client or the producers.
But when you are, an assistant is very difficult because that you want to get the job and you don't want people to think that oh you're asking too many questions and they will not hire you. So a lot of times that you don't really know your call time until the call sheet comes, means that the call sheet is like with all the details, things like that on, on, on the call sheet.
who's the producer, client, photographer, yada, yada, yada so on and so forth. But then yeah, so sometimes you don't get the call sheet until like possibly like six pm the day before and then the call time is like 6 a.m. surprise.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. And, and to give our listeners a bit of heads up. So you said that you were doing it in the fashion industry? I did AAA quick detour on my career in video production and a call sheet. As you said, you have your call time and your role time. A call time is when everybody is supposed to be on set or at a location, a roll time is when they're actually supposed to start filming or start taking pictures.
And without that call sheet, you literally have no idea what you're doing. And everyone is so angry if you're not where you're supposed to be, especially if they don't relay last minute call sheet changes like for a makeup artist, for videographers, producers, directors, you know, the talent and there's lighting, there's so many different moving pieces.
And if you do not have the communication, it is like the downfall of the entire production. And so, and makeup artists, I only know with the ones that we dealt with is you have to be in the shot to be able to make them pretty but not be in the shot because you can't be on camera. And if they do anything wrong, if they mess anything up, you better be there the fastest person and you can't really, you're not allowed to go anywhere.
You can't go pee, you can't do anything. You can't sneeze which y'all, I'm going off camera a lot on this one because I'm like super sneezy and I just, I really want to like hone in on how difficult it is for production but specifically makeup artists and it's also they have some of the coolest tools ever. Do you have one of those like air spray?
Regard Tang
Oh no, we don't. Actually the air brush for the Yeah, that actually usually use it in the wedding world, right? Yeah. But if you are like on productions kind of like makeup artist, usually we are old school. We use regular foundations, right? But as you said that like like makeup artist basically that beside the communication, you have to be patient about it like sometimes that you Yeah, on set like you need to eat dude, right?
But then they only give you not even giving you five minutes like I'm constantly very anxious. It's like I'm looking to set, but I'm just shovel the food down in my stomach. And so that's why it's very challenging and in every aspect and and I have to mention about that beside the mental physical is another thing. So makeup artist kid, I am 100 and £15 currently, but before that, I was like 100 and 10 right.
My makeup kit is £35 and think about that living in New York City dragging that makeup kit. So we don't have cars tracking the makeup kit bringing up to the subway, bringing back down to the subway is is basically is a workout.
Jenn Junod
So I was really buff and for those that don't know what a makeup kit is and why they weigh so much, I've actually started my own makeup kit and this is probably why I keep asking makeup questions because I just, I personally love makeup as well. It's and correct me where I'm wrong regard. It's where you have to have all of your different brushes like skin brushes, eye brushes, you know, makeup to be able to prep skin, to be able to remove makeup. And then you have to have all of your
different foundations and not only colors but different foundation types due to skin types and there's then you have your mascara, you have your lashes, you have your lipsticks and also different lip glosses to matte lipsticks to, you know, like we could go on for days and that's what makes it so heavy is being able
to organize these and then also keep them up to date that they're not expired and it is a really, really hard job that I don't think a lot of people realize behind the scenes.
Regard Tang
Yeah. But they thought, oh, yeah, makeup artist is very glamorous. Right. Majority of people think about it. But I'm like, if you carry my makeup kit, then you will know that what kind of life that I'm going through is. It's a lot, right? So yeah, so it's just a lot of unknown and also a lot of people they don't really talk about this shit is when it comes to payment, it's very interesting also.
So for people that who is in a corporate job, then of course, that every 22 weeks, every month, then they will get their check some company that you get it every single week. But then when it comes to productions, of course, there's sometimes that you get it within 30 days, 60 days, right? But when it come again, when it comes to assisting, that is a very tricky role because there's an agency involved in the middle as a middleman.
So after they collect the money, they want to hold on to that cash flow before they pass it on to you. There is a lot of times that I will get it for 90 days, for four months. The longest that I got for $250 for six months.
Jenn Junod
So crazy.
Regard Tang
So you have to constantly chasing not the job but the payment as well, right? So your hard work goes in, you've never seen the money. You're wondering that is the money coming in? I have to pay rent. I have to eat. So it's a lot of internal battle with the mind because that you are constantly having self doubt, you will not have confidence. Because that like, oh what if my clients is not hiring me or clients hire someone else?
Oh, what did I do wrong? Did I say something that I offended to someone? So even though that to some of the listener out there might sound crazy, but this is the world that in the production set no matter is makeup artists, hairstylists, models, photographers, we constantly battling with this mine and it's just not fun.
Jenn Junod
I just put the dog out because she was also whining at me on top of my sneezes. So apologies for the delay in question. And yeah, like I know with like videographers and because I worked at a, a boutique production company, one of the freelancers, he, he could wait up to almost a year for some of his clients to pay him. And it's I remember I lived on energy drinks and granola bars because it was I and as a production manager, I would put in 14 to 16 hour days and I mean, some days are even
longer or, there were times that I would sleep at the studio because like, you know, something was breaking and it's such a high, high stress environment, high stress, high anxiety shit's gonna break and people go bananas when it does. And I mean, I only lasted a year.
I can only imagine you were in that lifestyle. Yeah, you were in that lifestyle for a decade. So like how does that show up? Like I know my own experiences but when you talk about toxicity, what did that specifically show up for you as?
Regard Tang
So I think that the toxicity is means that like it moves so fast, everyone is very replaceable, right? And everyone is pushing through that world if it makes sense and I never really pay attention because that, as I mentioned it earlier that I was a, a high functioning depressed person. and I didn't know that I was depressed but after I start going through therapy, after a year in two years in and when I go back on set, my mind is start changing, right?
My start my mind start expanding, changing, seeing things differently. And when I go in, I was like, holy shit, majority people that they are depressed and they just don't know because they are on that hamster wheel and they're like, yeah, I just have to get the job done like, like the the you always have to like what is the next, what is the next, what is the next you never live in the present? I never understand what presence means until now.
So yeah, so the toxic is because that you constantly fighting with your mental health, your finance, your physical, your emotional if it's not spiritual, right? For some that is spiritual is against the spiritual belief as well because there's no inner peace, then of course, it's spiritual. Then basically you are against the four basic human needs.
Jenn Junod
And I know at least for myself and I, I'm not sure what your experience was is there were a lot of people that didn't keep their word that also would cause at least in, in, in my time there, it was like it wasn't just like everything was changing, they would promise something and literally say, I promise I'll do this and then not.
So you were like, you get bus checked a lot for stuff you're like, but I, I did my job and I did you a job. What up? which I can only imagine and talking about that toxicity. So what is burnout?
Regard Tang
So the burnout for me is basically that you're constantly on a high speed, high stress environment without peace without knowing your worth, without giving yourself time to self love or self care, right? And you battling with your mind constantly. So I just got to the point that I had enough. I was, I was literally sick inside when I was doing, I, I usually do my makeup before I go on set.
So even though my call time is six ami will get up at 4 a.m. to get my makeup done because I feel like it's a self-respect and res like and then you just want to look good at your job, right? And also as a makeup artist. So you when you are constantly trying to be the best of yourself and it just worn you down. And when you're, let's say also when you're traveling, if you have a job, you have to be physically in New York, you have to fly back to New York to just be presenting yourself to the job.
So I remember one time I was in Barcelona and one of my clients is a regular client, so I cannot burn this bridge and they meet me last minute and they meet me at three days campaign and I can't say no because it's great money. And I was like, dude, this three days basically that I'm set, I'm pretty much set for the month for my food and my expenses, my rent, yada, yada yada, I had a 3.5 days trip in Barcelona.
I have to cut it down to a day and a half because of that. So yeah, it's a lot of moving puzzle. Basically, your job is running your life. It's not you running your life. So that is the reason why for me, that was a huge burnout for me.
Jenn Junod
What made you go to therapy? Was it burn out then? Therapy or therapy? And you realized you were already going through burnout.
Regard Tang
So I kind of realized that I wasn't constantly happy. I was a happy kid. I was a happy kid. even though in my twenties, I play a lot. But then in my thirties, I dedicate my life to my career. So I don't even know what plates looks like. And I tell people, yeah, my job is plate but which is not. And I realized that when I talk to people, people is like, why are you just constantly talking about your job?
And one of my friends, he said that you are constantly angry and I was like, what are you talking about? And as I said that in the morning, I would do my own makeup before I go to work. And I literally look at myself and I was crying inside. I was just very, very, very sad, right? So I know that something is off, something is not right. And I was talking to one of my very close girlfriends. We've been knowing each other for a decade now and I have to thank her because she was like, well, I
started going to therapy and it's actually helped you just talk to people and, and I don't think that you have problem with it. You love talking to people. Why don't you just try? So, because I'm a very curious person and I always say that one of my mantra is try, try at least once in your life, right?
Regard Tang, Jenn Junod
As long as there's no harm in your life, then you go up right?
Regard Tang
Then you're good. But anyway, so I, I just went in with my own curiosity and I was like, well, whatever, just talking to people, whatever, within five minutes, I was fucking bawling my eyes out. Oh jeez, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? What is wrong with my life? What is wrong? Everything was wrong at that point. So it was almost four years ago now.
Jenn Junod
So and curiosity with having and, you know, I'm not gonna have the proper way of asking this. So I've, I've heard from a lot of individuals with Asian descent is that the, you know, having going through mental health and acknowledging mental health is not something in many Asian cultures. Is that something that you dealt with? Like with your family as well?
Regard Tang
I will say that I'm very, very lucky because that also I'm an only child. So I get a lot of like a free pass cat card, right? So I, I think I was very transparent once I start going to therapy, but I didn't talk too much because they knew that I was going to high stress job and I always complain. I wasn't grateful at all. And I was just like, it's always that kind of energy is just like, so much anger, so much negativity in you and you're just repeating yourself over and over and over and over
again. So I was just, I was talking to my parents. They was like, ok, whatever works for you, you know, like, they wasn't, like, extremely supportive. I was like, yeah, I have to go through therapy. It wasn't like that but like, they are like, ok, cool, whatever. So they didn't curious that like, oh my God, are you crazy or like, oh my God, what is wrong with you? Right? If, and they know that if they judge me like this, I wouldn't tell them a thing. So they know me. Yeah.
Jenn Junod
Well, that, that is really, really good to hear because I've, I've heard that so often and I can, I can only imagine it's different for different cultures and, you know, as different families because everyone has, you know, their own, like, family culture too yet. I've heard from so many people. That's something that they really struggled with is because that came up in their families.
So I'm grateful to hear that it, it went well for you and your family. and I also asked because you said that you the cards were dealt that you had to move in with your family and deal with shit. So I was kind of leading up to that one and like how did that come up? And how did that happen?
Regard Tang
Yeah. So I briefly mentioned it earlier. I left my parents when I was 12. I moved, I was originally from Hong Kong and I, I born and raised there and because of Hong Kong education wasn't as good compared to the States, right? And I'm very grateful now. but when you were 12, you don't know shit about it. And I was like, OK, I just don't need to see my parents quote.
But now it gives me an opportunity to learn a second language and give me an opportunity to really living different kind of dreams creating myself instead of being a very small city that everything is very limited. You have to live with your family. It's, it's just very, there's a lot of limitations in Hong Kong, right? So I'm very grateful for that.
And yeah, because I didn't get into a good high school. So they there was an opportunity because my dad's family part of it already moved to the United State back then and, and they were like, hey, would you like to move to the States? I was like, oh, I don't really have to go to like study or? And I don't have to like living with you guys. Ok. Peace.
So, yeah. So I, I left them but I didn't know. Of course, I didn't know until that I became an adult that it create a childhood trauma. Right. So, thankfully that my therapist helped me a lot to finding who I am my own worth. And also a lot of family stuff. How do I communicate? How, how can I come across the word that it, it doesn't trigger like any of us, even though there's still a lot of triggering, right?
Living with parents is a very interesting experience. But I am truly grateful that universe really give me, give me this opportunity because if I never really lived with my parents in my adult life after start going to therapy, I wouldn't really heal my inner child. And of course, I'm still healing now. I mean, come on, but I'm still going to therapy.
I'm very transparent on this and I, I'm, I love therapy. I'm all about it. And yeah, so it just gives me a very amazing opportunity. Of course, that sometimes we still have like fights of reflections, not agreeing on each others, right? But also that we still learning and, and still healing the time that we miss and able to show them that I became an adult now. And you guys do not have to worry about because that when you are the only child in an Asian family, they always see you as a baby.
And now that it actually give me an opportunity to show, especially my dad that I, I'm able to, to handle a lot of different kind of situations. I'm fucking kick ass, right. So now that he finally able to see it, if I never live with him, I don't think that he will ever ever see it.
Jenn Junod
So OK, thank you for sharing that. I think that's something that a is super tough and the fact of learning to live with your parents, especially since not living with them since you were 12. Yeah. Also talking about how you're working on healing your inner child. That is something that I think a lot of people don't even think about. And I can say for myself with therapy, that is something that I've worked and are continuing to work on and it's not fun.
And that's why I was so excited about you coming on the podcast is talking about the ship behind self acceptance because I it's, it's very, very trendy right now. Self love, self acceptance. And eight, your journey reminds me of and then I can only imagine just like get going through and having to deal with both of like a job change and being with family again and starting a, a new career and new location and you know, like and
therapy, like you're going through a lot. And so what does self acceptance even look like? Or self care? Like what's the nitty gritty of it instead of just the trendy Instagram?
Regard Tang
Yeah. So I want to add one more thing. Before I go into the answer is while I'm changing the location, moving in with my parents, changing their job and actually I was going through a heartbreak.
Jenn Junod
Oh, damn. Regard. You're just like piling it on over here. We got heartbreak too.
Regard Tang
So, yeah. No, I mean we end in a good terms and he's still a good friend of mine, but we just have like a different path. I'm not going to too much of the details on this because I want to talk about more on self acceptance, right? But yeah, so I 2020 is definitely a lot for me. But yeah, so for the self acceptance, I would say because I know that my life could be better and I, because that nowadays, as you said, Instagram or all kinds of social media article, whatever that they always promote.
Oh, you have to love yourself, you have to like self care, you have to like craft your time out, which is great. Those are tools. But if you never laid the foundations of accepting yourself, no matter how good, bad, ugly or whatever it is, you are not able to build self love. Yeah, that is like the basic foundations of it, right? So for me, I am very grateful that I have a very solid support team. I have a lot of great friends. So I talked to them a lot and I, the more you talk about it to people,
no matter that your great friends who are really supporting you, remember that you have to find some friends that they are supporting you in instead of judging you. That is a huge difference right there. And also having like a therapy, my family that even though I'm living with them is a lot of like molding our day to day life. But I know that they are truly very supportive to me as well. Right? So I would say that to me, I talk to people constantly about my problems
Jenn Junod
that works. That is one way.
Regard Tang
Yeah, because if you don't talk about your problems, people are your sounding board, right? They sometimes that, of course, as I said earlier that you have to find some friends that they have good patience. They are true to you, they are not giving you bullshit. They are really telling you that, hey, this is what I see and then you have to really self reflect and a year now, I, I start this questions a year ago.
No matter, it's a good thing or bad thing that happens to me, especially for the bad, like quote unquote, bad thing, which means that it doesn't go my way because I have a certain expectations and it, it just doesn't have the same result that I want. I always ask myself one thing, what did I learn from this lesson?
Jenn Junod
100%? And I, I feel like I just wanna break down a little bit. And even I'll share my own experiences of finding your self acceptance and some people are. I, I always thought it was something that some people were just born with and it, it, it is a lot of nurture and you know, your upbringing and experiences that you go through and for myself, I didn't realize even I would use the same term as self worth for me. They go interchangeably that I didn't really have self worth until oddly till
I had my craniotomy a, a little over a year ago, I didn't know what it was. No, I'm dying with allergies right now. So my apologies. but it is the type of thing that it, it took, I was in the production world and I had to have brain surgery and I got in trouble basically for having brain surgery and having to be out for a month. And that month off really taught me that, taking my care of myself matters. But it's been minor change.
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Jenn Junod
Good thing that I'm not, you know, as the interviewer, I don't normally talk very much.
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Jenn Junod
pretty sure. it was, when I got done with my craniotomy in that month off that I realized how much I was worth it, but it took me working on my inner child and yet it's also something that for myself, self acceptance was started showing up as I no longer view myself as ugly, which is like, was a crazy thing because it regard if I met you, I can relate, I can relate. What? Yeah, like if I were to meet you, even a year ago, year and a half ago, I would be like, I, I would put somebody that has their,
their shit together on a pedestal and put their worth above mine. Like you're a makeup artist, you know how to do your makeup, you know, already know how to take care of things and you have fashion and you lived everywhere and I would put everyone else above my own because I was like, I'm not that cool, like no way or I would minimize myself and I would never wear a sweater with super crazy shoulders.
Regard Tang
Thank you. I love it.
Jenn Junod
because I wouldn't want to draw attention to myself because that would be considered selfish or even wearing my crazy gold overalls that I absolutely love would be too much. And because I was listening to what other people have said in the past of you can't dress that way. You're, you, you're just gonna end up being narcissistic or, you know, I ended up making myself so small and also with putting every thinking everyone else's worth was higher than my own.
I never gave people a chance to get to know me because I didn't show up because I was too afraid to show up. And I'm, I'm curious especially with your coaching. How the hell do you change that? Because that shit sucks living in your head. And I would say all the bubble baths and pedicures and, you know, taking naps is not gonna fix self acceptance
like it helps, but it's not the jam. It is like, you know, as you said, it's, it's on top of the foundation that you already built. But I don't, I don't know how to build a house.
Regard Tang
So how do I build? But what is the, what is the foundations?
Jenn Junod
Yeah. Like I don't know how to build that.
Regard Tang
Yeah. No. By the way, thank you for sharing because I can completely relate to when you said that I'm not pretty. I'm ugly, right? Like all those words are the, are the words that is actually we develop those stories to telling ourselves who we are, right? It could be because of family that we never get those love or words from them. So possibly that is start developing our head or when you were young that someone doesn't love you back like when you're like, I don't know, six years old
and then the the the the the girl sit next to you doesn't love you back then you start having those stories, right? But this is the I, this is how I always ask people, is this the truth? How can you get evidence? Did people tell you about this or is a story that you have it in your head? Right.
Jenn Junod
And on, on that note, I just, I do want to call this out. I was in a relationship that the guy would actually tell me you can't have a burger. You gotta order salad because you're too fat. That is n, and I just, I really want to call that out because on that evidence piece, sometimes our world is surrounded by people that will, oh, shoot, I even forgot what it's called.
But you look for something. So the, that you'll find facts that validate. Exactly. And, yeah. And, and it's, it's, if you ask a random stranger, they're probably not gonna say that you're ugly because like, humans are fucking beautiful.
Regard Tang
Exactly. so I wanna, touch base on that, right? for the narcissist because that when you do not know what is your self worth or you don't believe yourself have worth, let's say you have, I don't know, like, let's say for, 1 to 10 or sorry, 1 to 100 for instance. Right? You only believe yourself worth $10. You wouldn't go up over $10 because you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, maybe I shouldn't.
So you will get whatever is under $10 that kind of market Right. So you will come because that what you believe you attract. So if you believe that you're not worth it, you will attract narcissists and then they don't treat you well. Then they are like, see, this is a confirmation, I'm not worth it. There you go. So that's a cycle.
Jenn Junod
It's a cycle and 100% like I live that for way too long. And yes, on just that cycle is something that I have asked so many people because I can't pinpoint where I got the change or what I do think the craniotomy ended up taking like years of research. And you know, my, my current partner, he builds me up and for so much and it took, I originally broke up with him because I didn't believe I could be loved.
And so it was terrifying him loving me just the way I am. I thought I was like, what's wrong with you? Like I thought something was wrong with him and it was me not loving myself. And how do you start having people dig into that? Because that is, is scary dealing with the truth of I've been lying to myself all these years and I didn't know that I was lying to myself.
Regard Tang
It's, it's a lot of a a law for to unpack, right? But I want to focus on how did I get to self acceptance also, right. So yeah, of course that when someone love you more than you love yourself as something unfamiliar. That's why you said earlier that oh what is wrong with you because you believe that you're not self worth. And I remember my story is one of my close girlfriends is another girlfriend, not the one that who referred me to therapy.
I put her in a pedestal. I think that she's really pretty. She's fucking smart. She's killing it in fashion industry. And while I was saying something, I was like, yeah, I don't think that I'm pretty and she look at me like crazy. She's like, what are you talking about? Like what is, what is wrong with you? Like why would you say that to yourself?
So this is the reason why that I always been over backward for guys. I always direct the relationship for too long. So this is the reason why that I wanna say touch base on that. But when it comes to self acceptance and how can I be, how, how did I become a coach, accept that and become a coach and able to help people to lay the foundations? Right? I first of all, I'm not going to lie about it.
It takes time, right? If you are thinking about switch on, switch off it's not going to happen. I wish, yeah, like this, there's no magic in it. I do not have fairy dust so I can't, I can't do anything about that. and it takes time to develop, it's just one baby step at a time. And I always say about that the self acceptance is like a stairs. You just have to look at the next step.
You don't look at the whole stairs because that you don't know how the stairs goes. And where is it, where is it at? Right. But, I give myself a lot of empathy. I start learning to give myself a lot and a lot of empathy since 2020 because of COVID is take a huge turn on most of us. And I was really hard on myself. I was like, oh my God, why I, I wasn't like being productive, yada, yada yada.
And again, thank you for having the support system and my therapist during that time, she was like, what is your win for today? Right. So I start learning how to being empathy with myself. And I give us, I give myself a lot of compassion even though this year, maybe, possibly during summer. I would say that I'm a high achiever. I set a lot of goals in my life and I achieved it, but I still think that I didn't do enough.
I, I want to do more. I don't, I just didn't give myself enough credit. And one morning my alarm clock rings and I was like, oh regard, you should get up. Why you're not getting out of that. Yada, yada yada. Right. I always have that kind of like mindset, but then that morning something shift, I was like, you know what you deserved it. You, you've been working really hard for your coaching business and you are transitioning, you're doing a lot of shit doing last year and you're still
healing. Why don't you sleep another hour? I slept till like 1130 or so. So it's just because that it's also how you talk to yourself that change a lot for my self acceptance before. I think that I wasn't pretty now that I, I, I'm telling people, especially when I go out, I dress up. I'm like, I'm hot as fuck.
Jenn Junod
I love that. I love that. Yeah.
Regard Tang
So it's really, how do you talk to yourself? Right. I say that I was just coaching someone the other day. She's like, I don't think that I am a great writer. I'm like, ok, what is the great one? Step down? Good? Right. And then what is one step down from good, pretty good, pretty solid. And, and what is another step down? I'm OK. And then another step down. I'm semi ok. What do you feel about? I'm semi OK. As a, as a writer. She's like, yeah, I feel good about it. Great.
Jenn Junod
I, I would also say to, to that point too is I it's something with my self acceptance that took a long time to find in a lot of hurdles and a lot of shit is I'm not gonna fix like fit into other people's boxes. I am a star that is not gonna fit in their box. It's just not gonna happen. And it took a very, very long time because as, as you're talking about writing, I got a job that I just freeze when I write. I'm not, it's not my jam. And I always thought back then that it was I'm because I'm a bad
writer. What I found out is it's all because I'm a bad writer. It's because I don't enjoy it. I love video. I love talking to people. I am also hella dyslexic and so talking it out and then like getting the tran script and then, you know, redoing it if I have to do video or having to write, I'm like, oh, that's just how I think I don't think like other people. I just gotta learn how I do it and that's OK that we do it differently, but I don't have to do everything the way they want me to.
Regard Tang
Yeah, I, I really love that you're creating your own box, right? I told people about this, this is my story. I'm sure some of the listeners out there that who could relate, especially that is the first generations of Asian American, right? And I had a crisis, identity crisis that I was like, wait, I was from Hong Kong but I can't really fully relate it to Hong Kong, but I'm not American either.
And, well, first of all, I don't look like, look like them. Second of all, I'm like, second of all, I'm like, I like this is my second language. I'm still learning every single day for like for speaking English writing English like, you know, and then all of a sudden I realized I was like, wait, hold on. Why I have to fit into boxes?
Why can't I create my own box? That this is me. I was from Hong Kong. I moved here when, when I was 12, I started learning English when I was 12, but it wasn't perfect. I'm able to communicate with people perfectly but and come across the point but some word I just cannot pronounce that or say it right way. But hey, this is me.
Jenn Junod
I feel like I, I love that you at least have like a reason I'm born in the States. You know, I've grown up here. English is my only language and I can't pronounce things and I forget words all the time. So you know, like just throwing that one out there.
Regard Tang
Yeah, but I'm just saying that like we don't meant to fit into certain boxes, we meant we meant to fit into many boxes, right? And when you have that many boxes and collect that you became that unique box. So I want to remind people about that because I feel like a lot of people, they're trying so hard to fit into certain boxes.
I'm like, no, you are you, you're not just one of those quality. Yeah. Right. And also I always tell people about this, I think why it works for me to accept a lot of things. for myself. My past yada yada yada is being, being curious, curiosity is the cure of judgment.
Jenn Junod
Oh, I love that.
Regard Tang
Yeah. So you don't, that is like AAA drum a knowledge. Exactly. So yeah, so when you're being curious instead of just jumping to like to the conclusion, you're like, oh, wait, hold on. Why is like that? Then you, when you start asking questions, then you develop a lot of things that you might not know. So in the last couple of years that I asked myself a lot of different kind of questions I do a lot of self reflecting.
And that's the reason why, of course, there's part of me that I'm still accepting myself, right? I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect and I accept that I'm not perfect. But yeah, so I'm always curious and asking myself a lot of questions. So this is how I develop of the persons that I wanted to be.
Regard Tang, Jenn Junod
And I will never regret one day when I'm on my deathbed and, and on that note, like how what are questions or things we can do to reflect and have better self talk.
Regard Tang
Yeah. So one thing I, as I said earlier that I asked myself at the situations that when it doesn't go your way, when you have certain expectations and the result is just not, you don't really like it. You ask yourself that, what is one thing that I learned from this lesson? This question literally changed my life. And also you can ask yourself different question is like, oh this, let's say like this person didn't respond your text, right?
Is as simple as that not asking, not being like the excuse or blaming or whatever or like, oh why? Like what is this person doing? Maybe you can actually ask them instead of like judging them or jump to the conclusion is like, oh yeah, they never text back. So I'm being like in resentment mode, right?
Jenn Junod
I know that one all too well because I had to start telling my friends and family. Yo you may text me, I'll read it and then sometimes I forget to OK, always forget to reply and because having that openness with others that I, that's how I am. I work harder on actually replying as well as knowing that about myself.
I'm like, oh shit, they're probably like that too. At least my old boss I thought I wasn't gonna get a job because of it because she didn't reply. My iMessage on my computer. Got the message not my phone.
Regard Tang
Yeah, see. Yeah. So, so asking why is very powerful, right? So you can ask yourself different kind of questions even though with your partner just be genuinely curious instead of any like, oh, why you do that? That is true, that way. Not asking that way, but like, oh, why did you do that? I'm just curious, right? So that is definitely leads you to a lot of different kind of answers too and that it will develop of who you truly want to be and one step at a time.
Jenn Junod
So does take many steps. I will say that and I know that we're getting close to wrapping up on time and just to make sure I didn't miss anything in regard. Was there anything you wanted to go over that we haven't gone over today?
Regard Tang
I think one thing I want to talk about as I mentioned it before we start recording is I cannot shut up about mental health and I talk about my own experience, right? If you are feeling any symptoms of like not eating enough, not sleeping enough sleep, too much, first of all, definitely do Google research and seek for professional. And if you, I understand some people that they are not comfortable to seeking for professional, first of all, professionals that they don't like, they
are fairly friendly people, including myself. Yeah, and we are generally want to help people, right? But if you are not comfortable seeking for professional talk to someone that you can truly trust and not and understanding. They are not here to judge you. They really like supporting you. I feel like that will help a lot of people out there to get a little bit better mental health awareness. Yeah.
Jenn Junod
Thank you. And for our, our listeners, we had an episode come out. I bel it's close to our early episodes with Rachel Shumway and she's talking about eating disorders. We, towards the end of it, we actually go over what it's like to ask for help and what it's like to be a supportive friend towards the end of the episode. And I just really want to bring that up because I feel like it relates so much to what you just said, regard and what are some words of encouragement or wisdom or how do
people reach out to you? Because I feel like the, the role you play it now and being a coach is so powerful that like, what are all the things that you do and how do people reach out to you? Yeah.
Regard Tang
So, first of all, I wanna say that the, the things that I wanna share with the listener maybe we can put the word of wisdom, right? So I would say they speak the truth when you're not speaking truth, it is out of alignment. Of course, I understand for some people, it doesn't come easy to be authentic to speak the truth. Maybe you don't have to tell the whole story.
But then if you speak the truth for only like possibly like 3% 5% and then you can increase it little by little, you will align with your inner self way more, right? So that is one thing that I want to share with the listener and also the listeners that they can check on my website. My website is Regard tank.com is my first name and my last name.com and they can find me on Instagram is Regard Tank Coaching.
my first name, my last name and coaching and I offer 45 minute clarity session for complimentary. So if any listeners, they want to just share with me their their obstacles, their stories or like, oh, I really don't know how to accept myself. I don't know how to align myself, yada, yada yada. Of course, that that 45 minutes, we cannot go over everything, but at least that we can go over a couple points of it, right.
So yeah, they can find me on Instagram. Instagram is a great way to find me. And if they are, they want to write me an email, they could also write me an email is info at Regard tank.com. So it's info at Regard tank.com groovy.
Jenn Junod
Thank you and definitely to our listeners. Do it II I can, I can only say if you can't hear it through listening or watching the this episode is Regard has been super patient with my sneezing my coughing, my I keep turning my camera off when I have to blow my nose. Like she has been so patient with me thus far and just having the conversa, I didn't even put the Zoom link in our calendar invite until probably like half an hour beforehand.
You know, podcasting life, it's I'm getting there. I am and regard has been so patient and really even just interviewing you today, regard it. You bring this like patience and acceptance to talking to you and, and you did that when we had our intro call and I just really want to say thank you for that and to our listeners like know that you can reach out to regard like choose do so, so do that. Yeah.
Regard Tang
Thank you for that. Yeah. No, II I truly grateful for that honestly. And I guess being a coach is definitely have to shape me to being more patient. And of course, the makeup artist part that is, is a lot to do with it. But yeah, so I always tell the listener that you, no, sorry, not the listener like my clients, right? You are at a safe place.
I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to guide you. I'm here to help you if you want to get out of your certain situations, from your mind. I, I'm just here to guide, I'm, I'm here to hold your hands. I'm here to hold you accountable and make sure that everything it's ok the way that it should be right. and yeah, again, thank you so much.
Jenn Junod
Yeah, and last, but not least, what are you grateful? What is something you're grateful for regard?
Regard Tang
what is something that I'm grateful for is I'm really grateful for, I'm having an opportunity to heal. And as, as we said earlier, that the inner child is like a big piece when it comes to adult and we don't even know that we have a lot of us that we don't even know inner child because that if you tell me about inner child like two years ago, I'm like, what the heck that you talk about?
Jenn Junod
Yes. Yes.
Regard Tang
So yeah, so we all forgot to nurture it from play, from being compassion with them, being patient with them asking questions, understanding that is actually very healing as an adult and I always talk about this, we all have our own shit. We all have our own different baggage, right? And no matter you come into your relationship or as a friendship or even as an individuals, you carry a lot on your back.
But however, how can you let go? How can you understand that? And nurturing your inner child in order to let go. That is something really, really, really powerful for me. And I'm very grateful that I have the support system and able to let me heal to the point that I'm at right now.
Regard Tang, Jenn Junod
So, yeah, it is awesome and, and hard work and a lot of hard work, a lot of hard work.
Regard Tang
I'm not going to lie. I mean, dude, I can't do the work for you. I'm just a guy.
Jenn Junod
Yeah, 100%. 100%. I, I wish II I will say I, I, and I, I'll, I'll, I'll use this as my gratitude for today. I'm grateful that my therapist knows that even though I tell her almost weekly that I hate her, I really don't hate her. And she asked me really hard questions and has me figure it out and really challenges me to go deep and it's hard work.
And when I go, I hate you. It's really not to her or anything. It's jokingly and lovingly because she's challenging me more than I ever thought possible. And I am so grateful for her.
Regard Tang
Yeah. And, and also you don't have to know all the answers sometimes even now like people is like, oh my God, coaches should know all the answers. Yada, yada yada. I'm like, first of all, we are not God. So we don't have all kinds of answers and even now that I embrace my, I'm not sure. Right, because I don't have to answer for that.
So, yeah, so don't be too hard on yourself. And I understand majority people out there did way too hard for their, like for themselves just being compassion. Like I always say that will you treat your best friend or your close friend like this? If you don't, then why the heck that you're being so hard on yourself?
Jenn Junod
Exactly. Exactly. And thank you Regard for being on the podcast today and talk soon. Yeah, thank you.
We appreciate you listening to the episode. Please like follow and share on our social media at shit to talk about. That is shit. The number two talk about stay tuned on Wednesdays and Fridays for new episodes. This episode was made possible by production manager Tron Nan, business manager, Bill Powell and your host, Jen.
