S1 E18 Shit2TalkAbout Stereotypes with ALONZO
Transcript was AI generated, if there are mistakes, please let me know! Thank you in advance! Jenn Junod
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Jenn Junod
Hey Alonzo. Thank you for joining. Shit. You don't want to talk about today. What shit do you want to talk about?
ALONZO
I want to talk about the freedom of not being put in a box.
Jenn Junod
Oh All right. What box are we talking about?
ALONZO
You know, actually all boxes. I had recently heard a comment that someone had seen, they kind of researched me and seen a video and the first response was he's so feminine. And this is my thing with that type of stuff. One you just never know a person's history, right? And so it's so interesting where people can make these assumptions about people because of how they are.
But when someone sees me as like this feminine being, it doesn't necessarily mean, I identify with a particular sexuality. I think you have to keep in mind how like Children are influenced. It's just like you wonder how a little baby growing up in the UK develops a British accent. It's because that's how he heard people talk or she, you know what I mean?
And so like, I was raised around all women moms and aunts and I was always with my grandmother, which is why I kind of got like an old lady soul. But I've, I've been around women my whole entire life. And so of course, you know, when you're around nurturing feminine energy, you kind of as, as you're growing with it, you kind of develop that type of side.
And so I think the big the thing with the box is, you know, a lot of people, I mean, this is always a popular question which is I, I almost think that it's really no one's business but people always wanna and not even just with me, but so many celebrities, like, what do you identify as? Are you gay? Are you this, are you that? And my response is usually, I don't really identify with the title.
And the reason why is because I, first of all, I feel like our parents generations and before felt like everything needed to be in a particular box. You are this sexuality, you are this religion, you are this political party, this is who you are this is the box you need to be in and this is how life must be. And I think that what's happening in this day and age like we see rappers wearing purses and, and pink and, and, and we see straight men wearing kilts and skirts and different things,
pushing gender boundaries and trying new things. And this is the the new age that we're coming up in where being put in a box is no longer required. And this is why I don't really identify with anything. I don't identify with one religion. When people ask me, am I gay bi or straight? My answer is really, I do what I want, you know. So, I don't wanna call it by because actually sometimes I don't like either of the sexes.
Jenn Junod
That's fair. I was gonna say sometimes I feel like sometimes people and may ask and I mean, I'm totally just guessing here, but like their curiosity is to see if they're in like your attraction, you know, like to see if they're, you know, even have a chance. And I, I wonder what the difference is, is of working on finding that out with that intention of, hey, you know, do I even have a chance or just trying to put someone in a box? Have you experienced that difference?
ALONZO
I mean, when someone's attracted to you, you can know, but I think it's just people are nosy. That's fair. It's like nobody wants to mind their business and it's not even just about sexuality but like the other box that I refuse to be put in is the musical box cause I'm a recording artist. And so that musical box says, are you pop? Oh You're black? So are you R and B oh jeez or are you wearing chains around your neck?
Are you a rapper? You know what I mean? And it's like if you listen to my album, I will go from rock to soul to pop in three songs or even in the same song. And so it's just like it's time to be free and it's time to just do what makes you happy and do whatever you wanna do. And whenever people ask me, what do I do, I always say I do what I want to do. Yeah.
Jenn Junod
I'm, I'm curious about that in the fact that I know growing up I so badly wanted to belong. Like, it didn't matter if it was the popular kids or the golf kids or, you know, theater or sports or literally, I became such a chameleon that I honestly had no idea who I was to, to, I just, all I wanted was to be a box. I guess you could say I just wanted to be a box and I, I find such strength in, in what you said of you're more than a box, you know, but for people that don't know who they are like I used to be
and just so badly want to feel like they belong. How did, have you always just had this like you're like fuck boxes. I'm not even gonna worry about them or was it something that you struggled with throughout your journey to finally get to this point?
ALONZO
I, I definitely struggled and I mean, I come from a history of anger and depression and so even hearing the a comment that says he's so feminine, something like that could trigger me in the past. And I would be like, so pissed off because it was like, I didn't want to be looked at as feminine or masculine. I just wanted to be me, you know, and I would, I'm telling you, I would literally, I've come so far because people see this, you know, positive guide and I'm telling you I use I would
snatch somebody up in a minute coming up and what it really was was that I was just so angry that I couldn't find my box. You know, I didn't, I didn't fit in and I think every child comes, at least when we start school, we start to go into that. I don't know if we, we come out that way, but when we start interacting with other human beings, because I honestly, I remember the my first moment of wanting to belong was lunchtime. and, and whether that been kindergarten or first grade, it was
wanting to, for my mom to pack me a lunch. You know, you, you either got the school's lunch or they packed lunch. Mom was working two jobs putting herself through college. She didn't have time to pack a lunch. So she just we got the school's lunch but when my friends show up with their cute lunch boxes and their sandwich and their gushers. Oh, I love gushers to this day. That's every month takes me back to school cause now I can have as many gushers as I want.
Jenn Junod
You should try gushers and nacho cheese sauce. What? It's like, it sounds disgusting. But when I was in like fifth grade, that was what I ate every day for lunch. It, that's all I would come up with nacho cheese sauce. Like the actual like like the, the stuff that's not healthy cheese, the premade cheese.
ALONZO
OK. I'm, I've tried it but yeah, it was, I, I would, I wanted gushers and I wanted a lunch box and so I think that we kinda like come into that when we start interacting with other human beings where we want things that we don't have. And then it carried on to me wanting of the I didn't want just some regular color backpack. I wanted Spiderman or I wanted, you know what I mean?
Or this cool kid had this one. And so you know, here we are fast forwarding into our adult lives and now we got social media constantly reminding us of what we are supposed to have or what at least we think we supposed to have. This is the type of person you should be dating. This is how relationships should be. This is the type of car you should be driving.
This is how you're supposed to look. This is a good selfie and this is a bad selfie and the list goes on, this is the kind of success that you should be at right now. And so as a result, it triggers the little child that just wanted to belong. And so to answer your question, I would say within the last, I've done a lot of work on myself over the last 3 to 4 years.
But it was really in this last the pandemic year when I had time to really sit with myself alone and, and get to this place where, and I honestly, I turned 30 this past March 30 hits different it and it was really when I got to that point where I was just like you, you want approval, people's permission for what? Yeah. You know, and, and so now it's about me just speaking out against those things but with love, you know, it's never with arrogance, but it is about just coming into the
conversation with compassion and, and just wanting to spread awareness. So like even when we start to talk about racism and that type of thing. It's I'm not one of those people that, that, that just come into it saying I'm black and you owe me all of these things.
But it is about me coming into the conversation with love and say, well, how do you feel and why do you feel this way? You know, and, and what has conditioned this type of outcome of thought? So yeah, fitting in is not a goal of mine anymore.
Jenn Junod
And that's, oh, that's something that hit me in so many different ways. And the fact that you mentioned that you just turned 30 I turned 30 in 2018. And I was on a train from Germany to Paris. I was there for three months for work in Europe and it hit me while I was on the train that when I was 15, I, I never thought I would live past another day, let alone to turning 30 let alone to being in Paris for my 30th. I was alone for my 30th, but I was still, I never thought I'd get there.
I became the person who I thought I was supposed to become in the fact that I hit, I know we're talking about different check boxes, but we're talking about boxes all in the same of when we're told we need to be this certain career or this like religion or this job or this relationship. I never felt so alone. And I know 100%. I had to go through that to go. Oh, I did absolutely everything I was supposed to, supposed to, to belong and
ALONZO
the field.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. Yeah.
ALONZO
And it's a common thing. It's really common that we, we always seek this to fill this, this void of, let me be what they thought I should be. Li actually, that's in the Black Boy Destiny song. And for context, people, there's this song that I just released called Black Boy Destiny. And that's actually how I met Jane. She came across. Yeah. And in the song, it says when I was born, I only had one Destiny.
I would die. I would go to jail when I was born. Nobody saw the best of me. I was just another black boy in hell. But I knew if I tried to achieve, I, if I tried to be more than they thought I would be, it's like I was just trying to be what they thought I would be. But if I tried to be more than what they thought I would be, I could break that curse. And I think that it relates across all races that so often we are really just trying to fulfill the subconscious pro subconsciously programmed
expectation of our parents that and then the things that influenced our parents and society. But this all comes from a world or a lifetime that I like to call it. That is just we're we're in a completely different lifetime. Like, when we think of our teenage years to now it feels like a different lifetime.
I can't even, I have to watch videos of myself to really even remember. Like, wow, I dressed like that. I look like that. I talked like that. Have you ever gone back to, like, 22,009 or as far back as you can go and read your Facebook statuses?
Jenn Junod
Yes. I, I, like, I get the updates and I'm just like, if I said that and, but there are times where I'm like, hi five Jen. Like that was awesome. We're gonna reshare that right now.
Jenn Junod, ALONZO
But it was like a completely different lifetime.
Jenn Junod
Yes. And, and, and to, to go in a bit more about how we met and Black boy Destiny of there you and I talked about this before we started recording and there's this podcast care so much about like racial bias and ending systemic racism, the LGBT Q plus community disability and men's mental health. And I follow the men's mental health. Hashtag and Black boy Destiny came up and y'all like, it'll be on the show notes, like his like link tree will be in the show notes.
But Alonzo's song, it was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking songs I have ever heard and the world needs to see it and know it. And I just as like, I was just so like shocked that Alonso and his team like said yes to being on the podcast. I was like, totally firing at the beginning of this call. But that, that song is just so powerful and I appreciate you sharing your beauty with the world because was that scary for you sharing that type of song?
ALONZO
Absolutely. And I was actually pushed in a direction to, to that, to do that song. This song was actually created because I was a part of move's rooted and rising collective Movember is the biggest men's health charity in the world. And they put together this collective called Rooted and Rising, which was basically 10 black men who were creators that were on an 11 week program to create content to inspire other black men to basically prioritize well-being and self care because
that type of thing is actually not, it's, it's not popular for men in general and it's really not a thing for black men or in the black community, self-care and meditation and all of these types of things. It's a very new priority of ours. And don't get me wrong. There have been trailblazers from history that have tried to move things forward.
But overall, black men have never really prioritized their self care. And so anyway, I became a part of this collective and, you know, I've always done this type of work wanting to spread a message wanting to inspire, wanting to make some type of difference. But I kinda always did it on my own. But becoming a part of this program, it was required of me to create this content that would do just that.
And it was, it was scared out of my mind because I wasn't just doing it on my own anymore. I was doing it on purpose. And I was doing it in partnership with the biggest men's health charity in the world. And I was on Zoom with these people every week and they're like telling me all of their expectations and, and the impact that we want to have and I was feeling the weight of, of the whole thing just like, wow, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna put this out and I have so many fears come up,
while writing and recording that song and, and I wanted to change the whole thing. I wanted to just not release it honestly because I was just scared thinking that black people were not gonna like it, it wasn't urban enough to reach them and, and it was just so many different things that came to my mind. But, I do believe in moving in the direction of our fears and that is why the song is out because whenever I do find myself afraid I walk right into it,
Jenn Junod
that is, oh, I have the warm fuzzies. I, I wrote an identity statement. that goes along with the podcast, just who I am and using fear to fuel my hustle is how I phrased it. And the fact that I think walking into fear is very scary and really powerful. Yet. How d just to, to dial it back a little bit, how has it been received?
Because dude, I'm a white girl, like, especially if you're, you were worried about it, you know, having that impact, especially among the black community. Did, did it have that impact or like is there how did you get over that fear of or use that fear to go to, as you said, allow it to be?
ALONZO
You know, I think that the first thing is that we have to be really conscious of the difference between fear and intuition and these two things are very similar but they are com they're really different from each other. And the, the, the thing is is that we often as people mistake one for the other. And so the example that I'll give is, you know, whenever you feel you know, when you just get that feeling in your stomach and you just, it's like, oh I felt it in my gut.
It's almost like anxiety in your stomach and you just like, oh my gut told me to do this, that's actually not intuition or really your gut. It's fear because fear comes through strong, it's loud, it's uncomfortable, it's not a good feeling. And intuition comes through quiet, it comes through calm, you know, that voice in our head that says now, you know, you need to do this.
He's never yelled at you before, which is why we often ignore it because it's so calm all the time. And so often we kind of ignore our intuition and, and, and it's that, that little, it's so funny how we always listen to that loud strong voice because we feel like, oh, I need to stop this feeling in my gut or whatever. But most of the time that feeling is coming from some type of trauma, some subconscious programming, it's always something.
And this is just my experience. I am no mental health expert or anything like that, no trained therapists or anything. But just in my experience, this is what I know to be true about fear and intuition. And so in this particular moment, I am feeling the fear of putting this song out and feeling this gut feeling. And so a lot of other artists and not even just artists, but people would feel that and say, wait, this means that I need to stop.
This means that I shouldn't do this because I'm having all of this coming up in me. But me knowing the difference between fear and intuition, I know that that means pause and, and let me make sure, let me confirm what is coming through. And if I hear that little s calm voice say, fuck what you feel right now, you gotta do it then that's when I move.
And so that's how, that's how this song came out. I kind of was able, I always pay attention to that. You know, it's what is my fear and what is my intuition saying? And most of the time, you know, you can hear it but everyone's different but I, I do think that a lot of people, you know, make decisions out of fear. It's something that we've always done.
I don't, and, and we come up with these excuses. I don't have enough of this. I'm not ready yet. I'm too this or too that, too old, too, blah, blah, blah. And that's how fear can kind of put a halt on things, but I could go on and on about this because it's something that I'm super passionate about.
Jenn Junod
But I, I get you, I get you, I would say, just something that really comes to mind and hearing your other episodes that you've had out before and other interviews of did performing from your first talent show to dance to singing. Did how did you find the balance between fear and intuition through all of that? Was it that, that taught you or was it life itself? Like how did you find it?
ALONZO
You know, I actually just learned about the difference between fear and intuition. I say over the last two years, that's why when I speak about like this work that I've been doing on myself for the last 3 to 4 years. I, I just kind of started learning all of this stuff. And actually this fear and intuition teaching comes from my mentor, Justin Michael Williams, who is a Trailblazer in the mindfulness community who happens to be a black man.
He wrote the very first meditation guide written for black people in the LGBT Q community. And so I learned that from him and I would say that throughout my life and this is why I, I believe that we can speak on these things because it's, it's because we've been through them. And throughout my life, I have always allowed fear to control me. You know, I literally hit the fact that I could even sing for years.
I, I didn't start pursuing music until 2013. I was on America's got talent. 2011, I was this very well known dancer, choreographer. Everyone knew me as a dancer the whole time I had this voice, but everyone knew me as a dancer and many people was like, you just need to keep dancing. You're the next Alvin Ailey de Debbie Allen, whatever they were calling me so many different names.
And I was like, that's great. But I can sing and long story short, I hid my voice for years. And then 2013, I went to China and stayed did those tours for about five years. I started pursuing music full time in 2013 of my first single, didn't come out in 2019. What does that tell you? That fear was definitely involved. How was I touring another country for five years? Hadn't released one song.
but I am big on learning from your mistakes and I'm a Pisces too. You know, we're known for being emotional. But now I, I try to cons I consider myself an evolved pisces which means that I feel my emotions deeply. I know that they're there, but I don't allow them to control me. I, I say I don't make permanent decisions with temporary emotions. And so yeah, that's the fear journey.
Jenn Junod
I, I like that. I like that. And for those of you listening, I know we didn't go to Alonso's background too much. And I think now's a good time to to review that a bit. If you were to summarize yourself in like two or three sentences of who you are and the way you want the world to see you. What would you say?
ALONZO
A small town boy with big dreams that overcame so many obstacles, the resilience who inspired the world.
Jenn Junod, ALONZO
Oh Yeah, I like that one.
Jenn Junod
I like that one and I for some more background, Alonzo it to before China and getting their first talent show. I'm recapping from memory is seventh grade and that's when you kind of like first started finding yourself in your own journey and then you went on to become a dancer and you did that until you just wrapped us up into becoming a singer, right? So you've always been in the limelight.
Jenn Junod, ALONZO
Basically, y always been in the arts.
ALONZO
since seventh grade. I, I had, I definitely had interests all my life. My grandfather was a musician, so I'd be like in his recording studio, really young. I would dance for the family. But my first performance in, in the public was that seventh grade. And then, yeah, I went all those years known as this dancer choreographer, which was great, but I always had this voice and it was actually on America's got talent when I was the the choreographer of this dance crew that I was there
with that. I realized that it was time to pursue music full time because I was on television, telling millions to follow their dreams. We gotta fight for our dreams, you gotta follow. And I'm thinking one day it just hit me. I was like, are you really just telling these people to fight for their dreams? And you are not, you know. And so from there, right after the year after America's got talent, I said, I'm, I'm gonna pursue music and that's why I actually left and went to China
because it was the perfect opportunity for me to just start fresh, you know, to go to a country where no one knows who you are. It, it kind of gives you a plain white canvas and then I saved up enough money to move to Los Angeles and, and now that I'm here, it's, it's, I was given another plain white canvas. So it's now to the point where people see me here and they see me dance and they're like, wait, you can dance back home.
It was, wait, you can sing here. It's a different thing. It's like everyone knows me as this singer now. And so that I think that's a testament to how we can just rewrite our stories however we want to.
Jenn Junod, ALONZO
But yeah, here I am been on the grind all these years and I, I love that.
Jenn Junod
That is something we mentioned in this, but that's not just who you are and something that I heard you mention in your self self-care interview that has me curious about the original topic that we were talking about of boxes. You mentioned that you were raised by your mother, auntie's grandma. And yet in that interview, you mentioned having to be the man of the house, the for your big brother, for your mom.
And in past episodes, we've talked about like intersectionality and how we all have like polarities in different parts of us. And did you really feel that when you were growing up of how both sides influenced you or did they conflict.
ALONZO
I love that. That is an amazing question. You're so good at this.
Jenn Junod
Thank you.
ALONZO
Absolutely. And I, I would say that feeling the pulling of polarity before you understand what it is, is difficult because you, you always feel incomplete, you know, you never feel whole, getting tugged in multiple directions. And so as I said, you know, I, I had a feminine side, but I was still the man of the house and feminine or not. I talk about my anger back then like I beat up many macho men, you know, because I needed to prove the point that I was capable feminine or not light
voice or not. I still go to the gym have the strength of a man, you know, and it was always about proving that and I think that now it's about showing the other side of that. It's, it's not about me back then. It was like, I need to show my strength to prove how much of a man I am. But now I'm, I'm on this path of reminding men of their hearts and, and the, the, the validity within their emotions that they are valid and that you can cry and you can feel your emotions and guess what?
It makes you more of a man because it makes you a better father, it makes you a better son. It makes you a better human being to have empathy and compassion. These are the men that these are we not? Are we gonna say that President Obama is not a real man because of his heart. That's one of the most beloved men on the planet. Despite all the people against him, we're just talking about the character of the human being and, and that's a real man.
You know, he, he, he, he takes care of his daughters and we've seen the man cry, you know, and so, and that's just one of many examples. But II, I say that to say it's so important to allow all emotions, the polarity within, within masculine and feminine, within anger and happiness and joy and sadness. They are all valid. I think this, there's this thing where people wanna prioritize feeling happy all the time and feeling peace over anger and sadness and, and fear and although these
emotions are not pleasant to feel in the moment and all these emotions also can have a negative impact when use the wrong way. They have great thing. Fear has, oh not fear, anger has gotten shit done. You know, my people wouldn't have their, their rights if it wasn't for some people getting pissed off and, and the list goes on, you know, it's so important to allow all and, and so when we speak about polarity, I grew up around a woman who was very independent, my mom, she didn't need a man
for nothing, you know, she was, she could, she could change a tire, you know, and so women that were strong and men that were, that had hearts that were aware of their strength. This is the type of world that I would, that I'm trying to come up in now, you know, where everything is valid, every motion, every feeling and, and, and honestly, we deserve it more than ever because it's so many people that are hurting out here and this is the path to our healing.
You know, there are a lot of men that have struggled for the longest with expressing themselves. And I think the more compassionate we get the better the world will be. And, and that's gonna come through feeling, which is why all of my music, every conversation that I have, it's at the end of the day, you're gonna feel me, it's gonna go deeper than my words.
You're gonna feel something from what I said and did. And Maya Angelou says, people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel.
Jenn Junod
It's true. Even if you can't remember what they look like, you just remember the presence of them. Yup. And I love that. And thank you for sharing that is something polarities so much. And I, in, in a past episode, I believe it was with Patrick Monet. We talk about anger and there's three different types of anger of being passive, passive aggressive aggressive and we really narrow in men's mental health on that one.
And that is a topic that we could go on for days. On. One thing that I asked him is how can, and this was more in a, in a female to male support. But I think this is something that can be asked of so many different people in different relationships. And because we all have friends. Right. We all have, I have male friends. I have non gen non-binary friends to see if I can remember terms today and then I'm in a relationship that is I'm straight and I, you know, need to be able to support my
partner. How, what are some ways that you feel most supported? Especially like if it's with your friends, if it's with a partner, if it's with, with a family, what are some of the ways that you could ask people to support you or you felt most supported?
ALONZO
Wow, you're so good at this. I wanna keep saying that what are ways that I feel most supported? I mean, if we were just to kind of like break the categories down, I feel most supported by a partner through gentleness and freedom. I really seek a person that is gentle with me. I don't really do well with like overly alpha, aggressive energy coming from either sex.
You know, it has to be very gentle and compassionate because that is how I deal with people. And, and when I say freedom, it is the freedom to steal. b who I was before the relationship. And that is fully focused on my priorities and dreams and not really losing myself in the, the relationship. And, you know, a lot of people in these relationships, they kind of say things like, you know, your mind.
and, and we need to complete each other and that, and I don't really like that type of talk. I don't think it's really about completing each other because when we come into, if it's about us doing 5050 then that means that somebody is coming in lacking something. But what I think it is about is 100 100 you know, two whole healthy human beings coming together to then make each other better.
Yeah, and, and it's so funny because a lot of people don't even see it that way. But, you know, I don't believe in like couples therapy. We need to both go to individual therapy and work on ourselves and then come back to this. And so, when it comes to support the relationships, that's what I seek as it pertains to like my family and friends.
You know, it's, it's, this question is so hard because I support everyone, you know, everyone calls me for advice. I am the person I am the designated person in, in my group of friends and family that when somebody has a question about something or they don't know what to do, they're probably gonna call Alonzo.
Jenn Junod
And so when it comes to me being supported, I'm sitting here thinking like, hmm cause if, if, and this is something and that's a, that, that's a great part to, to add this of we all, every relationship we have so any type of relationship, it can be somebody at work or your next door neighbor or, you know, friends or family or whoever, we all have our little love box with them.
And if we continue to pour into the love box and they continue to take or vice versa, the box will never be full and somebody eventually will go Sara or be so drained that they have to just to refill themselves. And I know that my partner, he is definitely very similar in the fact that he is the one everyone goes to. He is also the one that I'll go cry to if anything's wrong.
And he's also like you got this, you're an independent bitch, you can do it. And it's so he has to like, you know, handle both. But it's the type of thing that I, I specifically asked this because in men's mental health, they are the providers. a lot of times they don't necessarily need to be, but a lot of times that's their mindset that they grew up with. So how if they're the ones that always dishing out advice, fixing things, providing pain.
You know, there's so much that they give, they give, they give, they give and don't worry, mothers, we will get to you on another episode because you definitely do too. Especially so, like, I don't wanna like dis discount you whatsoever. because mother is 100% but with men how, that's why, how do we support you for you? Your own? Not men in general.
ALONZO
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, one of the things that I learned in this rooted and rising one in one of our workshops is how important it is to fill our cups first. So taking from the box metaphor, I'll just use a cup and we feel like the goal is for the cup to be running over. And if you imagine putting a cup under water, a water fountain, the cup fills up and then the water starts to overflow.
Well, everything in the cup is mine. Like I'm not sharing what's in the cup. Everything overflowing is what I have to give. So that I'm never being depleted by what I'm giving because I'm only giving what runs over. And if my cup is not full, then I'm not giving, you know, and that is another thing that I with, with my mental health and, and this, this journey of self care.
And one of the things that I recommend to anyone, not just men. But everyone is this concept of really understanding boundaries and not being afraid to say no, you know, I've been a people pleaser a lot of my life. That's why I, I put that dance crew before my dream to be a, a singer. It was the fact that there were 15 kids depending on me and their parents and, and the community that had this expectation of me. And, and, and so to me, it was do I go for the greater cause and make a difference
or do I follow my real dream? And, and I didn't realize that if I followed my real dream, I could also have an even bigger impact in that arena and more. And so it's just really been about finding this balance and, and not being afraid to, to say no, my mentor Justin Michael Williams says the saying yes, when you really want to say no is an insult on your intuition.
Jenn Junod
Oh I like that one.
ALONZO
It hit me girl. I was like, wait, what? Because there have been so many moments where you know, we, we, we say yes to something cause we don't want them to get mad at us. You know, we always agree to things because of the fear of how someone else might react or if they're not gonna like us or you know, there's that whole wanting to fit in thing again.
And I think that part of being, having healthy mental health and, and regardless of what sex you are, is being able to set very clear boundaries and it's not rules, you know, like rules and even in a relationship, I, I give this advice, you know, rules are things that say you cannot do this. Boundaries say I would appreciate if you don't do this, you know, and you, and you hold your boundaries.
So one of the things like one of my small boundaries is I do not talk on the phone before I meditate in the morning and, and there's been moments where my manager has called and I hadn't meditated yet. So I did not answer the phone. And then he says, why didn't you answer the phone? It was something important, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, well, I hadn't meditated yet. He understands that boundary because I'm gonna be more productive if I, I've, I've grounded myself for the day.
Otherwise you might give me some bad news and I'm already over it, you know. And so anyway, I think that's big setting boundaries, not being afraid to say no. And you know, no matter what sex you are just understanding that it's ok to choose yourself whenever you need to and only giving when the cup is overflowing. I think that's the way that we don't get depleted. So, yeah, I give a lot. But iii I try to take the best care of myself as possible.
Jenn Junod
And that's something that I think a lot of people don't realize how, when they fill their own cup, it really does allow them to be able to keep their own boundaries. And the fact that that was one of the hardest things I've ever struggled with is I would say I had boundaries and I'd expect everybody else to just suddenly be ok with them and I had to enforce them, but to
enforce them, I had to fill my own cup. I, I do wanna, you know, bring it back to, well, how do your friends and family support you then how do you feel the most supported by them?
ALONZO
Yeah. I'd say I feel the most support from my friends and family through the grounding of their, their love. I think that as a an artist, an up and coming artist that is, I mean, I've been at this thing for a long time and I'm finally like gaining some traction, you know, bigger opportunities are coming and things are opening up and, and so when, when bigger followers start to come and different things start to happen, it can be that fear can come back up, but I feel the most supportive
when I have them reminding me that I deserve that because I worked my ass off for it for years and that regardless of what happens they're here, you know, and, and so whether people hate me, like me say he's too feminine, whatever I have their, their love and, and it's so grounding to just know that I got some people that are, that are, that are there for me.
And I think that it's so important that we all have our little crew. You know, the people that we can trust that we feel safe around. And I know a lot of people don't have that and, and I encourage you guys to start to cultivate that space in which you feel safe and you feel loved. And if you're around people and you don't feel that way, then you, you got some cleaning out to do.
And I do understand that it's not as easy as it's not always as easy as cutting somebody off and getting new friends because some toxic people are family members, some toxic people are people that have very close access to you and, or your providers. And I think the biggest thing is in that case, that's where we activate the boundaries. You know, that is where boundaries really come into hand because I can't fully cut you off, but I can do something to create better space for myself.
So an example that I could use is mom, mom, she's always been her thing is like I wanna protect you. You know, and, and I wanna make sure that you, you're making the right decisions for yourself. And in many cases when I've taken leaps such as going to China, it, her fear comes up, you know, and a lot of times people that love us, they're not purposely trying to discourage us, you know, they're unintentionally projecting their fears.
And when mom says, oh, don't what you going to China for, you know, they, you know what they'd be eating over there, what you gonna do, they go chop your black ass up or, you know, anything can be said. And so that could put some things in your head and, and the list goes on. And so long story short, the boundary that I've set with mom is cause you can't cut mom off.
Well, I can't cut my mom off. And so I had to find a boundary that basically would not allow her to discourage the leaps of faith that I wanted to take or cause me to doubt a dream or a vision that I had because no one can see your vision but you, and so even your mom can just talk you out of it or plant a seed of doubt and you're like doubting it the rest of the way.
And so this boundary is that I only tell her things when it's done and it's happening. I like to tell her things when it's in the, in the, the, the baby stages or when I'm, when I have the idea, I'm only gonna tell her, I just booked the show in China II I, my book is coming out, you know, I'm releasing this song called Black Boy Destiny. It'll be out on this day that way.
There's no space for her. Now, the people that, that there are certain people that you don't have that with, I do have people in my life that I can talk to and that can they hear music before it comes out and they know how to deliver the feedback that in the way that it can be more productive than hurtful. But that's just an example, you know, like you can set boundaries with, with, with people that have some toxic traits in your life.
And so I just say that to the people cause I, I was just talking about, you know, making sure that you're surrounded by, by love and feeling safe. But when we are in situations where toxic people have access to us and we don't really have the, the power to fully cut them off. Then there's, you can get creative with the boundaries which make things better because now what
happens is now every time I tell her something, we're so busy celebrating what is about to happen, there's no space for her to talk me out of it. You know, it's always, oh my gosh.
Jenn Junod
Really? I love that. That's the part. Yeah, that is amazing. And, and thank you for going over boundaries. an example, like a tangible example of what that boundary can look like and, and yes, so much. I, if I were to recap this episode, I would say how our own self work is what creates us to no longer have to feel like we have to be in these boxes and no longer project having others be in their boxes. Because when we fill our own cup and know how to get support, ask for support and give
support, we're able to go like lessen the anger, lessen the, you know, the depression. I mean, I say that in the fact that I'm, I'm gonna always have depression and anxiety and I'm bipolar and that's gonna be around the rest of my life. I don't have a choice but I can make my toolbox better. So it's easier to deal with and just thank you so much and to make sure was there anything else that we didn't cover today? Alonso that you wanted to cover?
ALONZO
I think what needed to be said has been said and if I am to pull one more thing out, I would just remind people that they are already enough and it's not about being someone that we're not to be enough like you are perfect just the way you are and you're already enough and, and there's room for improvement, but you're already perfect. I think that if we approach life with that, that mindset of I'm not trying to fix myself. I, I love me the way that I am, but I'm gonna work on myself. And when I
make that, when I make myself better, I'm gonna love him or her too. we'll find ourselves being more happy more consistently. But I think that it brings us to the present to appreciate who we are right now. And when we get to tomorrow, I love him too. And today I'm gonna do what I need to do to make myself better. But I think that the biggest way to starting to feel more consistent happiness, less anxiety, less depression is to just be here with what is now and grateful for that.
Jenn Junod
I love that. And I was gonna say that also brings to mind. We are a masterpiece and a, a work in progress all at the same time. Yup. And you, you, you took away the words of encouragement and I just as a, a solid call out, what would you say that you're grateful for one thing that you're grateful for? It can be more than one.
ALONZO
But yeah, I am so grateful for Justin Michael Williams. And if you guys have never heard of him, look him up. He's, it's so funny because he's actually my friend too.
Jenn Junod
Oh, I love it and we'll link it in the bio like in the description and everything.
ALONZO
So, yeah, he's, he's hosting a retreat in Bali in March that I'm going to a meditation retreat if anybody's interested in going on a teaching with him, I'll be there and I'm just, I'm, I'm just so grateful for him and it, and it's really interesting because he's like my friend. So we like, hang out sometimes when he's in town, he'll crash here.
But I, I respect him so much because this, this whole new way of, of approaching life and mindfulness has been a bit of a journey for me. You know, I came to L A super judgmental, very religious and, and kind of having many religious traumas to overcome and through his teachings, I have been able to just really go on this journey of healing. And as a result, it's making me a better artist because it's not just about making music, it's about speaking about these things that take that
make the music even deeper. And it's one thing to be talented and, and just be able to sing. But it's another thing to, to have purpose and impact. And that is what I really wanna do before I leave this earth.
Jenn Junod
I love that. And thank you Alonso for being on here. And I would say my one thing of gratitude is you never know what the world will bring you. In fact, Instagram has brought me two guests now and they are just such cool humans, you being one of them. And thank you for this conversation and I will make sure everybody gets all of your links to make sure that they follow you too.
ALONZO
Yeah. Well, you know that you got somebody lifetime. So if you ever wanna have me back, I'm here and if you're ever in L A and I'm doing a show, you are always invited.
Jenn Junod
Thank you.
Jenn Junod
We appreciate you listening to the episode. Please like follow and share on our social media at Shit2TalkAbout. That is shit. The number two talk about stay tuned on Wednesdays and Fridays for new episodes. This episode was made possible by production manager Tron Nan, business manager, Bill Powell and your host, Jen.
