S2 E5 Shit2TalkAbout Healing in Parenting with Evie Vieira
Show Notes
Shit2TalkAbout: Healing in Parenting
Evie’s Shit2TalkAbout: I am a parent coach and positive discipline educator. So my passion is really to help families upcycle their dysfunction. So whatever we came into parenting with, I help them kind of shed all that shit and then learn new tools so they can transform their legacy, um, and not pass on dysfunction and, um, toxic behavior.
So rad, and so to recap, it's like getting rid of the inherited habits that we don't like about our parents or are not serving us now that so many are in parenthood themselves. Exactly, exactly. Like I think most people don't want to parent as their parents parented them, but they don't know how to do it differently.
So there's kind of this gap, this like no man's land of, okay, I don't wanna do that. And so sometimes parents swing to the other extreme and become super passive if their parents were really strict. And it doesn't solve the problem. It just creates difference. So I help parents navigate a really healthy, emotionally healthy, and stable connection with themselves and their kid's long term so they can build a foundation that is, um, healthy, emotionally healthy for future generations.
Gratitude: I am grateful for all of the people who came before me. To do this work that now I can build on what they've created and pass it on to more and more people out there. So, um, cause if there were, if there weren't people who were already doing this work for years and years, I wouldn't be where I am today because I've learned so much from the people I've read from, from mentors, from other trainers and coaches.
So I'm just very grateful. To for their journey and what they chose to do so that I can take it and take the next steps.
About Evie:
I became empowered when I focused on my own behavior instead of my child's behavior. When I realized my household was transforming by simply shifting how I responded rather than reacted to misbehavior, I felt on top of the world! I couldn’t believe how impactful my own mindset, communication style, and beliefs around parenting had negatively impacted my experience as a mom.
In essence, I chose to rebel against traditional parenting methods and instead created a revolutionary parenting model that brought organic connection, respect, trust, and peace into our home.
Today, I help parents and teachers embrace shame-free discipline to help children become resilient, confident and emotionally intelligent.
My specialties include:
Parents of strong-willed children seeking shame-free discipline tools. Blended families struggling to address misbehavior in their homes. Parents who want to break free from the shame-filled generational parenting patterns they grew up with. Educators and schools to help bring shame-free discipline into the classroom. Groups, organizations, and communities wanting to learn shame-free communication tools for staff and children.
Evie’s Words of Wisdom:
Empathy
Validation
Imagination
Encouragement
And it actually spells my name. I didn't mean for it to do that, but it, it just does. So it's e v I. and it's empathy, validation, imagination, and encouragement. So this is something, I mean, this is kind of at the core of everything that I teach, but until we show empathy to ourselves and to kids and put ourselves in our kids' shoes, like we're completely missing the boat and we won't be able to connect with them.
So empathy is so huge. It's the, it's. The starting point of creating connection. Um, and then the validation, that's, that's a huge part too, because so much of the time we just disregard a child's behavior or their, their feelings and think, oh, they're making way too bad. You know, they're making a big deal out of nothing.
They really want whatever the toy shark target, and they're just throwing a fit because they. Without realizing that child really wants that thing and there's nothing wrong with wanting. And so what you can do is just validate. You really want the toy shark, you're super excited about the toy shark. You wish you had that toy shark so you can like validate their experience.
And oftentimes kids just want to want to be seen and heard, and they'll be like, yeah, that's what I want. And then you can go into the imagination piece and that's where you kind of, um, tie in some playful parenting techniques and um, you know, ask them questions. Well, if you could have any shark in the world, how big would your shark be?
And would you wanna swim with your shark in the pool? Like, would it be nice and sweet? You know, and just kind of get into their imagination. And then encouragement, ending it with encouragement. It's a huge piece of positive discipline where we're encouraging from the inside out. Um, and it's different than praise.
Praise is all about, external encouragement is about internal. So encouraging kids to do better and to be better from the inside out, but not to do it to get the carrot to do it, because that's the kind of person they. Um, and so use encouragement, um, in a lot of positive ways to help them feel better because children will do better when they feel better.
And we work the same way. When we feel better, when we feel our best, we're usually doing pretty well. When we're discouraged, we're usually really grumpy. And it's the same thing with kids. So, um, that's just a simple four step formula that hopefully your, your listeners can take and use it with themselves and with their own kids.
Um, it's been a really powerful tool in my own life with my kids. I use it all the time.
Transcript
Transcript was AI generated, if there are mistakes, please let me know! Thank you in advance! Hello. Hello, beautiful human. Welcome to shit. You don't want to talk about. This is a podcast where we turn shit. You don't want to talk about into shit to talk about. As a reminder, all of the views of our guests are their own. They do not necessarily represent those of the host, Jen Janna or of the podcast shit you do not want to talk about. Please support us on Patreon or paypal, help share the show and if not, you know, keep showing up loving us.
It is all up to you. Stay tuned for a dope episode of expanding your mind yet always make sure that you keep track of what you need and if anything is triggering, take a step back, skip this episode. If you're curious if this is going to be triggering or not, feel free to check the episode description.
Jenn Junod
Much love. Hey, vi not Chevy, we're ev as I've tried to say it. Thank you for joining shit you don't want to talk about. And also telling me how to say your name properly that I think this might be the first one I'm properly saying since you said it's like Chevy, it stuck, it stuck. Please introduce yourself in the shit you want to talk about today?
Evie Vieira
Awesome. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here, Jen. Thank you so much for having me on. So yeah, so I am a parent coach and positive discipline educator. So my passion is really to help families upcycle their dysfunction. So whatever we came into parenting with, I help them kind of shed all that shit and then learn new tools so they can transform their legacy and not pass on dysfunction and toxic behaviors.
Jenn Junod
So, Brad and so to recap, it's like getting rid of our inherited habits that we don't like of our parents or are not serving us now that so many are in parenthood themselves.
Evie Vieira
Exactly. Exactly. Like I think most people don't want to parent, like their parents parented them, but they don't know how to do it differently. So there's kind of this gap, there's like no man's land. Ok? I don't wanna do that. And so sometimes parents swing to the other extreme and become super passive if their parents were really strict and it doesn't solve the problem, it just creates different ones.
So I help parents navigate a really healthy, emotionally healthy and stable connection with themselves and their kids long term. So they can build a foundation that is healthy, emotionally healthy for future generations.
Jenn Junod
That's really cool because I've heard AAA lot of people or that, you know, that they, that we have no idea, they say, but talk about how the pendulum swung after the generation after. with baby boomers that so many millennials are, they said that they're very, I'm a millennial. So we're entitled. And, you know, don't have a lot of discipline or those type of things and you can kind of see how it could be because the generation between baby boomer boomers and millennials went the
complete opposite side because they didn't want to be like their parents. And that is a very broad generalization. So it's definitely not all parents of millennials at all. But you can kind of see it on more of a widespread and how did you get into this? Because I feel like I wouldn't know even where to start on this entire topic.
Evie Vieira
Yeah. So my journey has, is kind, I never would have expected that I would be here. I'll say that right off the bat. So ever since I was about five years old, I knew I wanted to be a mom and that was kind of just a passion that I had. I didn't know what else I wanted to do in my life, but I knew motherhood was something that I felt very passionate about and I wanted to have kids and I always felt very connected with Children.
So I started babysitting at a young age. I eventually became a nanny, and that opened up a lot of doors for me to travel. I lived in New York City for a while. and I, I've traveled to different places working as a nanny and household manager. I also worked in preschools and just loved working with kids. So, in 2012 I met my, my husband, my current husband, and he was a single dad.
He had two little girls who were four and seven at the time. And I thought this is great. You know, I've, I've been a nanny for 13 years. Like I know kids, like I got this gig. This is, this is perfect and everything just kind of blew up in my face. It was my, my lifelong dream became a nightmare like where there was tons of back talk, tons of yelling, just a lot of defiance in our house and a lot of rebellion from the girls.
And I was mis I was like, I, my self esteem was so low. I felt just like I couldn't do anything right. No matter what, I tried with them to change their behavior or to teach them discipline or to teach them respect everything backfired and blew up my face. And, I mean, things got so bad. I was like, is this even worth it? Like is this really what I want long term?
And, and so I, I decided, you know what I'm gonna, I'm gonna figure this out and I started reading parenting books and going to workshops and learning as much as I could about why Children misbehave what's behind the behavior. And once I started learning that it's not what we've all been taught that completely transformed my mindset. And then I was able to connect with them differently and then incorporate some better communication skills other than yelling and threatening
and bribing, which is what I was raised with. and everything transformed. And I was like, this is, this is amazing. Like II I know how to get my kids to co-operate now without feeling guilty or when they would act out. I didn't, I wasn't, you know, filled with shame, feeling like I'm a horrible parent. Like I was able to take my ego out of it and it completely transformed our home.
And so then I went and got certified to become a parent coach because I was, I'm so passionate about helping other parents have this transformation within themselves and with their kids. And then I got my positive discipline, excuse me, certification. So I actually teach in preschools and daycares as well and train the staff as well as work with the parents in teaching them shame free discipline basically, which most of us don't know what that is of discipline or punishment.
It's, it's just filled with shame. And that shame gets passed on from generation to generation. And so I'm here to stop that as much as I can make an impact in families lives and be like, no, there are really bad things that shame perpetuates a lot of horrible coping mechanisms in adulthood. So, if we can get rid of it in childhood, then, you know, our, all of our kids will grow up differently and they maybe won't have the coping
mechanisms or won't have the addictive type of behaviors or be it drawn to toxic people. So it's a really powerful, it's powerful work that, that I'm doing and I absolutely love it.
Jenn Junod, Evie Vieira
So yay for finding work that you love.
Jenn Junod
And there are quite a few questions that came up for me and a lot of it had to do with you, talked about wanting to be a mom from such a young age and you know, your progression into nanny, I guess I'm gonna call it nanny. I don't know if that's a word. And I'm curious and this is just I feel like this would be a huge disconnect for myself.
Is were you told that you're gonna be a great mom all the time, especially taking care of so many kids and then having to blow up in your face like when you became a stepmom, like I feel like did that happen? Because in my mind I'm like, what do you do with that?
Evie Vieira
Oh Yeah, for sure. I think people just expected that it would come naturally to me and a lot of it did, like I, I would plan, you know, fun activities. We'd go to the pumpkin patch, we would do all of those things. But when it came to discipline, especially discipline, or any kind of, you know, holding kids accountable or anything like that, I was looking through this very toxic dysfunctional lens of reading their behavior and I had it all wrong and most of us do.
Most of us have this very, you know, just not a very dysfunctional way of, of viewing a child's behavior and it's all bunk. Like there are so many parenting myths. I help parents bust like there's just a bunch of lies we've been told about Children. And so that's one of the, you know, most powerful things I help parents understand is misbehavior, you know, happens for a reason and it's not because the kid is bad or they're super defiant or anything like that, they're actually trying
to meet healthy needs in the only way they know how and a lot of the time that is acting out. So I help parents meet the need instead of focusing on the behavior and oftentimes the behavior just disappears. Hm.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. And you mentioned about shame, free discipline and, many people don't know what the difference is and what that looks like. Could you give us a few examples of what shameful discipline looks like and shame free discipline.
Jenn Junod, Evie Vieira
Look like yes.
Evie Vieira
So I am a huge fan of Berne Brown. I am assuming you are too just because of your work and everything. I love Bene and she talks, you know, all of her work and things that she's done with vulnerability and shame and all of that. And she, she says if you put shame in a Petri dish, you need two things to make it grow, it means secrecy and judgment. And the only way to get rid of shame is through empathy and curiosity.
And so what I do at the core is I help parents approach themselves and their kids with empathy and curiosity. And most parents don't know how to do that because we think what we're seeing is the truth. We think we're looking at facts. So I'll give you an example. let's say so I had, I had, you know, one day I was walking with my kiddos to the park, our neighborhood park.
and my four year old was holding my hand, we were walking on the sidewalk and we came to, you know, the part where you cross the street and he didn't wanna hold my hand anymore. And I had my my other kiddo and I was pulling him in the wagon and, and I really wanted us to be safe, right? So I'm like, ok, you have to hold my hand, you have to hold my hand and he refused because he felt like he was a baby if he was gonna hold my hand across the street.
And so what I did and instead of forcing him to hold my hand is I switched it all around and I just got really playful and I was like, actually, you know what, I'm scared to cross the street by myself. Do you think you could be a big brave boy and hold my hand because I'm the scared one. So I kind of like switched everything around and put him in the driver's seat, you know, made him feel like he's this, you know, proud capable kid.
And I put myself in the other position. And so that is just a very simple way of what you're able to do when you get out of your own way instead of fighting to be right, which most parents do, they just fight with their kid because they're right and the kid's wrong and any time you're in a dynamic with anybody, doesn't matter if it's the parent child, boss, whatever.
And there's a right and a wrong, there's shame in that relationship because in order for somebody to win, somebody has to lose and the kid always loses. And so if you're not fighting to win anything, if you're actually looking towards a solution with your kid, that's where, that's where they actually start to learn the skills, you're trying to teach them.
So it's a very different approach. And so what I ended up doing, yeah, I was just doing that with him and then Mateo, he's my, you know, he was four at the time. He's like, oh yeah. Sure, ma I, I, your hand, I'll, I'll keep you safe and it made him feel really capable and confident. So it's just a very simple little switch, but it's very effective because at the core of it all we all want to be seen, heard and understood.
And so much of the time when a kid is acting out, melting down, throwing a fit, using back talk, it's because they don't have that need met. And so I help parents step outside of themselves and then when they're triggered, especially when they're triggered to just pause and ask themselves. This is another Bernie Brown thing. What's the story? I'm telling myself about my child's behavior.
And through that story, you can start to understand the lens that you are making assumptions, you're making a judgment, you're making labels about who they are and then you're interacting with them through that lens. So I help parents get rid of all that crap and see their kid for who they are instead of what they do.
Jenn Junod
So it's a very different approach and, and I feel like I'm comprehending it in theory and I'm like, dude, that's ra and yet the last week I was helping my sister with my niece and nephew who are two and five at the moment. And, yeah, I don't know how you would, like, compute all of that and, like, what to do when you have a screaming two year old that only says mama and no idea what you want from him and then a five year old that just keeps crashing, things like trucks and stuff like that.
I don't even know how she does it, let alone all parents do it because I, until I had nieces and nephews, I wouldn't go around a kid with 10 ft pole because I thought I would break them somehow. I never had that, like, strive. Yeah, I never had that, like, need to, like, want to be a mother or anything like that. So, the first time I ever met a kid was, my sister in law was like, hey, here's my daughter hang out with her and just handed her to me and I'm like, and my breaker and she's like, you
won't, you'll, you'll, you'll be fine, you'll be fine. And that was like, you know, maybe four years ago. so it's been a, it's hard to comprehend how parents do what they do. So, in the situation with my sister, how would you talk someone through seeing that it's a lens or seeing that? I mean, that's a lot of commotion as well and when kids constantly do it, I feel, how do you break that down for them?
Evie Vieira
Yeah. No, that's so toddlerhood is an intense, intense time. For kids and for parents. So my heart goes out to your sister. Few things. And I, you know, I really think outside the box when it comes to parenting and all things, parenting, take care of yourself first. So my first advice to anybody in those shoes of, you know, having two little ones and my, my boys are 21 months apart.
So I had two kids in diapers, similar situation. and so it was extremely stressful if one of them wasn't crying, the other one was, you know, trying to hit the other. I mean, it was just like chaos all the time. Ear plugs are wonderful, especially with screaming kids. So wear ear plugs if you need to put headphones on, listen to classical music or listen to your favorite music from high school or something that like brings back positive memories and, you know, it's ok to when you're
in that mode, it's kind of survival mode when you're in that mode to really take down the expectations and just be like, we're gonna get through the day and my kids are gonna get fed. It's ok if it's mcdonald's, I don't have to, you know, make sure that they're eating a five course meal with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all the vegetables, throw that idea out the window too.
Like, as long as you're getting fed, it's ok. Macaroni and cheese five times a week. That's where you're at. Do it. You know. And so, I think the biggest thing is just breaking down those expectations because we have these ideas that we have to do it perfectly and we have to do it well all the time and that's a bunch of shit like that is crap that will keep us trapped in feeling like we're not good enough.
And so, you know, just breaking down all those expectations is a huge part of it. And I would just encourage anybody in that position. Take care of yourself, go pee by yourself. So many moms aren't able to do that because they think if their baby's crying, they're doing something wrong and they have to always hold their babies, they can never actually go pee.
It's like no, put your baby in the crib, put your baby somewhere safe. If they need to cry, they need to cry and that's ok. That's how they're expressing themselves, but it is crucial. It is good for them to know that you are a separate entity and that you need to take care of yourself and fill up your own bucket. So you know that you're not depleted trying to give from an empty bucket that doesn't help anybody.
So, so yeah, I'm trying to think of other things that and then just work in as much self care throughout the day as possible if like scrolling Facebook feeds your soul and you just need to do that, do that while the kids are playing or instead of doing dishes in the evening, take a bubble bath if you want and drink a glass of wine. and just decompress.
I had a, I had a client. She was a single mom. She had twin four year olds and what she did every single night when she was giving them a bath was, she put on one of those face masks and that was part of her self care routine and they thought it was hilarious because they're like, mommy looks like a monster and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. and then she'd wake up half an hour early before they got up in the morning and she would have her two cups of coffee and she'd read the news.
Those are the things that fed her soul. And so just look for things that feed you that fill up your bucket and be super strict and rigid about keeping those things as a priority. Don't lose yourself with your kids. That happens way too often.
Jenn Junod
I, I, and the biggest thing that comes to mind when you're talking about these is, the expectations but also parent shaming or mom shaming comes to mind in the fact of you're talking about different ways to parent and be a better parent yet. Starting one person starting it in their, let's say their mom group and other moms not approving of it when you're first starting to work with parents how do you
break down the shame of needing help and then also them dealing with starting to do things differently than maybe the groups that they're surrounded with, like their tribe.
Evie Vieira
Oh, yeah. That's a, that's a huge, that's a great question. That's a huge part of it because we have these kind of societal expectations for how we should raise Children. And so whether it's, you know, a church group, your own family members, any kind of mom's group or anything like that, there are these kind of ingrained ways of establishing boundaries with kids.
And when kids don't abide by those boundaries, you know, they're, they're punished, they lose screen time, they're grounded all of these things. So the problem with that process is that it doesn't teach the long term skills, we're trying to instill in the kids. So it's just not effective, long term. It teaches kids that we have the power, it teaches kids to become people pleasers, you know, it teaches all of these things that I don't think we're consciously wanting them to learn.
They're just learning, you know, they're kind of a product of their environment. And so, you, you do have to go against the grain. and you do have to parent consciously, I mean, you don't have to parent consciously if you want to change your family lineage and legacy, bringing, you know, your conscious awareness into what you're doing. And why is a huge first step.
And I mean, it's, I have, I have moms who are my clients and they will talk until they're blue in the face to their other friends about how their life has changed now that they've used different parenting tools. And I think the other moms feel like if they meet with a parent coach or something or anybody like that means that they're doing a bad job and there is shame around it and I'm here to say no, that's a bunch of shit that there's no shame in it.
You know, it's kind of one of those things that's where else in the world or other anything that we do in this life, like we go to school for years to learn new skills, we get degrees to get certain jobs and to have a career and then in parenting you just go and do it with no training about, you know, your child's development with no background in, in healthy communication, nothing. And so there's this huge gap and then we tend to shame people who are seeking the help to change. So there's
this very backwards way of looking at parenting and I wish, I wish there was a university or something that parents could go to. Maybe I'll create that someday to kind of, you know, kind of become a certified parent where they have all of the skills and they know what to do. So that when they are in those situations with their kids where they feel like pulling their hair out and yelling and do all those things. They have other tools to be able to implement those things.
Jenn Junod
Cool. And II, I like that as a reference, especially since so many parents have like those groups around them as their tribe. Now, would you mind if I throw a couple situations at you just to give our audience kind of a, a few ways to comprehend it as well. Absolutely. All right. First one comes to mind as, what we spoke about as being a people pleaser. So let's say, and this probably happened when I was with my sister and my niece and nephew. they won't shut up. So I just want to give them
what they want. So they're quiet. So here you go, just go. Just please take it and be quiet because I'm going bananas and I can logically understand that's not good because, you know, that's gonna teach them to expect everything from everyone and that's gonna teach Children that, they just need to throw a fit to get
something. Yet as a parent, I can only imagine that a lot of times that is just easier to try to get them to shush how would a parent starting at that point get started with you?
Evie Vieira
Yeah. So that's, that is an excellent question. That's a very common question. So, again, you know, kind of looking at like what's going on in the family's life because there are two realities. Excuse me, there's the survival mode reality. And then there is regular everyday life. Survival mode is when the family has gone through some huge transition during COVID, I would say most everyone was in survival mode.
So again, our expectations have to be lowered and you have to give yourself a lot of space and grace and your kids, a lot of space and grace to just be a hot mess and just own it and be like, yeah, we're a hot mess family right now. That's just where we're at. I'm only bathing my kids maybe once a week if they're lucky, like that's ok. You know, like that's totally ok.
And so when you're in that mode, no, I think it is. It is ok because if, if let's say a family, both parents are working two jobs. They are, you know, living paycheck to paycheck, they're both super stressed out. And it is better for the child to get the piece of candy or whatever it is that they're crying about than it is for the parent to yell or spank the child for throwing a fit.
You have to really weigh what's the better option right now? What's the lesser of two evils? Because if you're looking at it, from that perspective, giving the kid what the kid wants in that moment is the better option. And I don't know if there are any other parent coaches that would agree with me on that one. I am not. I, I'm a very, I'm a realist when it comes to this stuff because we have four kids.
We're a blended family. Shit happens. Life does not look like the Pinterest pages on ever. and I mean, yeah, I just, I like to encourage parents to really break the rules, like break the rules of what you grew up thinking a good parent was because it's a bunch of shit. It is a bunch of shit. And if you want to be a really good parent, become the best friends to yourself first, like be your biggest cheerleader and that will spill over into your relationship with your child and you'll be
teaching them how to treat themselves. And you know, a lot of the dysfunction that I help people unravel has to do with like our own, our own perceptions of ourselves and how we were raised. And when it comes to people pleasing, that's such a huge thing because so many of us, when we didn't do what our parents wanted us to do, we were punished or if we questioned them, heaven forbid you have a question.
And so it really perpetuates the cycle of, of people pleasing and then you're constantly seeking external validation. You know, what's the, what's the best school I can go to so I can get the best degree. So that I can go on and, and be this whatever amazing corporate blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, get into the best house. So people think I'm successful, I mean, it just perpetuates this really toxic way of living.
It's not healthy for any of us. And so I help kind of people break down and unlearn all of that shit so that they can start fresh from who they're really meant to be and create a sense of self from within so that they're not seeking that external validation and they're not teaching their Children to seek external validation either. So that's a huge part of it.
And then as far as like specific skills, like you mentioned, you know, what would you say to a family that's kind of in that mode? I would say so there are a few things, eye contact is absolutely huge. Something that I tell parents all the time. If your child is not looking at you, they are likely tuning you out. So kids usually hear through their eyes, not their ears. So eye contact any time you're communicating with your kid, get down on their level, look them in the eye and give them a
choice. Choices are huge because it gives Children a sense of control and some autonomy over their lives. And so oftentimes, we just bark orders at them and get frustrated that they're not listening. But if we turn it around and start engaging them differently, they will respond differently. So giving them choices and getting, getting eye contact. Those are two very simple things parents can do today and it will make a difference.
Jenn Junod
Very cool. And, and I feel like the, the next two scenarios more than likely lead to the same outcome yet, they're, they're still stuck in my head of the opposite of being the discipliners and not spending time with a child or touching the child. They're always in trouble, that kind of thing.
And the other one is the parent that just is the best friend and not a parent. from what I've seen that happens a lot more as Children get older, like seven or eight, especially in their teenage years yet. that also, how do you work with either one of those?
Evie Vieira
Yes. Ok.
Jenn Junod, Evie Vieira
So the first one is the parent who's kind of detached and very, disciplinary.
Evie Vieira
Like they, they are the disciplinarian but they're not like emotionally there you're talking about? Ok. Yeah. So that's, that's a great question. So, I don't know if it's a gender specific type thing, but I do hear this a lot from the dads that I work with where they'll, you know, I'll be teaching them these skills and they're like, well, I have no idea how to play with my kids because my dad never did that with me.
My dad was very stern. He went to and from work, he maybe showed up to my baseball game, but that was it. I've, you know, basically been seeking his validation and acceptance my whole life. You know. So there's that kind of, again, this is, you know, our society, if you think back to the past generations and what they had to go through with different wars and things like that, that was going on during those periods of time.
dads didn't, men didn't have the skills to know how to connect on an emotional level. And so that's a huge part of it is, is learning to bridge that gap and learning to build a healthier connection and relationship. So when I have somebody that I'm working with who maybe has a gap there, it takes, it takes time. But one of the beautiful things of this work is I help parents tap into their own inner child and rep parent themselves because most of us were not parent of the way that we should
have been parented where there was lots of support and encouragement in our childhood. And so, you can, you can actually go and, you know, through journaling exercises and just talking to the parts of yourself that might still be stuck in different traumas in your childhood. And just visit with those parts of yourself and ask like, what are the things you need from me as your, you know, as your parent now, as your loving parent now.
And so, that is, that can make a huge difference in meeting those needs as a child. And so that might mean that now, you know, a parent can go to the playground and swing with their kid to create that bond and be tapping into their own inner child that didn't have that experience with their own parent when they were young. And so you kind of, you can kind of use that to kind of heal yourself, re parent yourself and give to yourself in ways and then create again this new legacy and a new
connection with your kids now. Very cool. Yeah. So that's one thing I would say and then the other parents, which I, I have studied this so much because of my own experiences in life and things and my own childhood. But a parent who treats their kid like their BFF and it's just like, yeah, let's whatever, like I'm just gonna share everything with you and blah, blah, blah, blah that in and of itself is dysfunctional because there's no boundaries and the parent is often leaning on the
child for emotional support. And so what tends to happen, it's called parent application or adult education is that the rules get reversed and then that child grows up thinking and believing that they are validated and that they are accepted when they are caretaking for other people and when they deny their own needs. And so a lot of the parents that I work with now, grew up that way and now they're bringing that to their, their parenting and they don't know how to set boundaries
with their kids in a healthy way. because their parents never did it with them. And so, and there's this constant need to care, take and to disregard ourselves when we've been raised in a home like that. So there's just a lot, there's a lot to unpack with that one. For sure. But self awareness is huge and understanding what is dysfunction and what is healthy is also really big.
Jenn Junod
And where do we get started with that? Like, I'm listening to this podcast and I wanna find what's dysfunctional and what's healthy. How do we know which one's which and which actions or thoughts that we're gonna start categorizing?
Evie Vieira
Yeah. So, I have a document, I have a PDF that I will send to you and so you can put it up when this goes out. And it has kind of the breakdown of like this is what an emotionally healthy family. This is, these are the characteristics, this is how they interact with each other. And this is what dysfunction looks like or just ineffective skills. You know, I like to call it inherited parenting habits because a lot of us, you know, it's hard for us to say that we grew up in a dysfunctional home,
maybe our parents, you know, came home every night, there was no alcohol and things like that and yet there were still things that weren't healthy. So, so yeah, so I have that PDF. So I will share that with you and you can put that out there so that your listeners can print that out and look at that. And that is what my program is all about is helping people fill that gap so that they can transform their home from the inside out and transform their, their family legacy from the inside out.
Jenn Junod
And thank you for that, Abby. Now we've talked about a lot of things and thank you for going into the weeds a bit with these scenarios. I hope the beautiful humans listening are gonna connect more with that and we will have your PDF linked in the show notes. Is there anything you specifically wanted to go over that we haven't gone over yet?
Evie Vieira
So yeah, I have, I have a few, I mean, I have a few stories that I can share that might help this hit home for your listeners. So, I'll share, this is a personal story from my, from my own life. This was two weeks into COVID and I was like thinking at the time, oh my God, it's been two weeks. How in the world can I do it any longer? Only two weeks and, and here we are 2.5 years later.
So it's just so funny, like thinking about like where I was, where I was with my head then. but I felt two weeks into COVID. Like, I mean, I'm sure like so many people, my whole world had been flipped upside down. I was completely isolated. I had been thrown into caring for my Children 24 hours a day. Nothing was consistent. I didn't have any outside anything and I am a social butterfly.
I love to connect with people and I just felt so shut down and so I was just angry, like so angry. and I had, I had gone, I was like so kind of at the end of my rope with my kids, like they were just pushing my buttons. I was yelling at them. I knew it wasn't right. But I couldn't stop myself. I was just like, man, just barking orders at them and they weren't listening and everything just kept getting worse and worse and worse.
And it got to the point where my my well, he's now six mateo, my oldest he, I thought he had, he bit my other son on his back. I thought he had bit him. And so I yelled at him like, oh my gosh, I cannot believe you bit him and got like really riled up and they both looked at me stunned and I looked at my son's back and he goes back and there was no bite mark, and, but I, I was so enraged in that moment and I felt like such a horrible mom that I was acting out of that own judgment from like my insides and I
grab my son and I swatted his butt, my, my six year old and here I am like this whatever parent coach. Hm. You know, and like, I know all the things to do. I know, you know, that's not a healthy response but it didn't matter in that moment, I was completely triggered. I was in fight or flight mode and I felt like the biggest failure and the biggest fraud and I swatted my son on his butt.
Not hard, but I've never done that before. And he turned around and looked at me and he said, mama, why did you do that? Why did you hit me? He was so confused and it was like in that moment, I just had this like so much clarity come to mind and thank God, my husband was in the room when that happened and he's like, you need a break, go, go, get out of the house, go get a break.
And so I did and I, I just drove around, I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything, but I just drove around for a little bit and journaled and I realized during that whole process, that my, the word it spells mess. I'm really big on acronyms. So, I had a fixed mindset. So mindset is the m expectations. My expectations were through the roof and no matter what I did, I couldn't meet them.
So it keeps you, it keeps us in this perpetual feeling like a failure. Feeling like I'm not good enough because we're seeking perfection and not progress. And so my expectations so it's mess and that the first s is self esteem, my self esteem was just rock bottom. I felt like shit about myself and then skills is the last one. Like I felt like I didn't have any skills, I didn't know what to do even though consciously, like in my conscious mind, like I knew what to do, but it didn't matter.
And so that experience really opened up my eyes to working with myself differently so that when I'm triggered like that I'm not reacting, I'm not in that reactive space so that I can actually take a step back and be like, oh shit, I'm not gonna go down this path. I know where this path goes and I'm gonna, you know, go a different direction. And so since that day, I have been able to thank God, you know, it just really opened my eyes to become so much more aware of what my triggers are.
And I just want to tell parents out there like if you've done that, don't beat yourself up, it's OK like it is OK, kids are resilient, don't beat yourself. Up but seek help, like seek out resources that can help give you tools so that you're not in this perpetual feeling or being feeling like a failure all the time. Because that is, that's a horrible place to be.
And I've been there and it sucks. So I wanna say that and then I also wanna tell kind of a silly kind of story about a this is so random, but it's a good metaphor for what I do. And so back in like the 18 seventies when like the whole gold rush thing was happening, there was this guy that was like, yes, I'm gonna get rich and he went, and he started digging on the side of this mountain and he found some gold or no, I'm sorry, he didn't find gold.
He started digging and he realized I need some equipment. I need something big to lift up these rocks and whatever. And so he got some townspeople together and his family together and they raised enough money to buy some big machinery to go in and dig up and find some gold. So they did that and they dug and they, they found some gold and then they dug some more and they moved around, they dug some more and they kept moving around and they couldn't find more and the amount that they had
found basically just would break even how much they had raised and all of that. for this machinery. And so this guy was just completely bummed. And so he sold this, machinery to this, junk man or something for very, very cheap. And he just kind of threw up, his hands, went back to his work and was like, ah, that's a waste of time. I'm done. Well, the junk man was very wise and he hired, I forget the exact kind of engineer, but he hired an engineer to come in and kind of scout out the land.
And the engineer said they're just 3 ft in from where that other guy stopped digging. There's gold there. So this junk man said, OK, we're gonna try it. They tried it. They struck gold and that junk man became a very wealthy man and made a bunch of money from that and he brought up a bunch of gold. And so I like telling that story as a metaphor for parents to let them know if you've been like digging and digging and you are at the end of your rope and feeling like nothing is working.
I am like the engineer that comes in and can show you where the gold is because it's there. You just have to know where to look for it. So I just love that. I love that story. You know, an analogy and it just, I hope it brings hope to people and I hope that they know that there is a different way to live with kids and it can transform your life. So, thank you.
Jenn Junod
I do like that story too. And do you have any words of wisdom for the beautiful humans? Listening?
Evie Vieira
That's a great question. As well. I know I keep saying that I love your questions. So let's see. I do. And it might sound kind of cheesy, but this was actually born out of a mcdonald's Playland when I was trying to get my kiddo to, to, to leave mcdonald's Playland and he wasn't cooperating with me. And it's a four step formula. It's something that I teach on a regular basis in schools and to parents and it actually spells my name.
I didn't mean for it to do that, but it, it just does. So it's Evie and it's empathy, validation, imagination and encouragement. So this is something I mean, this is kind of at the core of everything that I teach. But until we show empathy to ourselves and to kids and put ourselves in our kids shoes, like we're completely missing the boat and we won't be able to connect with them.
So, empathy is so huge. It's the, it's the, the starting point of creating connection. And then the validation, that's, that's a huge part too because so much of the time we just disregard a child's behavior or their, their feelings and think, oh, they're making way too. But, you know, they're making a big deal out of nothing. They really want whatever the show Toy Shark target and they're just throwing a fit because they want it without realizing that child really wants that
thing and there's nothing wrong with wanting. And so what you can do is just validate, you really want the toy shark. You're super excited about the toy shark. You wish you had that toy shark so you can like, validate their experience. And oftentimes kids just want want to be seen and heard and they'll be like, yeah, that's what I want. And then you can go into the imagination piece and that's where you kind of tie in some playful parenting techniques and you know, ask them questions.
Well, if you could have any shark in the world, how big would your shark be? And would you want to swim with your shark in the pool? Like, would it be nice and sweet, you know, and just kind of get into their imagination and then encouragement ending it with encouragement. It's a huge piece of positive discipline where we're encouraging from the inside out.
And it's different than praise. Praise is all about external encouragement is about internal. So encouraging kids to do better and to be better from the inside out, but not to do it, to get the carrot to do it because that's the kind of person they are. And so use encouragement in a lot of positive ways to help them feel better because Children will do better when they feel better. And we work the same way when we feel better.
When we feel our best. We're usually doing pretty well when we're discouraged, we're usually really grumpy and it's the same thing with kids. So, that's just a simple four step formula that hopefully your, your listeners can take and use it with themselves and with their own kids. it's been a really powerful tool in my own life with my kids. I use it all the time.
Jenn Junod
I, I love it. I absolutely love it. And I like that you, it ended up being named for short. So and it was empathy, validation, imagination and encouragement. Yes, ma'am. Awesome and beautiful humans real quick as a reminder, you can support the podcast by sharing this episode, making sure that it's going to someone that you really think can use it liking on all social media commenting, especially after you've used as a four step process.
Please tag both of us and let us know how it went and you can find shit you don't want to talk about on social media as shit to talk about. That's the number two, talk about and how do they reach out to you?
Evie Vieira
Well, I will give you my website. It is Creative Parenting solutions.com and I have a ton of free resources on there. I have lots of different things. I'll have videos and things on there that people can, can log into. And actually by the time this episode goes live, I might actually have my youtube channel up too. So I have a youtube channel and people can get free resources and all sorts of things there as well. So I'll make sure you have all that information.
Jenn Junod
Great. And of course, humans, it's gonna be linked in the show notes and last, but not least, ey, what is something that you're grateful for?
Evie Vieira
Oh, what am I grateful for? I am grateful for all of the people who came before me to do this work that now I can build on what they've created and pass it on to more and more people out there. So, because if there were, if there weren't people who were already doing this work for years and years, I wouldn't be where I am today because I've learned so much from the people I've
read from, from mentors, from other trainers and coaches. So I'm just very grateful to, for their journey and what they chose to do so that I can take it and take the next steps.
Jenn Junod
I dig it and mine is gonna build off a little bit of yours of I am grateful that we are all on our own individual journeys and something that I may be struggling with someone else has already crossed that bridge and can help me and vice versa as I've crossed bridges I can bring everybody else with me that needs the help and that is something that I find so beautiful about humankind.
Evie Vieira
Absolutely. I love that.
Jenn Junod
Yes. Awesome. Ay, thanks for being on the show.
Evie Vieira
Thank you so much, Sean. This was great. Bye bye.
