S1 E1 Shit2TalkAbout Jenn has Sh!t You Don't Want to Talk About
Transcript was AI generated, if there are mistakes, please let me know! Thank you in advance! Jenn Junod
Thank you for joining Sh!t You Don’t Want to Talk About as it says in the title. This is shit you don't want to talk about this can have explicit content. We do cuss and we don't censor and it could be content that's not suitable for kids under the age of 13. That being said, kiddos, please ask your parents to listen. If you want to listen to one of these episodes.
Parents, please use your best judgment if you are gonna allow your kids to listen to this. This is content that I wish I knew when I was a kid yet. It does involve explicit content and there are trigger warnings for both kiddos and adults read the description to read what it's about because there are way too many topics that we talk about that could be trigger warnings for any of us.
We do wish you the best and we really want to have this podcast out there to change shit. You don't want to talk about to shit to talk about. So we all have help and no longer feel alone. Much love. Enjoy the episode.
Current Jenn
Thanks for joining me on this adventure of shit you don't want to talk about. I know that title totally grabbed your attention and you're wondering what shit do you not wanna talk about?
I have a feeling just a hunch shit you don't wanna talk about includes trauma, racial bias, religion, politics. LGBTQ+ plus community. Hm. That's just a few to get started. Some that I want to talk about are men's mental health, racial bias. LGBTQ+ plus community. Yet. That's what we'll go through as this podcast goes on this episode is to introduce you, you the new listener, which I'm stoked.
You're here to join me on this journey to find out a little bit more about me. Your host, Jen. I am nervous to say the least. I didn't really know what to do with this intro episode. I'm still working through therapy and I'm working through it with each of the episodes I record. So to start with, let's start with where I actually started this journey in 2014 when I was going to Purdue Northwest, Northeast Bob.
Please correct me because Bob actually helped me make this video back when I had no idea what I was doing and helped me start the journey even though I was too scared to ever share this video. So here's a quick clip.
Past Jenn, circa 2013-ish (video/audio transitioned to something recorded in 2013ish)
My name is Jenn and I wanna start a podcast with the idea that I'll be able to help people with overcoming their challenges and tragedies to help them fuel their success about having someone to reach out to you and saying, hey, can you listen to me and somebody to share, actually going through something you went through because I know that you will see that this world needs to be a brighter place and it's all about giving forward rather than always expecting something in return.
Current Jenn
So let's just say I can't believe that was seven, almost seven years ago and how short my hair was and I wish I could high five myself. Can we just enjoy that lipstick? I love lipstick. That is one thing you will learn about this episode. It still reigns true. Human connection is the most important thing to me. This next episode was a few years later in 2018. It was my 30th birthday and even now it's hard for me to imagine that I got through it.
Past Jenn, circa 2018 (video/audio transitioned to a recording for my 30th birthday)
I was on my, on a train from cologne Germany to Paris where I am spending my 30th birthday by myself here in Paris and it hit me not that I'm gonna be alone for my 30th birthday. But there was a point in my life that I didn't want to live another day. I was 14 and I was, oh, I had went through a lot already, had been through physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and my best friend died in there. There was a lot that I went through by that point and I did not see a reason for living. And today it hit me that Monday, I turned 30 and that I would have not had the opportunity to share these gifts with the world and connect so many people. If my suicide attempt had been successful, if my cutting was successful, roughly 52 scars on my body from cutting because the pain I felt that I caused other people if I took it out of myself, it would have made the world a better place because I seriously thought the world would have been a better place without me. And I felt more alone than I ever had when I was with a group of people. And I could barely manage being in a crowd or being alone with myself. A lot of people see the bright and shiny and don't know the hard work or don't know the struggles and it's not always easier on the other side and knowing the full picture. And I am so grateful for the love and support that I receive and the relationships I have.
Current Jenn
Yeah. That one was a tough one. I'm so grateful that I'm still alive and I'm here. And this next episode is not from Paris. It's actually from the Grand Canyon. And it's another one of those lessons I had to learn along the way
Past Jenn, circa 2018 (video/audio transitioned to a recording from the Grand Canyon)
As much as sometimes I think I can handle it all. And I really want to just be able to do it all myself. I had to ask for help and I had to ask for support and saying, hey, I think everybody thinks I'm doing great, but I need more support and that's ok and it's ok to start over and it's ok to not know because I literally have no idea what's going to happen and there's lots of opportunities. I'm so grateful to be here and with this beautiful view and seriously, I just want to show you guys one more time. Like look at this, look at this. Yeah, just the river. Then we're back here. Oh, yeah, beautiful view.
Current Jenn
Asking for help is hard. Just saying. And it is something that we all have to learn. Now, this next bit is, oh really? What started this journey? And what happened exactly a year before the launch of this episode and this podcast on November 2nd 2020.
Past Jenn, circa 2020 (video/audio transitioned to an old recording)
This is the side. I have my craniotomy on. the scar isn't too bad. It's hidden by hair. Luckily I did not have to shave my head. Yay. I have been having headaches since I was about 10 migraines. And I knew I had these cysts. I actually have a couple all over my brain and I had no idea that the headaches were being caused by it until the last couple of years. They've been consistent and they're always right here. They were. So I had a craniotomy to help drain the cyst and hopefully, I never have to do that.
Again, it was not fun. In that time, I had to take a month off and rest and that was hard. It's been now that I'm back to work, I've been getting a lot of overwhelm, a lot of overthinking, a lot of anxiety and a lot of realizing how hard it was for me to rest. I have always struggled with my mental health. I, I've really, really had a hard time with depression my entire life.
Some of, you know, and this may be news to some of you and I hope this does not trigger anyone. I have been a cutter. I have been suicidal. It's been a long time, but I still from time to time struggle with those thoughts and taking time to rest made me realize how much of a workaholic that I've always been. I've always been a workaholic. It's been my one thing I hide behind and how much goes into why I'm a workaholic of not feeling enough.
Oh, that one's hard to say out loud. And these are all things that I'm starting to go to therapy for in the new year. I'm gonna be starting EMDR to start working through a lot of the trauma that I went through as a kid. Some of that includes sexual, physical, emotional abuse that has compounded and is really coming up after, after my surgery.
I'm hoping that by me sharing my journey, maybe one of you might realize you're not alone cause I know even with my strongest support, which I am so grateful for and I do have such a strong support system. But even with the strongest support system in the world, there are times where I feel like I am alone and that is the mental disease called depression and it shows up differently for everyone and I really, really want you to know that you're not alone.
Current Jenn
Well, shit, we, yeah, I had a craniotomy. I didn't really tell anybody and well, it changed my life in more that way than one. It is very humbling to have someone having to bathe you because you can't get your hair wet or sand or really function. I'm very, very lucky lady for my partner who has taught me that it's safe to be vulnerable. Now, let's continue on this crazy journey of the end of 2020 to 2021 getting this podcast started.
Past Jenn, circa 2021 (video/audio transitioned to an old recording)
So today was my first day with my psychiatrist and yep, still bipolar.
Cool.
I definitely had two hour appointment that I had no idea it, time flew. So we're gonna be checking out mood stabilizers. ok. Don't know if I'm excited or not, but hey, I definitely gonna give it a shot and see if I could, you know, things can go in the right direction.
Current Jenn
Yeah, all that trauma came back up and yeah, I had to try go into a psychiatrist and therapist. Not my favorite yet. So grateful for it. Shit, I don't wanna talk about it.
Shit, I don't want to deal with, let alone talk about
Past Jenn, circa 2021 (video/audio transitioned to an old recording)
….and the psychiatrist put me on mood stabilizers and beta blockers, mood stabilizers because I'm bipolar type two and beta blockers for my anxiety.
It's like take one up to three times a day as needed for anxiety and they kind of like keep your heart rate down. And at first they were really weird. definitely in sensation. I'm not used to, but once I got used to it, it actually really helps because it's like my body wants to get it amped up, but it can't get amped up.
It's actually kind of cool to do yoga again, which is something that's really helped my mental health. It's really helped me be more grounded and helped with just clarity and, and there's so much chaos in the world. So, and in my mind that it really helps me stay focused on what I want to focus on.
Current Jenn
It's an update. Definitely. Now this next update is hard for me to admit because I always want to talk about how life is improving, how it's always getting better. I promise I'll always be real to you. And this one's pretty real.
Past Jenn, circa 2021 (video/audio transitioned to an old recording)
Hey, fam, it's been a minute since I posted one of these videos and I just wanted to give you an update. It's I have been on mood stabilizers as well as about a month ago.I was put on a antidepressant anti anxiety medication and crazy enough, hey, I still have a personality.
It's great.
The other update on and just going into that is what has been my experience with being bipolar type two and you know,ADHD and being on a mood stabilizer and an anti anxiety anti depression pill. Well, at first it made me super super nauseous. It was not fun. I didn't know, not my friend. But now it's, it's really mellowed out. I've been on it just about a month and I no longer have the nausea, which is pretty awesome.
Past Jenn, circa 2021 (video/audio transitioned to a different old recording)
I really don't want to just share all of the rainbows and butterflies and how it's always, you know, progress and that's, that's a really fake side of it. And I mean, there are times where that happens, it does go that direction but not always. And today I had one of the hardest panic attacks that I've had in many, many years. And for me, a panic attack is literally knowing that logically, this makes no sense why I am so upset and why I'm going on a downward spiral, but it's not stopping, it's getting worse. My breathing, I start to hyperventilate. panic attacks nine times out of 10 for me involve crying. I want to share that I've had really good grounding exercises that have helped me cope with them like taking deep breaths, working on, going on a walk, distracting myself with something else like work or, you know, a game or playing with the dog.
And those have really helped over time, they don't always help. And with today's panic attack, all my normal resources didn't help. And it was, it was so hard. I, I can't, I don't know how to explain it. Other than every time I was trying to take a deep breath, I started hyperventilating more and I'm getting choked up because I, as much as this is a struggle for me, I would never wish for panic attacks and depression and anxiety or bipolar on anyone because it is tough.
And I just want to say that even with taking anti anxiety medication and anti depression medication and with being on mood stabilizers, those help, they really, really do. Life isn't perfect. And what really helped me today is when someone shared a practice that they've done of, hey, describe to me something you see and I did describe to me something you hear and I did describe to me something you smell and that got me out of it.
After almost four hours of a panic attack, it got me out and I can go back to work and I can go on with my day. But there are times that panic attacks are crippling. So please be patient with yourself if you have them. And if you know of others and experience others going through panic attacks.
Please be supportive and ask them how you can help because forcing your way through or telling them to get over it a lot of times makes it worse. But I just wanted to share it, just life itself and my own struggles. So that way other people know that it's not just that.
Current Jenn
So I actually played those two back to back because the first one leads into the second one and she got real for me. I mean it has before. Yeah, that, that time it was really hard. It was right after we moved to Colorado and that's who I am. These are all different parts and pieces and I don't always know what's going on mentally or emotionally and I'm working through it and working to stabilize it.
And I need a group of people around me to support me because fuck, this is hard. This is hard shit. And yet I've never felt fulfilled because this isn't just my journey. It's our journey. And I'm really excited for you to be on this adventure with me. We are going to be talking to so many different people, different backgrounds, different experiences, different ages.
And this is my promise to you. This is an identity statement which yes, I'm totally cheating and if I can unlock my phone, using my phone and I'm excited to share this with you. This is my identity statement. My promise is to be kind to you, to hear you, to see you to be present, for you to use every gift I have been given to give a voice to all those who have been silenced or go unheard.
I vow to continue creating a culture of connection. I walk the walk. I am resilient. I am kind to myself. I go all in when I experience the moment I'll allow myself to feel it, to process it, to learn from it. I forgive the choices of my past and take risk for the future. Are you curious? So I know that's an understatement. I am curious. I chased challenges using fear to push past discomfort. I learn from my mistakes. Share my challenges and use what I learned to fuel my hustle. I live outside the box outside my comfort zone. I respect my boundaries while pushing the limits, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually and financially, I live with gratitude and strive to remain humble, humble, leaving ego at the door. And that's my promise to you is to be here for you. Thank you for joining the first episode of shit. You don't wanna talk about, hit us up on social media and to do so. It is across all platforms, shit to talk about. And that's what the number two and shoot us an email or you know, hit me up and let us know what you want to talk about.
You can always go to the website and also submit to be a guest and that's where you can find out more about our Patreon to, you know, support the cause because I don't know if you knew this, but podcasts cost a shit ton of money. It's not fun yet getting this message out there. That's worth it. Love you. Hey, thank you for listening to shit you don't want to talk about and being a part of the change from shit, you don't want to talk about to shit to talk about that being said, make sure to subscribe, like share on all of our social medias.
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What shit's been too hard to bring up? Is it too hard to bring up to your parents, to your partner, to a loved one to yourself? Let us know if you want to be a guest on this podcast, please go to shit to talk about.com and go to contact and you'll see the guest form down at the bottom. We hope to hear from you soon and thank you for joining shit you don't want to talk about.
