How to be an Effective Leader is Shit2TalkAbout S3 EP 11

“ Is to stay the course and keep going if you are in the the If you are in that mindset and in your heart, you know, this is where you need to be This is what you not need to do.”

— Delisa Abraham

Transcript

Jenn: Hello, hello, beautiful humans. Welcome to Shit You Don't Want to Talk About. I'm your host, Jen Jnad, and today we have DeLisa. And DeLisa, please introduce yourself and the shit you want to talk about today. 

Delisa: Well, thank you for having me on, Jen, and to everyone who's listening, hello to you too. Welcome. The shit I want to talk about today life.

Delisa: How do I lead my life, Jen? Let's talk about that. 

Jenn: For those who, uh, are listening and I don't, I, I don't upload these to YouTube anymore. I'm not sure if people actually watch them on YouTube when I did, but I'm cracking up over here because we were talking about before the, the stream, uh, or this, uh, recording of how, how do we talk about what we're talking about today?

Jenn: Because there's a lot of different places where leadership shows up. And yet I know for myself, I can get really stuck with like, where to even get started to lead my own life. As you said, how did you get to the point of like, wanting to talk about this and leading your own life like that? It seems very broad, but very specific at the same time.

Delisa: Well, yes, it can be kind of broad and specific and it is very specific at the same time, but it started off with the military, my time in the military. Uh, and. I was a leader and I taught leadership and I wasn't leadership and I needed to learn how to lead my life. Why? Because I love nice things and spending on nice things.

Delisa: Um, and I also was looking into the future. And so it was like, okay, I'm doing a great job here, but personally, what is it that I wanted? And how can I make it happen? Because my relationships were a mess, like personal relationship with another person. Um, I was just thinking, how was I, you know, when I exit out the military, what was I going to do as well as trying to figure out, Hey, what's going on in this life?

Delisa: All the, you turn on the news, all the bad things. Um, and we try to, you know, well, don't look at the news. Don't do that. And you do, but then when you're living in this life and you want to live a full, complete, Life. You got to know what it is you want. You have to know how to lead yourself. And that really started me on that journey.

Delisa: Uh, it started with the military and outside. So it's a discontinuous journey. process. And that's why I want to talk about that today, Jen. 

Jenn: You mentioned like, uh, the differences between, um, like in the military and then with relationships and, uh, beforehand, we've even talked about like, uh, parent, parenting.

Jenn: What are their different types of leaderships? And if so, like, how do they each show up? differently? 

Delisa: That's a, that's a big question. There's different types of leadership. Uh, you could be a servant leader, you could be a transformational leader, um, you could be an authoritarian style. So everyone has their own style and we all, like we're all leaders in our own right.

Delisa: It's just dependent on how much we can develop it. Some develop it to a higher degree, some don't, some just are naturally born that way, but they have this particular style. And, um, When I, when I look at my life and what I want to do, I see myself as both transformational and as a servant leader, because I love to serve.

Delisa: What I do as a leadership coach is serve as helping others and helping teams and building up that communication because communication is peace. And I found not only in my other training and academics and studies, it was like, Oh, if I can't communicate good with myself, how the heck am I going to communicate good with anyone else?

Delisa: And so that was the beginning beginning piece of me recognizing that I needed Good communication skills. And now that I train others, um, and support, I see how communication helps. 

Jenn: Can you go a bit into, uh, what those type of leadership styles are? I, Googled it really quick. And, uh, the Googles say that a leader is the person who leads or commands a group organization or part, uh, country or to, um, the principal player of a music group.

Jenn: And, um, it looks like this next one is, uh, from, uh, Better up dot com, which is how do you define a leader? In general, the role of a leader is to coach, guide and inspire others. They motivate teams through challenging times and guide individuals through their career progressions. A leader manages individuals to keep teams aligned and working towards shared goals.

Jenn: They foster collaboration, collaborative culture and lead by example. And I'm like, so what's the difference between leader and influence? So if you could break down that, and then also the go into more detail of what those different types of leadership styles are, that would be helpful. 

Delisa: Oh my goodness.

Delisa: Well, all that you said, of course you went on Google and you Googled it. They're all correct. And, you know, there is, but I want people to understand, yes, it said, if someone that's leading a company or organization or the principal in the, um, in a music and stuff, you may not be in a leadership position.

Delisa: You may not be managing a time. That doesn't mean that you're not leading. Because there are many of us, if we look at our work, there are those who on a team, not necessarily the supervisor or the manager, but when they speak, um, people listen, and they follow, and they're the ones that, you know, they're like that heartbeat.

Delisa: And so with leadership, exactly what you mentioned, it is true, but I don't want people to feel that, um, you have to be in a particular, you don't, you have to have a particular title that that makes you a leader because I know many people who are in positions of authority and, uh, giving this responsibility and they have zero leadership, um, skills or qualities.

Delisa: They don't know how to do that. So. And I'm sure you've come across them, Jenn. Yes or no? Yeah. 

Jenn: Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've, I've also met, met many people that if I were to give my own definition of a leader of like what I've cultivated for myself throughout my own research in this, uh, courses, I've taken those types of things, a, Leader can be someone who can lead by taking command and also can be someone who can lead by supporting others.

Jenn: It really, for myself, I see it as somebody that can be given feedback and take others opinions and can also make decisions and rise up to a challenge if no one is making a decision, for example, or trying to, uh, have a group of individuals work together. Like how we talked about that collaboration that doesn't have to be at a company or a, like, I, I think about in my own friend groups, when there's like, one person that plans everything.

Jenn: I'm like, dude, you are like the leader of our group of like planning stuff. And I'm like, so grateful for them because that is not my forte whatsoever. Yet if we're, we're on an outing together, um, there will be a different person. That's like, okay. Let's, they'll call and be like, we're going to go to this location for dinner because they know what everybody else wants to eat, like their own dietary restrictions.

Jenn: They care about the individuals on multi layers to, to ensure people are included. And for myself, that's what a leader is. And that can show up and oftentimes shows up more than somebody with a title. 

Delisa: Exactly. 100%. So, you know, I'm really glad that you shared, uh, that as well, because I wanted people to understand and know it's not just someone with the title means that they're a leader.

Delisa: What's the difference between leadership and influencing exactly? You mentioned it and you touched on that. Um. A leader does also influence. They're aware of their team. They're aware of what's. Um, and when they're making these decisions, which they have to do, people are also watching them. They're watching them, how they are, how they act, how they're presenting things, their values that they hold there because they want to emanate that.

Delisa: And I, I know right now we use the word influencing or influencer. Um, it's very loose. But, um, We look back into and we go deeper into it and we say, Oh, you know, I, like, I admire this person, what they're doing, this leader and it, you know, it's, that's their, that's when we start getting into that refining of it.

Jenn: I like that. And, and I can relate to that one a lot. I am, I'm curious then, um, and these questions are really just stacking up, uh, to get follow each other. And I'm liking it because I do need to go back to the different types of leaders, but then also, uh, maybe I'll ask this for other question first. What is the difference between a leader and a manager or a boss or, um, People that have a title, like do all people with those titles have, are they leaders?

Delisa: No, just because you have a title doesn't mean that you're a leader at all. Um, and if, so the difference between a leader and a manager, a leader cares about the people. It's about the community. It's about the culture. Everyone is working together towards the same goal, towards the same vision. A manager.

Delisa: That does not have leadership skills or leadership qualities and or is not working on becoming a leader. They're just there to really manage the people to ensure. Are you doing the work? Is this work? Good. They're essentially. They're micromanaging. Are we making our bottom line and our quota? Now, yes, a leader is aware of that.

Delisa: And they're, they are paying attention to that. But because that's cultivated is creative and have the same focus because everyone is moving towards the same goal. And yes, I did use the word focus with creativity and innovation. Um, Everyone will start giving the people on the team will want to give their best, do their best and to support the ultimate goal and vision versus in with a manager, we are people, people are fickle, and we rely on our feelings a lot.

Delisa: And so if I don't like you, and I don't see that you are creating a culture for me to thrive. Why would I want to follow you if I stay in that position is because I'm just here for the paycheck And what happens is that we see a lot of people that are in these positions that do not have the training And then their team are just there for the paycheck doing whatever it is that they need to do But then we start seeing, obviously there's that decline, not only the culture and the community starts to climb climbing, but then the business, that particular area section, the revenue starts also declining because customers don't want to come in.

Delisa: Clients doesn't want to come in to a place that's. You know that that doesn't have that feel or that community think of it as um when you're going into your favorite Uh, I don't know you're joining your favorite group. I don't know you're you're uh, Dance class or something or or or fitness class like you're excited to go in there.

Delisa: You're excited for the For the fitness person, the fitness lead to, to teach the spin class because man, it pumps you up. Now you are already mentally ready, prepared spiritually as well. And like, you're physical, you're like, I know this class is going to be hard, but body, we're going to get through this, right?

Delisa: Because you're, you're just so aligned with, with the head of, of that class with that team person. Versus if you go into a different Fitness class, for example, and the person is just like, okay guys, let's just do the reps. And you're not feeling like you're not, you're not energized. You don't feel that community.

Delisa: You don't feel like you're not clicking or vibing or aligning with that person. You're not going to give your best. You're not going to be mentally prepared. Instead, what are you going to be thinking? I got to go to this class. I got to, I got to do this. I got to do that. Right. And so that's one of the main reasons, uh, or differences between.

Delisa: A leader and a manager or someone that's managing, but they don't have leadership skills or qualities, and they haven't developed it because leaders do manage as well, but it's how you do it right 

Jenn: that that makes a. Made me think about how if I go into a fast food chain that there are times where the order's messed up.

Jenn: Like, that is inevitable. It will happen eventually. Like, you know, it's like, it's gonna happen. Um, and there's, you can. Something that I've come to appreciate is the associate that may be taking the order or giving you your food may not have, by title, control of the situation, meaning that if the food is wrong or something like that and it can show up as being, um, you know, not caring or anything like that.

Jenn: Like it, you know, it's a messed up order. That's what you get. There's nothing that's going to be done. And then it always wows me when there's an associate that is like, they're the cashier, they're not in charge of the food or anything like that. And they are like, Oh, Hey, um, like when I tell them, like, let's say that my fries were cold because I love French fries.

Jenn: Um, that they're like, Oh, Let me see what I can do about it. Let me see who, if they can remake it or even just saying, let me see what I can do about it. Even if, even if it's a no, even if they're like, yeah, no, there are lines too long. You know, it took ownership of the situation and shared that compassion and empathy of, Hey, I get what you're going through.

Jenn: To me, that is signs of a leader, even in a situation where their title isn't as a manager. 

Delisa: A hundred percent. Yes. One hundred percent. 

Jenn: How do we see that within others and see that within ourselves? Because in, if I use the fast food, uh, example again, is many people are almost made to submit to whatever the manager wants them to do.

Jenn: And is told that they can't make these type of decisions, or they don't have their own, um, free will to be able to even see and have that opportunity to own a situation. How do we identify that for ourselves and how do we help others through that? 

Delisa: Well, you said one of the key things, right? Empathy.

Delisa: You're empathizing with another. You need to have empathy with yourself. If we look at it from this point, well, I want to be a leader. I want to be a manager. Then there's that whole big title, that whole big, it's broad, it's huge, it's a lot. But when we start looking at the qualities and we start adopting, oh, one quality at a time, another quality, you start developing that.

Delisa: This is how it grows. And this is how you start seeing leadership start taking place in the trenches. without having a title and or sometimes they do have a title, but then they start working on their leadership and they start adopting the qualities. They start understanding the laws. And so you were talking about empathy.

Delisa: You were talking about, um, even if they can't They can't make a decision. They would just say, let me see what I can do for you. But then they go in the back and they say, oh, you know, the fries was cold. Let's make a new set. They can have a suggestion. They're not demanding anything. They know where they have to go.

Delisa: They know who they need to ask for Who they need to say, okay, let's get some french fries. The customer wasn't happy for example And then they start taking those actions now you as the customer if I as the customer I feel heard I feel seen I feel appreciated And then I want to come back again because I had this excellent service because someone took the time to empathize.

Delisa: Someone took the time to make me feel seen. Someone took the time to say, okay, The goal is she wants hot french fries. Well, I'm aligning myself with her goal. Now, this seems very simple. Um, when we're when we've broken it down to this and we're talking about it in a fast food way, but it still applies in every and all situations, right?

Delisa: Because this is what leaders do. You listen effectively. And you align yourself, right? With what is the ultimate vision? What is the goal? What do we need to accomplish? Okay. Good customer service. Part of good customer service is making sure that the quality of the food goes out. Now, I'm not the one that took the order, but I'm not going to put the blame I'm going to take accountability.

Delisa: Why? Because we're a team. Okay. Thank you. I'll get that to you. Let me see what I can do. Or I will switch that out for you. And now ultimately the client is happy. The customer is happy and everything just moves on more smoothly. And not only would the person who is. Utilizing or developing their leadership skills feel good about themselves because the situation didn't escalate.

Delisa: The customer was happy. Now other people around them start seeing them, they start seeing how they are. We could use this in our own lives. I give a good example right now. Um, when I was working at a coffee shop many, many, many decades ago, um, When I first started, I had that attitude, like I don't belong here.

Delisa: I shouldn't be working in this coffee shop within the first month. I had an attitude adjustment not because I was horrible at the job I was, but I changed my mindset and be like, Hey, you're here for however long. Enjoy the moment, learn something, figure it out. Like, you know, what is the ultimate goal? And that's what I did.

Delisa: And the minute I made that shift and the minute I made that commitment, all of a sudden, the team members that I was working with, they started to work alongside with me, the clients overall. We're happier now. I was just there serving coffee at the time in the beginning. I wasn't had any goals to be a manager because that wasn't part of my purpose.

Delisa: I was there for a particular reason, but I made the best of it and I developed my skill and the skill that I developed while I was there was my communication to help me. And when I started developing that and, you know, utilizing it every day. Now others recognize and they were being supportive with me and to me.

Jenn: And Thank you for that. That, that brought up a, uh, another question, uh, along the lines of like, what are leadership qualities? Because when so far, uh, what you said in that, in your example of the coffee shop is like the communication and you took accountability for what you could and couldn't do. I've also heard listening, aligning yourself with the goals, compassion.

Jenn: What would you say are like the main top five or top 10 qualities of a leader.

Delisa: The main top five. Well, let's see if we can come up with five.

Delisa: Hey, you could have said three. All right. The first one, listening, you gotta listen. If you're, if you're not listening, you can't, you don't know what's going on. Right. The second piece, um, no, the vision, you have to have a vision. Uh, if there's no vision. Then you can't go anywhere. You're stagnant. You're stuck.

Delisa: There's no navigation system. The third one I would say also is mindset. Now this is in no particular order. All right. Your mindset, you need to have a particular mindset. The fourth piece is your belief. And that aligns with also your vision that aligns with your listening, right? Because now when you're believing in something, you have a disbelief.

Delisa: It's unwavering. You're holding on to this. It gives you that level of courage, that perseverance. It helps you to like go through like, I believe this is what I'm meant to do. This is what I'm here to do. So I'll say your belief is also good. And then the next piece, Oh, the fifth one, I mean, there's so many others.

Delisa: What would I say as a quality? Keep learning. Keep learning is, is also another piece. Now, that was in no particular order. Okay, so I said listening, having a vision, um, mindset, what else did I say, your belief, and then to keep learning, because you got to keep learning. There is more. But I would say those five is a really good start.

Jenn: I like it. I like it. And, and I, I ask that because I do want to go back to what are the different types of leadership styles? Because we, we, we're talking about how we've seen, seen this in the wild. Uh, you know, in day to day life when, like, these are things that we have seen, We've talked about it from, like, your experience of working as a barista, and then we talked about, like, the fast food experience of what somebody may do with the french fries.

Jenn: What are leadership styles? 

Delisa: So there's the, uh, there's a few. I think there's now, there's about eight that they say that there is. But one for sure is the authoritarian style, which we all kind of know, um, and nobody really likes because That's the hard and fast do as I say not as I do. Yeah, we've all experienced that Have you I i've raised my hand i've experienced it.

Delisa: Have you experienced it dan? Um, Then there's the also the transformational leadership style You have that level of like impact style of leadership servant leadership, right? Um, so those are Those are a few that I would name that most people wouldn't know. And the difference is with authoritarian style, it's more so do as I say.

Delisa: This is how it is. They're giving you a directive and that's how it's going to be done. Servant leadership is because you're here to serve. You care about the community. You care about the people. Um, that's that type of leadership. It's becoming more popular. Now, nowadays, right, because it's all about that community building, and I am definitely here for it as well.

Delisa: There's that transformational leadership, and with transformational leadership, it's all about that level of evolution, of evolving. And I know I'm giving very brief, short, uh, explanations of it just due to time, but I just want to give you guys a sense. Like a taste of that. Is that okay, Jen, that I did that?

Delisa: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Jenn: I'm, I'm looking it up as we talk to you and, and some of the ones that the, the, the Googles I was, yeah. Um, is There's so many different versions. And yes, I, I found one from earlier this month. We're recording in April of six common leadership styles. And I'm like, some of them it's interesting.

Jenn: Um, how. the way you're explaining it makes more sense than what I'm seeing on like half of these things. And I'm like, at the same time, they're, they're very similar, but it's like how like, uh, coercive leadership styles, which entails demanding and immediate compliance. But then there's authoritative, which is about mobilizing people towards vision.

Jenn: Pace setting, which involves expecting excellence in self direction. Uh, fillative, which centers around building emotional bonds, democratic, which involves creating consensus and coaching, which focus on developing people for the future. And I'm like, these all kind of, some of them seem to like overlap.

Jenn: And also just the way this one is from harvest business review, um, where I got this one, but it's like, Sometimes when I feel like people talk about leadership, it's not in a consumable way. Like it's a bunch of words that don't, aren't used very often and very businessy. And that's why I really liked the way you're explaining it.

Jenn: Cause I'm like, Oh, that's starting to make a lot more sense. So I, I like the, the brief reviews that are, uh, brief explanations of them. I appreciate it. 

Delisa: You're welcome. And to touch on, I know you mentioned cohesive, when people look at that and they think about it, when we hear a particular word, when someone is coercing you to do something, right, that is a bit of manipulation.

Delisa: I mean, we all, we're humans, right? But when you start going deeper and you start understanding the meaning of the word and the style, then you start really looking at, okay, what is cohesive? What was that built on? Right? Uh, and then the democratic, the democratic overlaps a bit with the servant leadership, right?

Delisa: Because it's about the community. Now, when it comes to leadership, it's great to have the democratic, um, style, but what I want people to understand is just because you start in one style doesn't mean you're stuck in that one style. You may have a dominant Style that is your go to that you're comfortable with.

Delisa: However, as you're navigating and going through life You will start implementing various styles because remember we're ever evolving

Jenn: Exactly. And, and I will say this next question is, is definitely setting up to a follow up question on it. Yet, I think it's going to be something that is helpful to touch on because you mentioned that with, you were in the military, uh, being like, uh, and then also like civilian life, being a manager somewhere or leading a team, and then you also have parenting.

Jenn: How, what are, what differences do you see in each of those leadership, like, situations? 

Delisa: Yeah, great question. Very great question. So, uh, if you're, Like military leadership, a lot of them are managers, depending, depending on the training that they're getting, as well as the position that they're in. So of course, if you're like a general, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a really good leader, right?

Delisa: Because most of them comes in and then they started off at the junior level and then they work their way out. Some people like when they come in, they're fast track because maybe their fathers and their grandfathers has been in until they know, okay. We're going to put you on this course. We're going to send you on this tour.

Delisa: We're going to send you here. Why? So you could kind of build your resume, so to speak. So then ultimately you can get to this particular level. This is similar to, to civilian life, but in the military, let's say you are a master corporal or master seaman, for example, or you are a warrant or sergeant major, but whatever rank like you're there and you're going up to the ranks.

Delisa: Um, um, Initially, when you first start off, you're just managing, you don't necessarily know much about leadership, even though you are on, they put you on a leadership course, they're putting you on a leadership course, because you must remember you're being trained to work with a team in high risk situations.

Delisa: That is just a fact. At the end of the day, everybody wants to come home and enjoy their family. So with the military, the mindset and the shift, it's, it has to have that very, um, uh, authoritative style of leadership. It's very directive. Uh, and yes, there is room to, you know, hear thoughts and stuff, but really it's, this is the mission.

Delisa: This is what we have to do. It's very cut and dry. And as I mentioned, remember there is some room, but there isn't much room because at the end of the day, everybody wants to go home, right? And then in civilian life, it's more relaxed a bit. There's a lot, people are coming in with a lot of stress and tensions from home, from there.

Delisa: Uh, maybe they're not where they want to be, perhaps the, and if they don't have a mentor or a coach, for example, and, but they're like, okay, I want to be a manager. I want to supervise. I want to be a VP, whatever it is. If they don't have a coach, they don't get the training and they don't know how to communicate with people.

Delisa: Military, everyone's going towards one particular goal and vision. The minute you step in, you already know, this is the lead, this is who I'm going to be following, that's the chain of command, that's it. Civilian, there is a chain of command, however, there is that flexibility because there is different styles.

Delisa: It's all about, how am I feeling with you? What's the culture like? What are the people like? Um, Thank you. And how, how are, how can you support your team so that they can grow, they can develop, they can give 100%. And that kind of style will be more, it's a bit of servant transformational, um, leadership style, and then it's to help them grow.

Delisa: And I know I'm being very brief with it. So I hope you guys are all following along. And then for parental leadership, yeah. When you're home, it's like, okay, listen, I'm tired. I don't got the energy. I don't have the time. We got kids doing what they want sometimes. Um, I would say to that one is like more collaborative, collaborative style of leadership in the home.

Delisa: Not because your children don't respect you. Yes, your children can respect you in collaborative style, but when everyone, uh, is working together. When parents are working together, children are working together, everyone's working together, and they're having that communication, now you start developing this more collaborative community.

Delisa: Now you're building a space where it's not about, oh, I'm the leader, which, You are, you and your spouse, you guys are together, or unless you're a single parent, it's you, uh, but the child, your children, even as they grow into teenager, because you have built this community of trust, you built a home of creativity, you built a home that is, um, communicative and there's no judgment in there.

Delisa: Now you start collaborating with your children. Now it's saying, okay. This is the path that I want to go. And then you start seeing yourself, okay, let me mentor you because remember, we are our first, our children's first mentors, our children's first teachers, our children's first coaches. And we start guiding through them, that process.

Delisa: Did I answer your question properly? I hope so. Tell me, tell me Jenn. 

Jenn: Yes, yes, yes. You definitely did. But, and I'm like, I keep writing down more and more questions, but we're running out of time that I'm like, oh my goodness. Okay. 

Jenn: From what I heard is a, like, first off, a big takeaway for me was leadership styles needed can change based on the situation. And. That, I think, is a big thing to remember for all of us, is the situation may not always call for the same type of leadership style. And yes, there is way more that I want to go through down that rabbit hole, and I'm like, oh, I'm having to reel myself back off.

Jenn: Something that we talked about offline a bit and I think people could really use more about is, um, how do we have goals, culture, and like, a vision. Those are all to me, like, I hear them and I'm like, oh, corporate y life. We have to align with them. Like, the business figured it out. Like, how do we have that for our own life or our families or our communities or our friend group or, you know, when it's not related to work?

Jenn: Like, how do we have that for ourselves? 

Delisa: Oh my goodness. This is my, you're, you're in my jam now. I love it. You're in my playground. Um, how we do this is really take that moment. We gotta, and I, I'm sharing this because this is what I did with my own life. I'll give an example. So then you get, maybe it might.

Delisa: With the clarity of what I'm saying, but before I had my daughter, I stopped and I thought to myself, who are you to her? like, you know, who are you and What's happening here? So I took a bit of the military And a bit of my time working because I had a child later on in life in my late 30s So my mindset was very different.

Delisa: My approach was a bit different But to anyone in the home, really take a minute, even if your children are, uh, teenagers, preteen, even younger, take that time to figure out, where are we going? What type of home do I want here? And then you start asking the questions. You ask them. What home like what do you how do you want to feel when you come in this home?

Delisa: How do you like how do you feel now? How can we change? How can we evolve? What can we do? I mean, of course, you're gonna tailor the Conversation to how you speak not how I'm speaking and then right then and there because you have asked a question You will start getting a response Now, I suggest you don't get upset with the response you get, because it may not be the best response, or the response you're looking for.

Delisa: But still, ask that question. Figure out what to do. You, the, uh, the culture that you want, the, the home that you guys want, and then from there, then you take it even further, and everyone, every year, so I do this with my daughter too, every year, they have the resolutions and stuff like that. I'm not a big, like, resolutions person, but we go through the year.

Delisa: Hey, Faith, what do you want to do? In this year, what do you want to see? I say to do the same thing and we sit down and together individually. I'll write my piece. She writes her piece and then um Like okay. I like this and in three months Hey, what do we think we're going to accomplish and we do that check in and what that does is build a community together With a family where you're growing together.

Delisa: So everyone has their individual dreams and goals, but united You're working together to which the ultimate goal is the type of home that you want to have. What is that space? that's a foundation and That really supports your child or your children's growth That is a huge piece. Now, as it supports your children's growth, that means they're going to trust you.

Delisa: They're going to want to talk. And with that, now, you can be at peace. So when you are leaving the home or wherever, I know there's lots of things happening outside all the time. You're like, okay, I'm at peace. I told my son, my son, my daughter knows that I love them, that I'm here for them, that I'm supporting them.

Delisa: So think of it like that. Do all that you can do every day to ensure that when you put your head down to rest, you're not holding onto any guilt or feelings because you did your best. And you have the home that you need to have, that you want to have, that you're building together with your family.

Delisa: Thoughts, 

Delisa: Jen?

Jenn: You, you, you brought up a great point that I was, I was holding on to this question and then you brought it up at the very end of, uh, how to do this with letting go of, uh, The, the guilt or of the, I, I see in my own life and with many others that I've talked to when they start to set goals or, you know, wanting to work on building a life for themselves and being a leader within their own life of.

Jenn: Not knowing the, what's actually possible. So like, yes, there's like the, I would say individuals that don't, that, that can't imagine the possibility of being able to dream. And I have been there where somebody asked me, they're like, well, what do you want to do in like five years? And I was like, dude, I can't even get past tomorrow.

Jenn: Like that is, that is, that is one mindset. And, and. Something that we could talk about for hours. I feel like, um, there's also where people write down their goals and they write down their, you know, what they want to do in the next three months. And then, um, There, it can, it may not always be realistic and, or life happens because life, life's and cause barriers.

Jenn: And I feel like a lot of people give up due to the guilt or the shame or not being able to obtain those things. Do you have suggestions for individuals to navigate through that? 

Delisa: Yes, of course I do. Um, because I've been there. And I understand completely, and one of the things I want everyone to think about and to look at and to understand is that you are doing your best where you are right now in this moment.

Delisa: When it comes to, uh, I will address it on an individual and for your family as well. When it comes to your goals. or your dreams and your vision. If you don't know what you want to do in five years, it's okay. Start where you are right now. Now, if you do know where you want to go and your children, you have a teenager that's saying, I don't know what I want to do.

Delisa: I'm not sure. And in your mind, you're thinking they need to go to college, for example, or they need to get a job. This is when start taking a moment and start thinking, okay, if my child does not know where what they want to be. And you could apply this to yourself too. Uh, like as an individual, because I, I did that myself.

Delisa: If my child doesn't know where they want to be, I'm going to start finding out and asking the questions. So you ask the questions. That is one of the best ways to, like, be able to release those doubts and the fears that start creeping in. Ask the questions. What do I want? You could write it down, or you could answer, I don't know.

Delisa: Walk around the house, talk to your plants, your birds, you know, look at yourself in the mirror. Uh, well, what am I good at? Maybe you're in that space where you're saying, I'm not good at anything. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, what do I like to do? I like to walk. Perhaps. Let's just say that, like, one of the answers could be like, I like to walk.

Delisa: And then you're like, alright, that's great. So I like to walk. Let me start there. Because when you start there, with that little thing, then with the walking, remember, now you're starting to move your body. You're outside in nature. You're breathing in and out. You're starting to pay attention to more people, right?

Delisa: Because now you're, you're going to be observing and listening because you're walking by yourself. And then the clarity will come. And eventually, the other questions will say, Oh, I like to. I don't know. I like to build engines, for example, right? Maybe you can become a mechanic or an engineer. Well, if that's what you want to do, do I, do I have the qualifications or not?

Delisa: And how can I get that? So you're going to take it very, very slow and easy. And when you start giving yourself Grace and recognizing that you are doing the best that you can right now in this moment. And then you figure out, okay, what it is that I like to do. You may not have the answers for three years, five years, 20 years.

Delisa: That's okay. Start with today. What do I like today? What do I want today? And when you do that, then all of a sudden, and you start applying it, then the clarity, the fog starts to clear, the curtain opens up, and then all of a sudden you start seeing the sunlight coming through, and, you know, you get to see the green pastures.

Delisa: I've said this very briefly, and there's more to it than what I stated, and there's ever deeper to go, I understand that. But this is just a very basic, um, starting point. It's a really good starting point that we can all start at. either for ourselves as individuals and or within our families. And that is one amazing way to start releasing the burdens, to start releasing the, um, those stress and anxiety.

Delisa: Now in saying that, if you need, further support, i. e. a therapist, perhaps medication, perhaps, you know, if you need that support, take that support, get that support, so then you can start moving forward as well. So I want to, I want to ensure that, There isn't a cut and dry, but that there is a starting point, and let's just start there and take it one day at a time.

Delisa: And then eventually you will take it one week at a time. And before you know it, you will start going things three months at a time. And the next thing you know, it's a year at a time. You know what you want, you know where your goals are. And before you know it, you're already five, ten years into the future.

Delisa: Okay? 

Jenn:  Thank you for explaining that because it's, it's something that. I feel like you explained it for both so beautifully because it's also for those of us who, who don't know where to start on our own goals or be able to visualize what we want to do. And, I do want to share and I love the fact that you talk about therapy or medication or there's also there's situations we need to get ourselves out of unhealthy relationships, um, dangerous situations, unhealthy workplaces that, you know, This is something that even for myself, I still, when I mentioned, um, that I wasn't able to, uh, envision my future, it was actually about 10 years ago.

Jenn: I was at a workshop, um, uh, a five-day workshop for, uh, social good and leadership and impact there. And at the very end of it, they're like, okay, what do you want to do in your life? And I'm like,

Jenn: I don't know. You mean it's going to get better. It's good. What is this? And at that time I didn't know that I was bipolar type two. That was a huge blocker for me. Um, that I have depression and anxiety and I'm ADHD and not knowing that I was bipolar type two on top of that. My medications I took didn't work for me.

Jenn: I'm not saying medication is for everyone and this is a per person, you know, you're on your own journey. I will say for myself, being able to figure that all out gave me the space to start going, what do I like to do? I like video games, but that's because I like puzzles. 

Delisa: Yeah. 

Jenn: Where else do I like puzzles?

Jenn: I like being in service, customer service, and in leadership-type roles, because I like solving problems. And it was those that kept building on top of each other to be in living a life that I really love. And I still have those days where I have depression, I have anxiety. These are things that don't go away for me.

Jenn: I can at least look at them now and go, that's not the end of it anymore. That's just. momentary. So thank you so much for sharing about different ways people can dig deeper for themselves and start on this journey. Is there anything that we didn't talk about today that you wanted to talk about? 

Delisa: You know, I think what we talked about today was enough for, for the audience to be able to digest.

Delisa: So I'm good. Unless you have any other questions. 

Jenn: Yeah, I will say I have a full, like sheet of questions. So you might have to come back on the show at some point. Um, let's talk. But, uh, what is, what would you have as words of wisdom for yourself in the past or for others out there? 

Delisa: Well, I, um, the words of wisdom that I have for myself and for others, Is to stay the course and keep going if you are in the the If you are in that mindset and in your heart, you know, this is where you need to be This is what you do not need to do.

Delisa: This is part of you know, your journey on this planet Even in the rough times you will stay the course be persistent, and keep going If you have dreams and you're not sure, you know what, this isn't working for me, I'm feeling sad, I'm unhappy, I'm unfulfilled, I might be making tons of money, but you know, I might be in this great relationship, but then this is where you have to take those times as well and reflect and figure out what do I want?

Delisa: I'm not sure what I want, but take the time and start really Accepting the be grateful and being gratitude for what you do have. What is working? Start with the gratitude. I have to start with the gratitude myself. And I work on that every day because I want to, you know, what am I? I don't want to miss anything.

Delisa: I don't want to have something happen in life. And I'm thinking to myself, man, I could, I could have told Jen, thank you. You know, it could, it might seem very simple What I'm saying because it really is that simple. But um, at the same time, it is deeply profound.

Delisa: You know, uh, be, you know, be in that space of gratitude. Get in that space and start looking at what in your life are you grateful for. If all it is, is to be alive, great. That's a good place to start. If it is that you have a, a lovely pet, you love your pet. Or your parents, or whatever, you're grateful for your work, great!

Delisa: Start there, be in gratitude, and you'll start seeing that with each day the joy comes up, and you'll start becoming more fulfilled. And you do this if you're in the life that you want to be in now, and, or you're thinking to yourself, what, like, I don't know what I want to do. Let's start with the gratitude.

Delisa: And that's my advice to my old self, my present self, my future self, as well as to you all. 

Jenn: And, oh, wow. Timing, timing it always amazes me. I, uh, some Individuals, uh, that have been helping me with the show. We've been seeing that we really want to come out with a, um, almost a gratitude type journal where a, somebody can write down like their affirmations, get, uh, little words of encouragement.

Jenn: Like on every episode we've had, we have words of wisdom, like what you just talked about. But then we also talk about each of our gratitude. And I'm like, somebody was like, we should actually make a calendar out of that. And I was like, do them. That's a really cool idea. So, um, I'm interested to hear from all of you if you would like that idea.

Jenn: Um, and how do people reach out to you, Delisa? 

Delisa: You guys can follow along at Faith and Sparkles World and, or type in my name, Delisa Abraham. I'll pop up on Google and, um, then we go from there, but really follow along at Faith and Sparkles World. And when you follow along, you'll be getting insightful Wisdom, and impartation and support is not here to say you have to get this or that or anything else.

Delisa: I'm really here to share with you how valuable and purposeful and how needed you are to help the next generation and the generations to come. Because we are living in such a time and in a moment where our wisdom is needed, especially if you are older like me, um, or, or younger, you know, but if, if, if you have some years, if you're seasoned like myself, our wisdom is definitely needed.

Delisa: Uh, and it needs to be imparted because it cannot get lost. 

Jenn: Thank you. And, and, uh, last but not least, what is something that you're grateful for? 

Delisa: I'm actually very grateful for our conversation today. I was not sure what questions you were going to ask. Um, I didn't know where the conversation would go, but I really enjoyed the conversation that we had.

Delisa: And I saw how the conversation organically and naturally shifted, and how you and I both Became aligned in this conversation because it started off with, okay, what is this definition? What is that definition? What does it mean to, okay, let's share a part of who we are? And we started to connect even deeper.

Delisa: And I really like that. And I appreciated it because that is one of the things that I strive towards. When I am speaking with others to be able to share a part of me, I want to learn from the other. I want to, um, you know, impart that wisdom that I want to impart from them the wisdom that they're sharing, uh, with me, and then also, you know, to impart wisdom to them by either listening sometimes or having that conversation.

Delisa: So it was this conversation in a very long runabout way. 

Jenn: And thank you for that. I, I, I feel gratitude towards you, your putting words to a lot of what I felt and experienced of finding That communication and connection are two things I highly value. And knowing that it took time, like asking myself questions and digging deeper and keeping it, uh, doing it over like the last 10 years, for example.

Jenn: This wasn't things I was necessarily intentionally doing. These were things that people were suggesting or I was getting this knowledge from somewhere. So it's not something I was always able to put words into to suggest to other people to do. And I loved that You were like taking experiences that I've had and putting words to them.

Jenn: And I was like, Whoa, that's so good. And I, I am so grateful for that. And that this is a place to get the conversation started with ourselves. And that's where we have to go to be able to do, get through so many other parts of, of our lives is we have to start with ourselves. 

Delisa: That's right. A hundred percent.

Delisa: Thank you. 

Jenn: Thank you. And thank you so much for joining today. Bye. 

Delisa: Bye.