The Journey to Recovery is Shit2TalkAbout S3 EP 5
“I had three sponsors in one area. Those are people that I looked at and I said, he’s doing something right. Cause he’s happy. I want to be happy. He’s sober.
I want to be sober.”
Transcript
Jenn: Hello, hello, beautiful humans. Welcome to Shit You Don't Want to Talk About. I am your host Jen Junod and welcome. Today, we have Todd. Please introduce yourself and the shit you want to talk about today.
Todd: Hi, I'm Todd and, uh, The shit I want to talk about today is recovery. Yeah, and you know, different kinds of recovery. My recovery as far as, um, alcohol goes and anything else that, you know, we bring up.
Jenn: I like it. Well, that's the, the biggest thing that I will say about all of these episodes and is saying, I like it. I don't like a lot of these topics. It's not like I'd ever wish for people to go through these things. I like the fact that people are willing to talk about these difficult conversations
Jenn: Definitely something that you talk about the road to recovery, and I know in our right before we jumped on talking about how to summarize all of this, but also talking about where it started and where, how you got to where you are now, where did this start? Like where, how did you start your road of recovery and how did you know that there was a problem?
Todd: So the. The road to recovery has been a long and winding road of, um, I'll take a step back and, and when I was 11, I had my first alcoholic beverage. And, um, from there, the people that I was with, um, I just, it made me feel like I fit in, which is a big thing about alcoholism is you want to fit in. Um, Um, or in my case, anyways, I don't want to speak, you know, a blank, I don't want to, you know, give out a blanket statement, but, um, so, um, yeah, it started at a very early age.
Todd: It progressed to where I needed to have it. And then it progressed to a messy and kind of, uh, hazy, If you will, about 25 to 30 years of me just, uh, drinking to excess, drinking to not feel, and, uh, drinking to forget. So, um, in. August of 2013, uh, I went to my first AA meeting, I stood at the doorway in a church and I listened to these people talk and I said, man, these people are messed up.
Todd: I'm not like that. No, there's no way. And then I went home and I, I would remember things that I heard. And I'm like, Oh, wait, that is me, or that's something I've done, or that's something I've experienced. So in August of 2013, about a week after that, um, I started going to AA. I went to AA for three years.
Todd: Um, regularly had sponsors. I did the whole thing, went through the books and everything. Um, had some experiences in AA that weren't pleasurable or that weren't healthy to me as far as my recovery went. So I just, um, from there, I looked into other You know, forms of recovery. And now, um, I'll jump ahead to now where it's been 10 years.
Todd: It was 10 years in August. Um, August 9th of this year was 10 years. Um, and doing something right because I'm still sober. Um, and you know, I don't meet judges and attorneys and ambulance drivers and doctors and nurses and lawyers, attorneys and all that police, they don't, they're not, you know, looking at looking for me.
Todd: Um, and it's through other ways and AA has helped along the way. It's not everybody's cup of tea, but you know, not everything is, you know, that way from what I've seen and experienced.
Todd: So, um, along the road, a lot of work, a lot of self-reflection, and a lot of owning up to things and shit that I did that I'm not happy and I'm not, uh, proud of, but the lessons learned now, you know, I'm, I wasn't going to be 22 for the rest of my life, you know. Um, and now at 52, I'm like, I finally figured out the key to my peace of mind is to stay out of my head and to stay sober.
Jenn: There's so many questions going on in my head at once. Uh, okay. I would say first one, uh, could you go into more detail of like, how did What was that turning point that made you actually go to your first AA meeting? Like, was it just a, it dawned on you one day or there were events that led up to it? Like, I, I feel like that's one of the hardest things so many of us go through is identifying that there's something we want to change and then going from, yes, we want to change it to how do we even change it?
Todd: Yeah. So, um, I was in a relationship. I shouldn't have been with somebody who was also in recovery in a different area. Um, and the, there's a, there's a common saying from the area. And I think I've heard it elsewhere too, is two sickies. Don't wait, make a welly. And. It was just, it wasn't a good equation. So, um, I had worked in the restaurant industry for, for a lot of years, as well as doing what I do now, which is, you know, tech and stuff, those two combined.
Todd: I don't know how I did the tech with the job that I had as an executive head chef. And alcohol is available and the restaurant industry, it breeds alcoholism and, and other, you know, isms as well. Um, so I had just worked the tail end of a 16 hour day. I lived in a little house. It's going to sound like cronk's movie there, the cronk's new groove, but I lived on a little house on top of a hill and it was the perfect setting for me to drive up there and be left alone.
Todd: After a 16-hour shift and just drink myself, drink, drink the rest of the day away. Uh, I drank so much that I missed the next four days.
Jenn: Oh, wow.
Todd: Um, I had a liquor store conveniently a mile down the road from me. So it was just, there was work, then the liquor store, and then home. And every day, that same pattern.
Todd: Get out of work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hit the liquor store, go home. Um, a day or 2 would pass by 2, or 3 days would pass by. Um, it's okay. As long as I'm not hurting anybody was my motto. Um, and then, you know, that that 5 days that I missed, it was like, okay, that was a wake-up call because I woke I, I came to. And didn't know what day it was.
Todd: Uh, didn't have any idea that I had missed a couple of days, at least at work, and had messages from the owner, your messages from people, friends, family, and, uh, I was like, man, I think I, I think I need to go back. And I think I need to try this AA thing out. Um, and I did that for a while. It was a little. I think it was a little over a year and then I went back out.
Todd: Um, the next day it was just, it wasn't the same. Something had fundamentally changed where it just wasn't fun anymore. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't have a few at the bar and then, you know, have my shift drink. And as we had a bar with four bartenders, I'd get four shift drinks from four bartenders. Because I'm, you know, going bartender to bartender.
Todd: Have you had your shift drink yet? No, not me.
Jenn: To put a little bit of context for those listening and also, um, to make sure I have the understanding as well, working in. I've worked in the restaurant industry before a lot of my family has come from it. Um, it's also I've worked in casinos and I've worked as a cocktail server.
Jenn: I've worked as a bartender for a very short period because They tried to put me in a very hoity toity restaurant and I was like, I can't, I can't remember all the plate settings and napkins plus the drinks I'm trying to learn. It didn't work out. But there is something that so many of us who have public-facing jobs.
Jenn: that we don't always have a great outlet on how to handle getting beat up. And that's truly what happens when you're having a shitty day and someone, you know, is, is serving you and you take it out on them by not giving them a big enough tip by just being shitty because you don't like the way your food was, but it's the food you ordered.
Jenn: Um, like there's, there, there's There's a lot that goes into it, but then you also have to think about at least for servers And I don't know the back of the house as much as I do front of house but at least for like front of house meaning like servers back of house meaning like chefs and prepping for the food is Things change daily and it's always a rush if they're, you're, everything's basically always on fire to get it done ASAP because there's people waiting and if you don't get it done in enough time, people will yell and people can be really mean and say really, really mean things.
Jenn: And yes, it's, uh, and I, I'm curious on your opinion on this. It can be very exhilarating a living through that and having a day where you're like, I survived that because you were able to calm someone down. And you made everybody happy because it's like these endorphins of, Oh, like I didn't make it everybody happy.
Jenn: We're okay. I can solve everything. And then also, Dealing with the
Jenn: not letting the thoughts of what people have said And the stress and the pressure get to you and Do you think that's a good way of explaining it to like somebody that hasn't been in the restaurant industry?
Todd: Yeah. Yeah. I have. Yeah. That's, that's a great way to explain it. It's like, so I would equate that to, um, There were several times back of the house where I was, we had really, really good, you know, not perfect, but we had really, really good services.
Todd: So everything got out on time or, you know, nothing was done wrong or prepared wrong or made wrong. Uh, nobody had a complaint, uh, you know, that kind of a thing. And. When you have those days in back of house, you're like, you know, I didn't have to deal with, you know, a hundred, you know, tickets coming back with something being wrong or, you know, something that just didn't get noticed when out that shouldn't have.
Todd: So, um, yeah, that, there are, there are moments like that where you go home and you're, you know, you're, you're proud of yourself. Definitely. Definitely.
Jenn: And it's, it's something that, um, so yeah, restaurants and I don't, I don't want to get too granular, but, um, some restaurants are set up where they have like a cook in the back and the cook also has to do the dishes and has to do, um, the food prep. And then also that's before it's cooked and then after it's cooked, it's. Making it look pretty and all the garnishes, I don't know what that's called.
Todd: Well, you have, um, you know, you have your, your brigade that has your saucier and you know, your sous chef and all, all the, you know, the, the people that work the line. And then you, usually that is the case and you have a garnish station. So it's like, somebody will be working your garnish station to, to make sure that it's, you know, presented the way it should be when it goes out.
Jenn: And it is all literally so many different moving pieces and all of that can be a very well oiled machine.
Jenn: It can also be where it's easy for things to fall between the cracks. Such as like what you were talking about, having four different bartenders, uh, in a big restaurant, you, a lot of times you have a bartender and then you will have a, or multiple bar backs. And a way of explaining that from what I remember is they basically bring out anything that needs to be replaced so you can constantly serve.
Jenn: So if it's more hard liquor, more beer, one of the sodas are out, um, there's ice garnishes, all that. And so it's so many people to keep track of, especially if you have a busy bar that it is so easy especially if you build rapport with these people to, to let, to let yourself fall between the cracks, I guess you'd say.
Jenn: Um, and be like, ha ha, I got, I got away with it again. At least that's what I used to do. Um, so, uh, it's, it's not always, they add up. They are all very small things that can add up. And I'm, you mentioned about how, yes, it would happen at the restaurant, but like, how was it? With like your friends and family when you were going through all of this did Because you said your first drink was at 11 and it was 2013 when you was, it was August 2013 when you went to AA.
Jenn: Is that correct?
Todd: Yep. Yep.
Jenn: How was the in-between, uh, like did that affect your other relationships?
Todd: Oh, it affected a lot of relationships, whether it was, you know, romantic relationships or family or friends. It affected, it, it affected every relationship pretty much, whether, you know, an acquaintance, even, you know, acquaintances, you know, um, it was a lot of, you know, there was no communication from my end.
Todd: I was usually trying to recover. From a night out or a night home. Rarely did I go out when I went out, it was awful. Um, they don't places that you go to have fun and drink. In my experience, do not like it when you go over that line and you go past excess. And you make an absolute shithead and a fool out of yourself.
Todd: And in, in my case, you're over in the corner of a patio outside a restaurant drinking with people. And you're, you're throwing up in the corner, this guy and people are just horrified. It was just a few shots, you know, just a few social drinks and then, you know, for, for a guy like me, it turns into, you know, eight, nine, 10, I need a cab home.
Jenn: Something that I, I do want to mention and please correct me because I, I, this is definitely like reading between the lines and something I've seen in my own experiences was there's people that you, you just almost think, oh, they're okay. They can handle their liquor. And especially being in an industry that liquor is so easily, or alcohol in general, not just liquor, but, um, the alcohol is so easily accessible, it's a very enabling.
Jenn: Even if close friends or family don't mean to, it can be, they're enabling it without realizing the damage that they're doing. Like, Oh, I'm too tipsy. Can you finish my drink? Nobody wants to waste alcohol and just how much that can add to everything that you're talking about.
Todd: So for someone like me. Or, you know, here's a good example.
Todd: Um, I went out with family. Uh, there are like, you know, 6 to 8 of us and we went to this restaurant. Everybody ordered alcohol. This is, I think, in my 1st or 2nd year of being sober and, uh, we went out to a restaurant. Everybody got their beverage of choice. I stuck with, um, water. And as we get up to leave, because we've all finished our meal and everything, there's like half-empty glasses of alcohol.
Todd: I'm going, aren't you going to drink those? Oh no, I don't feel like it. How it boggled my mind how people could do that. How can you only drink half of that? And that's, that's telling, it's really, really telling because that's the mind of an alcoholic. So it's like, okay, I got to finish this and then move on to the next one.
Todd: Um, so it's the restaurant industry is tough And it takes its toll. And more often than not, you find that people are, you know, they're unwinding or they're trying to come off that high, it's kind of, I don't know. I don't know if coming off that high is the term that I want to use, but, you know, coming off that, that shift where you're just beaten down, worn out, you've had people complaining all night.
Jenn: Yeah. It's like the endorphins. Like, it's not necessarily a high, but you're, it's like going into fight or flight mode and you have all your like, cortisone is like really high and you're like, you have to like push through, like no matter what's going on in your personal life, you just have to push. You gotta keep going.
Jenn: And you're constantly moving. You're talking to people, you have to de-escalate, like you said, but then the end of the day comes and you're like, your body is still in this like fight or flight mode. Like it's like, It's stuck there
Todd: and
Jenn: I, I don't know what to call that other than like, not a good high.
Todd: Right. Well, it's kind of like, so for me, when there was a lot of stress and the service wasn't going well and you know, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I had the adrenaline pumping so much, so fast when I got home. If I didn't have anything on the ready, I'm going out of my head, you know, Oh man, it's, you know, 11 o'clock and I can't go to a liquor store because they closed. I can't in the area. One of the areas I used to live in, you can't buy booze after 10.
Jenn: Yeah.
Todd: So there's that. And then I'm just in my mind and that's a dangerous place to be. I, I equate my mind to the carnival. You know, once my mind starts going. And, you know, thinking and I'm thinking and I'm overthinking and all of, all of that, it's like a carnival.
Todd: There's just so much cognitive and sensory overload coming from everywhere, but I could be sitting in my house alone. But that was thinking about the next drink, where am I going to get that next drink? Usually I had stuff on hand. That's also telling as well, you know, there was something always in my house.
Todd: I could be sitting there watching TV, right? And I could say, all right, I'm going to try not to do it. I'm going to try my best not to drink tonight. And then I hear that booze sitting in the, in the, you know, in the cabinet going, Hey, over here, on, come get me. You just, you know, just once, just one, and then you ignore it.
Todd: And then, you know, five minutes later, Hey, over here, a little louder in my head, you know, Over here. Come on. Let's go. So yeah, it it's Always, you know, you want to unwind after that day you've had in The only way that I knew how is with that bottle or with that 12 pack 24 or 30 pack or whatever. It was that I was drinking
Jenn: and that's Thank you for talking about some of the experiences of You What life was like and how leading up to like making the decision to show up to AA and start to get help, how was the process of actually going through that?
Jenn: Like, I, I feel like so many people. Envision of, Oh, you're going to AA. Oh, you're good. That you're the hard work's over. You're done. You're good. You got this. You you're in, you got the support in the community. How, how would you talk about that and just your own internal battles during this time?
Todd: I would sit in a meeting in an AA meeting. And I would listen to these guys with 30, 40 years plus. And mind you, I'm in New England. So I'm listening to either, you know, somebody from somebody from Massachusetts talking about, you know, um, their experiences at every bar in Boston or, you know, it's something these, these rough, you know, Irishman.
Todd: that we're always talking about their drinking day. I even had one guy that would talk about this guy that he knew who was a, who was a real, you know, bad guy. And everybody used to, I used to hear, you know, the, the thing that was said the most was, Oh, that was Whitey Bulger, you know, guys like that. And I laughed, you know, I'm like, that guy didn't know him.
Todd: Now, what are you talking about? But, and I'd listen to these guys and they were these hard, crusty old guys that were just, whatever they were doing, it was working because they were sober. And you would see them night after night. I would see them night after night after night. Um, yeah. Tell them the same old story, but you know, sometimes somebody needs to hear that story again and again and again.
Todd: For me, there was a couple of instances where that was what I needed. I needed to hear a guy talk about Whitey Bulger night after night after without saying a name, of course, but, um, there's a lot of that. I was afraid to share probably the first few months. And then I went to one meeting in particular on a Friday night.
Todd: And the guy says, uh, one of the guys that, cause you have, you know, these groups have different jobs for people just, you know, so they could stay sober. It would help them stay sober. And I will attest to that because the guy says, Hey, you mind opening up, uh, next Friday night for me and just chucks me the keys to the church.
Todd: Now he must have seen something I didn't. I'm like, sure. You know, I, I want to be helpful. So move, you know, fast forward a week. Friday night comes, I'm opening up and then two years later, I'm still opening up that Friday night meeting, setting up, setting up chairs, setting up tables. There's a method to what
Todd: is done. In AA, do I agree with all of it? No. But that kept me sober for two years was opening up that meeting. And that kind of propelled me to, and that was after I had gone out. So, you know, I had my first year. I really wasn't into the work. To be honest, I was hanging out with somebody at these meetings.
Todd: I shouldn't have been and Her and I were in a relationship. I went out the relationship ended. I Went back to my sponsor at the time and I said, let's get to work I gotta I gotta get to you know, I got to do the work So we did the work and then you know, I'm opening that meeting. I'm doing the work. I'm staying sober
Todd: Okay. There's something to this. I'm starting to believe because I'm the type of person that I have a lot of deep-seated trust issues from childhood. And, um, More often than not.
Todd: I look at a situation and I kind of judge it within the first five seconds and say, I don't think, you know, this isn't going to do me any good. And I learned that through AA. Um, so there's, you know, the selfish side of the program, but there's also the side that it helps, you know if I can help somebody with what I'm talking about today, that helps me as well.
Todd: And we spoke about that. On our, our, our first call was, you know, it's a selfish program for selfish people.
Todd: If it benefits somebody hearing this, it's going to benefit me because I get to talk about it. And I, I have not been to a meeting in quite a while, actually, since I moved to where I'm at now in Phoenix. Um, I haven't been to a meeting out here. That's two years. Um,
Todd: do I, do I need to get to one? I should, I could probably use one. Yeah, and I'm at that stage now in life where I can admit that. Ask me six months in, I don't want to go to a meeting. Are you kidding me? If I didn't feel like going to a meeting, I didn't, I didn't go to a meeting. And that was usually when, you know, five minutes before the meeting starts, I'm in my car heading to that meeting.
Jenn: Something that you brought up, and I'm starting to write down all my questions, so hopefully, I remember all of them, um, was, you talked about how, like, And I feel like this is a societal taught thing in my head of like, you don't date somebody while you're going through recovery, no matter what recovery it is, um, because you have to work on yourself.
There's also the fact that you get. A, I have like a notion where people, so I'm not, I'm not sure where this comes from of that you're assigned a sponsor or like somebody is like, basically your parent, you may be paired up with someone. Um, and if that's the case, please correct me if like how that would experience was for you, but also what would you suggest to somebody if they're paired with somebody that's not helping them? Stay sober or not meshing well.
Todd: Right. So, you know, everybody has their own, um, their own way of,
Todd: I guess, implementing a sponsor. My, um, experience was that I would listen to people and I had three sponsors, uh, in one area, uh, And I had another sponsor elsewhere and I can talk about that later. But, um, the three that I had in the one area, those are people that I looked at and I said, he's doing something right.
Todd: Cause he's happy. I want to be happy. He's sober. I want to be sober. So, you know, it appears to, you know, he's doing the things that he needs to do, that a person needs to do to stay sober. I, I asked the people, um, those three people, um, if they would sponsor me and they all said yes, which was, you know, um, I'm, I'm grateful for, uh, and I didn't learn something, even though, uh, that, uh, I think the longest was two years.
Todd: I had one sponsor for two or three years. Um, and really did a lot of work. The other two didn't last very long. Um, dating, and this ties into it. Uh, they were dating people. Yeah, they had a lot of time under their belt, but they, you know, for, for whatever reason, um, we're dating people and that didn't turn out well for them.
Todd: Um, I, in retrospect would look back and say, nah, don't do that. Don't do it. Work, work on yourself. Um, definitely work on yourself first because you can't fix other people. Only they can fix, you know, I can't make somebody sober. They have to do it themselves. Nobody could make me, you know, stay sober. I had to do that myself.
Todd: So, um, and I still do. Um, So it kind of all ties in with my situation because then I was like, okay, you know, I'm seeing this. I want to have a relationship with somebody because at the time I didn't feel worthy of anybody. anything. I didn't, uh, I wanted to be loved. You know, I had been through relationships before.
Todd: Yeah, sure. I was even married once, but it just didn't work out for whatever reason. These relationships didn't work out as well. What's wrong with me? That was the big thing. What's wrong with Todd? That always stuck in my head. That's why I drank. So I didn't have to hear that question time and time again as I sat home every night.
Todd: What's wrong with Todd? Um, so, no, I wouldn't date if I had to do it all over again. The other sponsor, I had was, um, a family friend that I found out I was having a really rough time out of the blue calls me and says, he starts asking all the questions that a good sponsor would ask somebody. Um, are you happy?
Todd: Are you sober? How are you staying sober? Um, and some, you know, of the other questions and I'm like, yeah, I did. And for me, that area I lived in at the time when he called, I said that this isn't the area, this isn't, it's just, there's a lot of things going on here and I just, I need something more. And he said, well, you're my sponsee now and let's get to work.
Todd: And that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Best thing that could have ever happened to me. He's still my sponsor today, still. Um, talk to him, you know, not as often as I did when I lived in New, you know, in Maine. But we still keep in touch. Um, and matter of fact, last week, you know, how I get a text.
Todd: How are you doing? I'm doing good. Uh, let's hop on a call sometime. You know, let's talk on the phone sometime. Um, I got a message on my voicemail, you know, congratulations on 10 years. Do it again. You know, so those kinds, it's that kind of support, um, that I was looking for the entire time. Somebody that, um, could navigate through my bullshit, see through my bullshit and call me out on my bullshit.
Todd: Cause boy, didn't the biggest bullshitter I ever met was me. And I would do everything I could to lie and manipulate myself out of something I didn't want to do or take part of, um, so that helped.
Jenn: I feel like this is going to be a three-part process, uh, for our episodes because I can't believe it. It's already been 40 minutes.
Jenn: And I'm like, I have so many questions, but I think it's important for us that we did talk about life before recovery and what it took to get to recovery because that's identifying within ourselves that there's something we want to change can be one of the hardest steps to take.
Todd: Yo, the first step is the hardest.
Todd: Sure. Go ahead.
Jenn: Oh, I was just going to say, because I, I feel like. One thing that I want to ask, but I feel like it'll be a much bigger discussion and is how did you find purpose during and after this and unpacking that? Because at least I know there's been many, many times in my life that I've had those, those thoughts of that I'm not worthy and I'm never going to amount to anything.
Jenn: And, um, I've had my different vices throughout, um, time, um, and something that I think a lot of people could really use is just seeing more examples of how somebody can find purpose in life. Yet, I don't think we can do it in like 10 minutes.
Todd: Right.
Jenn: That's a bigger conversation. , right?
Todd: Yeah, yeah. Um, I will add that, you know, it took a lot and I dealt with a lot through before to get to recovery.
Todd: It took me coming to one morning, like I had explained after a bender five days later, and going, man, I need help. I had, those were the first things that I heard in my own head was I need help. It took walking into, and this was prior, it took into walking into an apartment that I had two roommates, um, with, and they were a couple.
Todd: Um, and they had committed suicide. Oh, fuck. And I found them. That
Todd: right there, when I look back, and I look back often, Todd could have done the right thing, but didn't. Todd, if you know, flight or fight, I picked flight. I grabbed whatever I could and I, I ran. Um, and there's a lot of, or there was a lot of remorse, guilt, and all those feelings of you did the wrong thing.
Todd: You should have done it this way. But, um, A lot of work went into
Todd: the understanding, the willingness to accept that there was nothing I could have done for them, whatever torment they were going through, I couldn't fix it. And I still, to this day, will wake up occasionally with that scene, you know, from a dead sleep. That scene is just, it's so vivid and it will be vivid until the day I die.
Todd: In my, in my head, um, it took a lot, seeing a lot of people, you know, that I knew or that I met in, in meetings pass away. Um, so
Todd: I heard a good, uh, a saying, you know, you're going to have to step over a lot of bodies in AA and they weren't wrong, they weren't wrong. Um, a lot of, you know, people that I knew. Who are having problems and, uh, the core group of people that I grew up with, you know, one by one passing away because of this, because of alcohol.
Todd: So they never got to recovery. And I think that right there is part of my purpose, just to touch on that a little bit is to not follow those footsteps that I have a lot more to give. Which has turned out to be a lot more than I could have ever imagined. Um,
Todd: I have a house, I have a partner who, who absolutely, absolutely loves me. I don't know why some days I'm like, why do you put up with me? Right. So
Jenn: I think that's anybody in a relationship,
Todd: right? And you know, I've, I've kind of made a name for myself in the, in the field that I'm in. Um, people. value my opinions.
Todd: People want to meet me at conferences that I go to and speak at. People want to hear me speak at conferences. I could have never had imagined that in 2013. or 2018 or, you know, 2008. Um, I always thought I would be in a restaurant grinding away and then I'd go home and one day just not wake up. I really was hoping for that for the longest time.
Todd: A lot of self-loathing, a lot of, I don't want to be here anymore. A lot of attempts to not be around anymore. Um, I have the tattoo of an arrow with the semicolon. The semicolon is, um, a symbol of, you know, the story isn't over yet. I had that tattooed on my, on my wrist for a reason. My story's not over yet.
Todd: Um, I have a great group of people, friends that I know, friends from online even, that are a support system for me. That helps in recovery, even though some of them, you know, most of them drink. I'm at the point where I can say, I'm going to be over here. Let me know if you need me. If not, I'm going to be over here.
Jenn: And that's something that for everyone watching or listening that we do plan on talking about in the future is like, just some of the things are how to, like, How to realize that you're in your head or, uh, and how to get out of it if you're in these situations, how to deal with peer pressure, being in an environment, if you know, it's hard to just break away from all your friends and family and those boundaries.
Jenn: Also just the shame that I feel I've, I've noticed, I felt like starting over or not being like If there were hiccups or if there were things that got in the way. And those are all things that I definitely want to ask you about later on. I do, um, have a question that I, this is a new one. This is the, uh, I'm just gonna, this is going to be a new one that I ask on every episode, which Todd has listened to the entire, like podcasts, all of the episodes, which I was like, Oh my God.
Jenn: That is really cool and exciting. Um, and, uh, but this is, this is a new one and I'm excited about it. Of what made you want to talk about it now?
Todd: I have to remember the kind of person I am, and I have to talk about it with somebody at some point. And this is a great platform, not only for, you know, to talk about it, but it's also a great platform to talk about it because.
Todd: Somebody could probably listen and say, Hey, I can relate to that or, you know, pick up something. Um, what also made me want to talk about it is there are, you know, there are people I know that they, I don't think they understand and they will never understand fully, but it just gives a little insight.
Todd: introspect into what I, what I, what I've done, where I'm at, and a little, and a chance to get to know me a little better, a little more intimately. Um, and the, you know, the hope that they know that I value each and every one of them for their support because it means the world to somebody like me. It's just
Todd: talking about it, um, gives me the rest of the day and it takes me through the rest of the day and I can get to that, the end of my day, and say, I got another 24 hours under my belt. It's on to the next 24 hours. Cause that's the way I have to take it is just, you know, it's a, it's a slogan, but it's one day at a time.
Todd: And sometimes I got to go five minutes, 30 seconds, you know, an hour or whatever. And then this is a good reminder for me. I had that fantastic conversation with Jen about recovery. If I'm feeling a little in my head, I can think back to this conversation. I can feel a lot better about it replaying in my head.
Todd: And then I can say, okay, I can, I can do this. I got this next, you know, eight hours of the day or whatever. And then I have that 24 hours again, under my belt.
Jenn: Thank you for that. And I'm glad you're here. I am too. It's, uh, uh, And for those, uh, listening, we, we actually met, I have another show and I'll go, uh, you can listen back to the first episode of season three, which talks a bit about my story of, uh, starting the season, but I have another show called teach gen tech, and we had a, a guest to talk about accessibility, which is something we'll talk about at some point on the show as well.
Jenn: And, uh, Todd was in the chat and, uh, That episode, um, with Graham was the a, the first time I ever cried on teach you on tech, that was fun. And also the first time I really went into this podcast, I kept them very, very separated, but they are very closely tied. And I appreciate you Todd for coming on and helping me bridge that gap.
Jenn: It's, it's a new world for me too. And also. sharing pieces of how you got to the point to start recovery, because I feel like so many of us get really stuck there. And also what are some words of wisdom that you would give yourself or give the listeners or
Todd: Two things that I used to tell myself all the time when I felt restless, irritable, discontent was If you're going through hell, keep going. That is a quote, uh, attributed to many different people. Um, I like it. It's stuck. The other one is also, you know, if you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. And a friend of mine used to say, how many, you know, how many knots in your rope? And I used to say, there's a lot of knots going all the way down my rope.
Todd: I, I held on, and for dear life. And I'm glad I did, you know, I'm here. So, you know, if you're going through hell, keep going. Um, if you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and give yourself some grace. And especially these days, you know, you know, as well as I do with the, you know, layoffs and everything in our, uh, industry that, uh, uh, people need to give themselves a lot of grace.
Todd: And talk to people because we need, I, I, I was talking about this the other day. We need, I think, to lean on each other more than ever these days as a community of whether it be, you know, chefs or, or tech people or whatever you do, we need to lean on each other and have a support system, a vast support system, um, to get through, you know, even a day really. Never mind a year.
Jenn: Yeah. And, and it's hard to, to get out of, even for myself to get out of my head and ask for help and also just that's so many of us. So I, I so appreciate the call out there. And before we wrap up with the final question. How do people reach out to you or find out more about you?
Todd: Well, I do have a Twitter account. It's not often used these days, but it's at Todd Libby T O D D L I B B Y. Um, you can find me there. Um, I'm on Mastodon and Blue Sky, but I don't use those on a regular basis. I'm on LinkedIn. You can find me on LinkedIn. I'm the Todd Libby with the little lobster next to his name because everybody, well, a lot of people know me as the lobster guy.
Todd: Um, it's my main roots, my main, if I don't pitch the lobster, then they pull my main card and I can't have that. So, um, uh, I like it. And then, you know, I'm willing to talk. I'm willing to chat with people. Um, and you know, if somebody's having, you know, a rough go of it. Let's talk. Let's, uh, see if we can't get you through a, you know, 24 hours.
Todd: Cause it's tough. It's really, really tough. Um, no matter what it is. It could be, could be alcohol, could be, you know, drugs, could be whatever. I, again, it's that selfish part of the whole deal where I, you know, if I help somebody, it helps me.
Jenn: I get that. I get that. And last but not least, what is something you're grateful for?
Todd: I am grateful to be sober today, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. Um, I wouldn't be. You know, I wouldn't have gone through the previous 3, 400 some odd days that I've been sober in a row. Um, not that, you know, time matters. It's just, I am grateful for that chance to go on another day and be sober. So I'm grateful to be sober today.
Jenn: Thank you for that. I feel like my gratitude for today is a bit shallow. Uh, my, it doesn't have as much depth. I'm grateful that I'm on holiday for the next two weeks. Taking a break away from work and working on My shows and spending time with my family for the holidays and looking back and I guess it does have some depth of it.
Jenn: I'm living the life I wanted to live. And I never thought that was possible.
Todd: I feel that.
Jenn: It's scary and it, it's scary. makes me want to cry thinking about it, but also how often I can get really stuck in my head and think it's the worst thing in the world. And I'm like, past me, couldn't even imagine that I could get this far.
Jenn: And I'm very grateful for that. So thank you. And yes, see you next episode. Bye.
