S1 E36 Shit2TalkAbout Coping With Humor with Mimi Hayes
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Jenn Junod
Hey Mimi, thank you for joining shit. You don't wanna talk about. Please introduce yourself and the shit you wanna talk about today.
Mimi Hayes
Hey, thanks for having me. I am Mimi Hayes. I Bill myself as a stand up comedian. I am a brain injury survivor. My voice sounds terrifying right now. I just did my first ted talk. That's how we met. So super exciting. I wrote my first book after, came out of pretty intense health crisis, I'm sure we're gonna talk about that today and now I just, you know, make fun of it and that's kind of my shtick is like making really dark inappropriate jokes. Someone the other day, my roommate called
me morbid Mimi. So, I don't know how to take that, but I, I, we, you know, I, I feel like, yeah, that, that made a lot of sense. So, yeah, thanks for having me on and I think that today we'll talk a lot about what that looks like to kind of mask some really serious hard stuff with some of those jokes and lightheartedness and ultimately like how to, I guess, truly cope because I don't believe that it always works when you do that, for sure, for sure.
Jenn Junod
And I kind of like the ring of morbid Mimi just like, I, I'm just picturing it. I'm like, that's kind of a good like Instagram handle. So I don't know if it's taken. But as everybody, like I've mentioned on many of the podcasts, but definitely individuals that I met at the TED Talk that you presented at, I definitely awkwardly introduced myself to a lot of people and to our listeners, I'm like, Instagramming Mimi, like, as she's on stage and I'm just like, we gotta be brain buddies.
Like, can we be friends? This is so cool because yes, mine was like a craniotomy due to a you know, a random mass on my brain arachnoid cyst. It was something that was not as traumatic yet. Those who go through like craniotomies and things like that is, it's a weird thing to meet people on and I really connected with your TED talk and just like how you presented it yet.
I love the fact of like the fact that you talk about how we kind of mask dark things with humor or that everything is ok or, you know, as so many of us are like social media makes it all look pretty and we do that as humans. So can you start us off with your, were you a comedian pre surgery?
Mimi Hayes
I was not, actually, I had, I was a theater kid so I did lots of theater. I did improv. So I was doing comedy but I never would have called myself a comedian. more of a, you know, yeah, theater kid, I guess. And, started stand up after my craniotomy, got on stage, started talking about catheters and being in a wheelchair and how people deliver the news to you.
That's a, that was funny. To me how, how short people can be with you. Yes, your, your brain is bleeding. I'm gonna leave the room now and no like follow up like you're not dying right now. You know, you're good. Just your brain's bleeding. I gotta go. So, you know, I was, I was up there making those jokes and I'll be honest with you, they weren't that great. They, I mean, people were not laughing, they were terrified.
They're like, this is in, are you good? Like, are you ok? You know, like, so I think sometimes people did think I was joking too. So it's like, it wasn't funny but they're like, ah, she's kidding. She's kidding. That's not funny. Don't know why she do that. But, you know, so I get a lot of really weird, reactions early on when I first started. For sure.
Jenn Junod
And I just, I just think about it because of course I first met you and you were on stage. How did, how did you find out about the, that your head? I think that's the easiest. How'd you find out what was going on?
Mimi Hayes
Yeah. yeah, I definitely, it's, it's a longer story than I could fit into my, my TED talk. so I was 22. I was living in Denver ish Aurora. I had just graduated college. I was gonna go be a high school teacher. So I was in my student teaching semester and I had literally just started, like, I had five days of teaching where I was like, I'm the student teacher.
I know I look like a student and hello, please respect me. I was brand spanking new. I was also newly single that summer. and that was about a five year long relationship. Thought I was gonna marry that person. So that was a lot of, a lot to do, you know, in a very short period of time by itself. And, got into those couple days of teaching, started feeling off, started feeling, dizzy and nauseous and like drunk almost.
I would describe it as like stumbling. And, my vision was kind of weird. I'm like trying to read these students like permission slip, you know, they're handwriting and I'm kind of like moving it around and I'm like, couldn't figure it out. I'd had a, do a doctor's visit set up with my doctor for separate reasons because also just fun facts. I have hypothyroidism so I just call that my slow and fat disease.
All that means is that I just don't have any energy ever. So I, I had had, I was feeling kind of lethargic that summer and I thought, oh, you know, maybe it's the thyroid stuff. So I had made an appointment, go in now by that time I was feeling like something is really off, you know, something is very strange. And, she pretty much was like, oh, it's, you're a young person, you know.
she actually did ask me if I'd been through a breakup lately, which I think is like, mad unprofessional. Just like, what does that have to do with any? Like, no, this is not just a life circumstance, but she did ask me that and I said, yeah. Yeah, I did. You know, and she's like, oh, ok, then you're so young, like you're depressed and, you know, you're just overwhelmed and, prescribed me some Valium, which, just, just, is, in case you did not know it was very, very bad if you have a
bleeding brain, to take that. Luckily I did not and we didn't know anyway, getting ahead of myself. so we leave, we leave my mom and I leave and, like, I don't know what's going on. and then a couple of days later I ended up in the, because I, I couldn't move my head without like throwing up. I mean, I was like, very visually, you know, any of the eye movement I could, I was just like lying in a bed just like, I think I'm dying.
so then we went to the, and they again fumbled, the play because they're like, oh, you know, let's check in your ears. They look at my ears and they're like, oh, it's all plugged up in there, kiddo and, you know, they're like, 00, you know, it, it, it's, it was just all these non answers, you know, to what I was feeling. But, home again my mom at this point has lost her cookies.
she's very like, you know, you don't mess with this woman's kids, I'll tell you that. so she's like, that's it. We're going back to the, and we're not gonna leave until we get like actual answers, not these like fake answers that just, you know, covering this up with something. So, we were in there until she threatened them with a fake attorney and said we need an MRI stat and we did not have an attorney ps, she was just like, totally lying about this but, you know, she's like a total
badass. So she's like, we're not leaving. So then we did finally got an MRI and sure enough they found a little, little, brain bleed back in there, wouldn't you have it? And, yeah, and then like literally the information that I got was I was in that, room on that cold little table at like 2 a.m. at this point and the woman comes back with the results and she's like, hey, your brain is bleeding, I'll be right back and just like left the room and I was like, great, I'm dying on
this table here and now, I had a full panic attack. So that is how I came to know about the brain hemorrhage. And then everything else from there is, is quite the wild ride too.
Jenn Junod
I'm just going, and for our listeners that are not watching on youtube, like I'm giving Mimi a lot of weird faces during this entire time because I'm just like, why. and just in my own experience, like, especially when I had started with my headaches and my pressure headaches, nobody believed me. No one believed me. Especially even when I got my neurologist to finally believe me, which was after like 10 years of this stuff happening that I found a neurologist that believed me.
They, I went to go see the neurosurgeon and they were like, yeah, no, like you're 33 you're fine. You're, you know, it's a benign arachnoid cyst. They don't cause any issues, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, no dude. Like it does, it causes like I get incredible pressure headaches just in that spot and that's the only place. And it's crazy how dismissed it becomes, especially when there are big issues. And I guess, did they ever answer like, what caused the brain bleed?
Mimi Hayes
So what they think, you know, happened and this is like the story we're going with, you know, at this point is that I was born with a clump of cells in my head that we never knew about or saw. And those are called cavernous angioma and they can happen anywhere in your body. It's just like a little clumpy of cells. It doesn't do any harm. It's just like sitting there because your cells didn't unroll or whatever.
So it's a little clumpy, it's anywhere in the body. So they think, ok, that was in your body, your whole life. And then my part of this theory is stress caused, my brain to stroke and that, then that little nugget kind of captured all of that blood. So I really think that that little nugget saved my life because it was a stroke but it was, it had less of that. the damage happening because when you have a stroke, I mean, the blood just goes and just does its thing.
Whereas mine kinda came into that little nugget and then got bigger and started swelling and causing a lot of problems. That's where I was having all those symptoms, which then spoiler alert got much worse. so, you know, it was, I think due to something I couldn't control and something that I maybe could have controlled, which was some of my stress at that time.
Jenn Junod
Shit. How, like I, I know this might be skipping a little bit. Like how do you get, what did they do? What do you, what, what did they do with a brain bleed?
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
And you're chilling in the, you know, yes, what to do when you have a, a nugget of blood in your head.
Mimi Hayes
So what they said at the time when I first found it, you know, after they came back into the room and we're like, ok, you're, they said you're stable. And I was like, well, you could have told me that, like, as I'm literally having a panic attack, you know. but anyway, so they say, hey, you're stable. Here's the situation and then I, you know, talked to the, the neurosurgeon all the people and they said, you know, this, this can happen, this happens.
We don't really know why, but it happens and sometimes that will, the blood will go away, the hemorrhage will dissipate back into the body and you don't need surgery. Good to go. That could happen. And they said we are hoping for that to happen. So what we will do is send you back home on bed, rest for 6 to 8 weeks and kind of like call us if anything changes was what I heard. Now, you'd have to ask my parents what the, what they got. But I'm like, ok, go home and call us if anything changes.
So that is what they told us. And then I went home, I was living with my parents at the time, which was a godsend because I just became their little like sick person. And so they set up a little area for me. You know, they helped me with everything. took me on walks. that's something they said too was like, you need to keep the blood flowing. You need to, you know, I was convinced I could power walk it out of my head.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
So I was like, out there in these streets, like I feel like those are so contradictory.
Jenn Junod
Like dead rest. Go walking.
Mimi Hayes
Yeah. Which one is it? Yes. So they said, yeah, you need, you need, you know, rest. But also like you don't wanna atrophy. And I'm like, oh, we're talking atrophy now. Ok. So the weeks are going by, I'm at home and I am not getting better. I'm getting worse. And so what that looks like for me is that the left side of my body is very slow, not working.
I had just started writing this book and I quickly found I could not type with my left hand and I could not hold my guitar. I used to play like not anything crazy, but I, I could hold it and play some things and now I couldn't get my hand to do the strings. My vision was double. So, you know, that's crazy. My appetite was totally gone because I would, you know, the eye movement, right?
Any kind of movement that I made would make me dizzy. So I, you know, I couldn't really watch a ton of TV. Although I tried but it's like, oh, everything's double and, like, moving and it just made me feel sick. So I lost about £20. I was super skinny at the time but like, sick, skinny, like, oh, no. Oh, no. and yeah, I, I couldn't walk on my own, you know, so I had a cane and, so I'm like, yeah, and of course I don't, at the time I really didn't know what to expect.
I don't think I really saw my body deteriorating that fast. And so I wasn't really taking it seriously. I wasn't thinking like you should call your doctor. Like I wasn't thinking about any of that. and it was actually a joke that I made to my sister because I couldn't taste anymore and I was trying to eat Captain Crunch or something. And I was like, I can't taste this, but that's fine.
Right. Because who needs taste buds anyway. And she's like, excuse you? No, that's not funny. And we should call your surgeon at which point they said, yeah, you better get back over here for another MRI. And we went in there and sure enough, it had grown in size, about double, but that actually ended up working out for me because, it was very close to a vein to go ahead and go and do the surgery because that's the reason why they didn't want to operate in the first place.
They're like, we don't wanna go in there and damage a bunch of tissue yanking out of there. We could cause more damage that way. which, by the way, I was totally incapable of understanding, conceptualizing brain surgery. It was just like, not, I couldn't go there as I, I'm sure maybe you feel as well. I was just like, no, not going there.
Not a thing. so then they, they had seen it grow in size. I said, hey, actually, this is great because we can go in there now snatch it up and, you know, have you on your way essentially. So we did schedule a brain surgery after that second MRI and they took out the nugget as it were
Jenn Junod
and how was the healing life afterwards?
Mimi Hayes
you know, I consider myself very, very lucky. because a the part of the brain, the type of bleed it was, you know how young I was, there were like so many factors that were like Yahtzee like, you know, and it wasn't easy. I'll say that. But, for what the situation that I had, I went to a rehab center after surgery, which again, my mom had to fight for because they were like right after surgery, they were like, you ready to go home kiddo?
And I'm like, why the finger guns? What are we doing here? Why, why are you suggesting that I go home? So my mom intervened in that as well and said, no, she needs like intensive therapy. She cannot walk. She, you know, she can't, I was seeing double and sideways after surgery. So all these things were just. Yeah. Yeah. Whack a dole. Right. Crazy. so I, you know, get out of surgery. They, they finally say, ok, we can send to this rehab center. I went there for about two weeks and
relearned all of the basics. So, walking and seeing and, my speech was pretty good. you know, I never really stopped talking the entire time but I did have to do speech therapy anyway, which I was like, this is lame. And then they're like, ok, and they were showing me little picture tests. They're like, what's this? I'm like, that's a house. That's a car, that's a spatula. And then I'm like, that's, what is that? Oh, no, I can't say that word. It was a tripod. The word was tripod.
Jenn Junod
Oh, damn.
Mimi Hayes
So that is aphasia and, again, pretty, mild, I guess. But that's part of the part of the brain that, you know, oh, you know, the, you know that, you know the word, you just can't say it.
Jenn Junod
what, where on your brain was the craniotomy and the nugget?
Mimi Hayes
Yes. It was in my cerebellum.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
It was on the right side, which meant that the left side of my body was impact was impacted because it, it flips for those listing.
Jenn Junod
It's the bottom, right, the head, your head like kind of by like your neck in the back.
Mimi Hayes
Yeah. Yeah. That little nugget right there.
Jenn Junod
That's crazy. Like that is, I know for mine like I had the insane headaches and they would like mine was right right behind my right temple. So I would, that's where all the pressure would be and it would affect my vision. And that's why I think I kept giving you even more looks during the vision because even now sometimes I randomly get my vision gets affected and it makes me so nauseous. That is what I hate the most.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
I'm just like, oh I don't, I I don't want to deal with this.
Jenn Junod
And it's like where mine was is it did create my long term memories became almost like recent memories. So all the trauma that I went through growing up that I thought I dealt with was like, yeah, bitch, we're back. I I say that because where with my craniotomy, I had to take four weeks off of work and needed to just chill at home.
But I couldn't walk very far. Like I couldn't walk like I would say 20 ft because I would get so tired and lightheaded and nauseous. So I would like literally walk as far as I could and then sit on the ground because I feel like I just want to make it to the mailbox.
Mimi Hayes
Yo same. huh.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. And, and I say that because so many people don't realize like, what our brain, how much it affects everything and different parts of your brain really do affect, you know, different mobilities and things. And especially because you and I talked about this a bit how during recovery and then going into starting to become more into comedy. How did you, was that covering up, like, the actual feelings of, of recovery in life?
Mimi Hayes
Oh, totally. Totally. yes. So it was so bad. I was, I was so reliant on my humor, my sense of humor at the time, especially during the diagnosis period and the home, you know, home rest and stuff. A lot of my friends did not know how bad it was. They had no idea. because I would get on the call. I'd be like, hey, what's cracking? Yeah, I'm just at home in my jammies because I'm awesome because my brain's bleeding and they're like, ok, all right.
Sure. Like, they're like, odd way to respond but, ok, you know, she seems happy. so I would be, you know, shooting the shit with them and even the ones that came and saw me, they, you know, they got to actually physically see what I looked like. So that really hit home for them too. But they were still, like, she's still, she's pretty heavy in denial here.
so, yeah, if they saw me in person, they could tell that it was really bad. but if they didn't, you know, if they were just talking to me on the phone or they didn't see me for a few weeks, they had no idea because I just refused to really go there to talk about it, to feel those feelings. It wasn't really something that I wanted to do. I was just, I just chose not to, you know, so it was like, I'm not gonna think about brain surgery.
I'm not gonna think about like being disabled for the rest of my life. I'm not gonna think about any of this. I'm just gonna find ways that I can laugh inappropriately at it, you know, and to some extent that that continues to this day, but I it catches up with you is the really hard thing that, you know, I talked about in the TED talk is like fully it coming back to smack you in the face.
And you're like, oh, I never addressed that. That was scary. I never addressed, I never felt that feeling. I just didn't allow myself to. So you can keep doing that forever. But at some point it's gonna come for you and it's gonna be, I feel like 10 times worse than if I would have just felt it in the moment. And I mean, I, I do remember feeling anger.
I do remember, some of those walks that ended up, yeah, being like to get the mail, you know, because it went from like I can go around the block to, I can go to the stop sign to I can, yeah. You know, it got worse and worse. And, I remember being very frustrated and angry at my body. I remember being angry that this was happening to me because I was pretty convinced that I was gonna die.
And if that was the case, I was gonna be pissed because I felt at that point this is pretty sad too. I felt at that point that I hadn't done anything in my life for the world. I hadn't helped anyone. I hadn't, I was just kind of like there. I had just gotten there. which is not true, you know, I lived a very full life up until this point. Yeah, I was young. But, oh, I've been a nice person, joyful, you know, I've always been a kind person, to say that I hadn't changed anyone's life. It's kind of
not fair to me, but that was how I felt, you know. And, she's like, oh, I never got to see Europe and I never got to travel and this is so lame. And, but just also just being very deeply, yeah, upset deep down that I thought that it was gonna end early. and also that maybe I'd prove myself right because I, as a child had always morbid me, me here had never thought I would see past like 25. I was for some reason, little anxious me was like I'm probably gonna die in a car accident when I'm like 25.
Jenn Junod
And how old are you now?
Mimi Hayes
Just just to tell I am gonna be 30 in like a month or two.
Jenn Junod
Ok, so we made it past 25. That is. Yes we did we got there. All right.
Mimi Hayes
Yes. But for some reason just young me kind of just either I couldn't picture what I, what I look like or who I would be at that age. But for some reason I was just like, yeah, I'm gonna die young, you know, it is what it is. And then here I am with this, you know, bleeding brain and I'm like, well, dang it, I didn't actually want that. I just, that's, that's how I thought things would go. And then I was like, well, I jinxed myself here. Here it is.
Jenn Junod
You know, I think that's a, a great call out too because you mentioned how with all your like I unless people saw you that you really seemed OK, like you were happy, like, and we've seen this in society where especially comedians or people that are super outgoing, everyone just thinks they're fine because they're so energetic or they're so happy or they seem like they got it all together.
And I know for myself like, I've definitely experienced that where I, I put so much energy out there that I don't think it was until I was in my current relationship that someone actually got to see that dark side now and how dark it got. And that's really what made me wanna start talking about it because e especially during, you know, this COVID times, like people keep saying, check on your friends, check on your outgoing friends, but check on your non outgoing friends because this
shit sucks. And we all have different ways of hiding it. Yet. I feel like the comedians in the world are, you know, the people that seem happy go lucky are the ones that are the best at hiding it.
Mimi Hayes
I agree. How did you?
Jenn Junod
I comment then question. Let's see if I can get these in order. I know for myself. So at the end of January 2022 I was let go from my job and I was definitely like, I cried when they told me because being remote first, they tell you over Zoom because you know, they're in a different state and that's like just like a huge shocker as it is. So I definitely cried at the moment, but I think it was more like the shock and then I was like, it's OK, the podcast is gonna be successful.
I'm gonna get into public speaking to be able to pay for the Bills podcast and we'll be ok and no big deal. And it definitely, I went into, like, overdrive of fixing it, like, it'll be fine and, like, people would talk to me and they'd be like, how are you? Ok. Like, they'd be like, I'm so sorry and I'm like, why are you sorry? It's gonna be great. And then, like, there's different instances since then that it's hit me, like, but then I just shut down the feelings within like, 10 minutes.
And I've had this in therapy too where I'll get to a really, really dark spot that I have to work through, but I almost automatically go. No, no, no, no, I don't want to feel that and shut it down. And my therapist has told me that it's avoidance and it's, it's a coping mechanism that we all that so many of us learn.
But we also need to unlearn and especially in your ted talk when you talked about it that it kind of like, smacks you in the face. How have you learned to kind of show the shit that's going on?
Mimi Hayes
Yeah, it's, it's come for me in so many unexpected ways. You know, I have found that, making a living as a comedian who gets on stage and talks about how funny it was that I almost died. You know, it's gonna, it's gonna come up, you know, it's, it's not like I was like, ok, that's, that chapter of my life is done, you know, I literally had to rewrite this story when I wrote the book 34 times over, you know, through the editing process,
the publishing process. Now I do speaking gigs and now I get on stage and I say these jokes, you know it, I'm, I'm literally forcing myself to relive my nightmare every day.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
You're smiling while you say this, I'm like, oh wow.
Mimi Hayes
So when it comes for me, it comes in very unexpected ways. So, I mean, one of the, one of the first, not the first time, but a memorable time that I remember was the, my book had just come out, I just gotten my first copies and I was reading I was reading my book on the subway. So it was my first copy and I was like, oh, just like, proudly showing it, you know, never published a book before.
So I'm like, you know, I'm just holding it and look at it. It's so shiny and all this stuff and I'm reading it and I get to a certain part of the book, you know, no spoilers. But I was talking about the vision aspect of my life and I was talking about how grateful I was that I could see and it was something that was like so basic, but it hit me so hard that I was reading my own book with my eyes.
I was reading this chapter about how I could read and how grateful I was, and I was on a, on a subway. I was getting myself from point A to point B and I just started weeping, just weeping on the subway and, you know, call my mom and I'm like, I can see, I can see. And she's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, you don't understand. I couldn't, had it been a little bit different, had the odds not been in my favor in such a way.
I couldn't live in New York City. I couldn't have done this. I couldn't read, you know, like my life would be so different. And so it's, it's times like that when I just, I'm overwhelmed with like a what happened, right? The reality of what happened that was really hard and that was really scary. And there was a lot of emotions you chose not to feel that you are now feeling twice as hard.
But also what could have been and the, the gratitude and the overwhelming sense of like, and I think maybe there is maybe some survivor guilt in there too. I meet a lot of survivors who did not come out of it as well as I did. And they are just as amazing people. Why, why am I the one that gets to be able to get on a stage and talk about it without needing a wheelchair lift, you know, to do that.
So I feel very grateful. And that tends to overwhelm me as well that I get to live this life the way that I choose, even though it is still hard, you know, it's not like everything went away and everything was magical. I struggle every day. With my brain injury, I struggled with that ted talk that is the most anxious and paralyzed with fear. I've ever been on a stage in my life.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
So, and you were absolutely amazing.
Mimi Hayes
Thank you. It's just like, oh my God, you know, to be able to, you know, yeah, to tell that story, to get up there and tell a story that resonated with you, that you could get to come up to me and say, oh my gosh, let's be friends. This happened to me in, in buddies, buddies. It, it means the world to me, you know, and that's also a whole new, it's a whole new chapter of my life.
It's a new purpose. It's a new way of connecting with people that I didn't have before. And then I'm like, oh, I was so like alone in that time, you know, because I didn't have that community going into it. I didn't know people who had had brain injuries. I knew and that's, I had one person I knew one person. And it was someone halfway across the country, who I would occasionally text with some weird questions and that was huge for me at the time.
But I did not see anyone like me in the world. I did not know anyone who this had happened to. It was just me as it felt. So now to be able to be in a community and to be able to have these conversations that or that or that makes you cry too. It's like there's very powerful emotions and some of them are, you know, yeah, just really hard to, to process And some of them have come back in, in this process of healing and growing and learning and retelling this story.
You know, I think about my family too because my first keynote I did was a couple of years ago and it was at a brain convention with lots of professionals and some survivors. But kind of, it was mostly like for professional people. And my mom is a school psychologist and so she got her school to pay for her to go to this convention that I was speaking at.
And so she's sitting in the audience and I'm giving my first like hour keynote about my brain injury and like about all this stuff and I'm making people laugh and I'm doing my thing and I'm just thinking, wow, that must be really hard for her to sit back there and sit there and listen to me say all this and to relive all this again and oh my God, I do this like all the time.
Like I I tell this story. I relive her, her biggest fear all the time on for the masses. So that's, that's part of that, you know, those emotions as well as is wondering if I'm hurting other people by retelling this story because it is an emotional traumatic story. So to have made that my career, it's like, oh sorry, mom and dad, we're all good now. Finger guns.
Jenn Junod
I get, I get that and just it, you, you said something along the lines of like that anger of like having to have brain surgery and my feelings of it were almost the opposite of the, I was so nervous that they would tell me no, because I was in so much pain all the time and it would hit me so randomly like there was a time where one of these like insane headaches happened while I was driving and I had to pull over because I couldn't open my eyes.
And luckily my, sister was with me and she was able to get in the driver's seat. and like we were able to still go where we were supposed to be going. And it was, it was like such a sense of relief when they finally were like, yeah, we need to do surgery. And even though they said, hey, this might be, this might work, this might not work, you know, we don't know.
you might have to have it again in 10 years. We don't know because it was like, such an odd situation. And I think that just as you're telling your story, I'm even going well, shit in a week, a week from today, I'm gonna have two more surgeries and that's gonna mark 11 surgeries in my life. And it's the type of thing that surgeries scare me and they don't scare me.
And I, I remember for brain surgery I was just like, this is, this is fine. Like, it'll be a fine and I don't think I've ever even, like, really processed the fact of how many surgeries I've had and the type of impact it's been because it's been different parts of my body. It's not just all in my head. I've only had one on, you know, my, my brain, it's been wisdom teeth, like they had to actually put me under, my sinuses, my tonsils, my left breast never developed.
So I had to have an implant, on my left side. And next week I have to have two surgeries. for those listening, this is definitely coming out post surgery. So hopefully I'll be doing good then. But, end of February, I'm having a boob job and a hysterectomy and it terrifies me. Not the fact that I'm like, not gonna be able to have kids like I'm planning on adopting and Tyler and I have talked about this a million times, but it's the fact that is it gonna take all the pain away?
Am I finally gonna be normal? Having a boob job? That is that gonna make me normal? And I think so many of us go and don't really think about what surgery does to us. Not just like what they say the anesthesia can be in your body for up to like three months and can cause a lot of really bad side effects. But the actual implementation, implementation, implementation, I'm horrible at words but like what that's gonna do to us and the fear is before and after and I can only imagine that before
you guys called your sister made you call and be like, you know, this isn't normal because I know for so many of us it's like we don't wanna acknowledge it because we just want it to be normal. We just wanna be normal and it's really hard dealing with that life and that fear and how do you go through and relive this story every single time?
Like how are you even able to do that? Because I know with the podcast, I can bring up little bits and pieces and you know, I get to talk about a ton of different situations which is super fun, but it's hard to relive your story and be able to share that to give strength to other people and how do you do it?
Mimi Hayes
Well, first I think to address what you're saying about surgeries like, absolutely. Like, I also think we don't take into consideration that if someone's surgery, you know, you get some kind of like, period of time where it's like, ok, you had a surgery and, like, you have the, like, physical aspects of having just had a surgery and then the next week goes by and then the next week or however long you're in the hospital and then you're home and then you're right, you're better when
you may be forever changed. So I think that that should change too in the conversation of how we talk about any kind of surgeries. I've had friends that have had, yeah, just things you can't see. It's not always as, as prevalent as like here's my broken arm and my cast and then the cast comes off. Well, even if it does come off, what if you have, you know, you still gotta do pt whatever.
Like there are so many things that we just don't discuss around that and it's like really just normalizing like surgeries and not being ok and that it's complicated and nuanced. That's the first thing that I think we should, you know, get on board with and then how do I do it? I don't know. I mean, I know and I don't know because, I think, well, first of all, I'll say this, I was, I was terrified of publishing my first book.
I was very, very scared that I was going to release this book about my brain injury. People would read it, then they would see pictures of me videos of me standing using my limbs talking looking like I am not a disabled person. And I thought that people that were truly experiencing those, those long it effects of a brain injury would come for me.
I thought they would come for me and be super upset with me. And you know how dare you joke about, you know, a handicap parking spaces when you don't need one and you can drive and you can see and you know, all these things, I was very scared that, you know, I wasn't like disabled enough, which I think is really sad. But the truth of the matter is that those are my biggest fans and those are people that I've inspired and feel seen and heard.
And so even though yes, it is really hard to tell this story all the time when sometimes I'm like, oh gosh, you know, that was a lot. is that by telling this story, I'm helping somebody else and helping them see that they're not alone or they're not crazy for, you know, you know, whatever they're feeling that someone else can't understand because you really can't understand it unless you go through it yourself and you see what it feels like to, you know, and you said you pulled over on
the side of the road and had that migraine. I thought I have those days too. I've been in public, I've been at podcasting conventions and I've had to hide, find a place to hide and, you know, put a, put a towel on my head and pop a, you know, Tylenol and pray for a swift death. You know, I'm like, I get migraines and I, those, those days happen, I get overwhelmed.
I have to take a five hour nap, you know, just because I need that and I can never predict those days when they're gonna come and how I'm gonna, I guess be in society if I'm gonna be up to par, if I'm gonna look like I'm a slacker or whatever these things are. But I know that I'm not alone in it. I know that there are people out there that they're going through the exact same things as me and that brings me confidence and makes me wanna push harder to tell this story in other ways, you know, I
just moved out to L A. So I'm like, let's make this a TV series. Let's see. Let's finally see our first comedy where the main character has a brain hemorrhage. There are zero. It doesn't exist because it's not, it's not typical, it's not, you know, your run of the mill. I mean, you'll see, I mean, they are getting much better about representation in Hollywood.
They, you know, LGBT Q and showing more disabled people, you know, coming up to the, the front here. But in terms of like comedy, my genre, it doesn't exist yet. You know, there's not a main character that, that looks like me and who looks, you know, quote unquote, air, air quotes normal but is very much, you know, sees the world differently now because of that, experience. So stuff like that, that no matter what I'm going through or how hard it feels or how crazy I feel to be an artist,
you know, a starving artist, whatever you wanna call it. It's moments when I'm like, oh, I, someone reached out, someone came up to me after my TED talk and they're like, we need to connect right now. It's so important that we connect and I'm like, oh my God, yes, like you have no idea how much that meant to me. So that's why that's, I think that's honestly, that's what I think that's the only way I can keep going, you know, I appreciate that.
Jenn Junod
And I remember the first time that somebody said, well, you don't look like somebody that had brain surgery and they told me that and I was like, I didn't know, it looks like somebody had brain surgery. Like, how are you gonna know? like, unless it's somebody with short hair and you can literally see the scars. Like, why does that look like something particular?
And I know that that is to your point a stigma that definitely needs to change and not being disabled enough or being able enough. Like I think that's a, it's a hard stigma to even wrap your head around. And I know that we're getting closer and closer to time. Is there anything that you specifically wanted to cover today that we haven't?
Mimi Hayes
Oh Just I think, yeah, some of the things that we just don't, that shit that we don't talk about is everything that's under the surface is that when you say that to somebody, when you say you don't look like you had brain surgery, you have no idea the implications of what you've just said. You've now told someone that they, they look a sort of way, they don't look disabled enough.
But if they're saying they're disabled then shouldn't they be in a wheelchair? You know, you're saying all these things and it's, it can really impact somebody. And I know that a lot of us have said we've had those terrible things said to us, you know, I used to be a high school teacher so I did end up teaching for about two years after I quote, unquote healed.
Right. So three months out of brain surgery, I'm back in the classroom. I shouldn't have been, I should not have done that. I should have taken like a year to just chill. But for me, I just wanted to be a teacher so, so badly. And, went ahead and did that and it was, it was truly terrifying. It was very hard to do that job and it was hard to convey to these kids what I needed, you know, like to say the, ok, you know, it's, it's very loud in here.
I'm gonna need you guys to like, tone it down, but I, I had no filter. I could hear everything I could hear the pencil taps. I could hear what somebody had in their headphones in the very back row. You know, I had a heightened sense of hearing, you know, I had like a little spidey sense and so I was constantly overwhelmed and then you have, you know, the adults and how they react to you.
So I will never forget this. This is just, it's gonna be in the TV show, I tell you, it's just, it's tragic. It's, I think it's humorous but it's also, it's based on reality, but I would come up, you know, to the copy room, I'd be making my copies. It's like 7 a.m. you know, 630 maybe actually just like making copies trying to just like, I'm literally, if I could have taped my eyelids open, I would have, I was so epically tired and I'm just running my copies through and visibly, you know,
looking out of my mind and the assistant principal would come up. I kid you not every morning, every morning, she would say this to me, she'd be like, oh, do you have a late night? Oh, you young uns, you kids and your late nights in your twenties and your, oh, you better have a coffee, you better wake up, you know, you better get jazzy and it's like, I'm not out here partying, I'm fighting for my life every day to do this job, to be a human, to be a person in this space.
And so having those conversations, you know, I, I know it's just, it's, it's a lack of education and awareness is just what it is. And so I don't feel any kind of anger. I just, I laughed at that and go, oh my gosh, if only they knew because I never had the confidence to say, hey, actually, no, you know, I, I do have a brain injury and I'm fighting to stay alive right now.
So maybe we can stop looking, you know, saying how tired I look today because I know I know I do. That's why I have a cig in my classroom so I can have at least 4 to 5 cups of coffee on demand, you know, in the classroom. So I was definitely jacked on caffeine and, you know, would try all kinds of things to be in that environment and ultimately, I couldn't sustain it.
I don't know who can even with or without a brain injury. That's a whole other conversation. You know, I, I couldn't last in that career. And now my struggle too is like, how do I sustain my health? How do I make a living? How do I exist in this space that is not built for people like me. How do I talk about, you know, my, my limitations without sounding like, oh, she just doesn't want to do the work, you know, she doesn't want to do the job.
And it's like, no, I just, I need, I, I need to not stare at a screen all day. I need, I need to get outside and see the sun. I need to walk around. I need to have time free where I'm not being buzzed and my attention is needed, you know, from different, you know. Oh my gosh. If I could just never have to email again in my life, I would, I would say that's it.
We're done. You can send me a, a sc a carrier pigeon with a little scroll. I would rather have that, please never, you know, I mean, you can, you personally, you can email me but in terms of like the working world and the attention necessary to be, it's very difficult, you know, and I wish there was more grace for that. I hope that more people start to see.
I read a very, very long and depressing article about burnout culture today. That really didn't have anything to do with disability. But it was just talking about how tired we all are, how everyone's quitting their jobs or, you know, getting laid off and they're just like we can't do anything, we can't sustain this, we cannot sustain, you know, capitalism as it is. And I think that's even more difficult for people that are suffering from any kind of brain injury or, you know,
neurological issues that is just really, really tough to exist in this space. But I see you, I hear all of you, you can email me. I will answer at some point and you know, I'm here for those people that wanna have those conversations because I know how hard it is.
Jenn Junod
What are some words of encouragement or words of wisdom that you would tell everyone?
Mimi Hayes
I would say, oh I would say like you can do hard things. I know it doesn't feel that way and there may be days whole months, years of your life when you feel like you're failing. but you're doing it, you're here for a reason. give yourself grace. You know, it, the stuff that you may have been through is very, very difficult and if it takes you a while, like you the rest of your life to work through this, that's ok.
You don't have to be perfect any sort of way. You don't need to be on top of your things. So this is just a little side note but someone from my college year. So pre brain injury, she's my friend now in L A and I've obviously changed a lot. I said, what, what was I like back in college? You know, like we could we go way back. She's like, well, I always thought you were pretty put together and I just started laughing because I'm like, I don't believe in that anymore.
I don't believe in being put together. I'm not put together. This experience has certainly taught me that life had other plans for me, you know, and so just letting yourself be and exist and take up space and say what you need and talk about how you feel and sit in that those feelings and those emotions just sit in them for a while. It's OK. It's ok to be mad, it's ok to cry.
It's OK to do all these things you need to do, just shut the door, you know, put your little you know, this is called a blanket. OK? Put a blanket over your head and just kind of just chill for a while. Just let yourself be know that that's ok. That's totally OK. It's more than OK. It's needed. I don't know how people get by without letting themselves feel these things.
Jenn Junod
You know, we're, we're perfectly, we're imperfectly perfect, perfectly imperfect. I think both. I think both. I'm going with both and last question of the, of the episode. What is something that you're grateful for.
Mimi Hayes
Oh, my goodness. Well, we're gonna be here for a while.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
I said something, not all the things
Mimi Hayes
I am, honestly, I am really grateful for my sense of humor. it's gotten me through the unthinkable. It's gotten me through things that when I say them out loud they don't sound true. You know. but when I talk about them, I have the ability to laugh about them myself to help others see that these things are ok. That shit happens. But I think I'm very grateful for, for my sense of humor.
Even though that being said with the caveat that I know that sometimes I use it in place of other things that I need. So I, I do need therapy. I do need to talk about these things. I do need to journal and sit in these emotions and be ok with that. But I've always been impressed at my, at my Yeah, just who at me, I've been impressed at me.
I'll say that throughout this whole process because I it's made me who I am now and I love that. I love that. I'm this goofy funny brain injured girl next door who will not even think twice about putting a giant foam brain over her head in front of a live audience at a TED talk. You got to see the point. It's pretty good.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. Yeah. Your episode will definitely be linked in the show notes. And for, for my piece of gratitude, I would say I keep looking because the window is over there and it's supposed to snow, it's supposed to snow shit to. And I keep going. It's snow coming, it's snow coming.
Like it's very distracting because I'm like, I just want to see the snow that snow and I used to hate the snow. I used to hate the cold. I used to hate the snow and I finally have giant boots and a giant poofy coat and I am grateful that I have learned how to live in Colorado.
Jenn Junod, Mimi Hayes
Yeah, because you're, you're from Phoenix.
Jenn Junod
Yeah. Like I've been, I, well, I've moved around a lot and that's a story for another day. But I've found Arizona, Idaho, Colorado. Arizona, Indiana, Arizona, Colorado. Yeah, I think that's it. so there's been a lot of them, but thank you, Mimi for being on the show today. I greatly appreciate it and I know our audience will too.
Mimi Hayes
Thank you. Bye bye. See you later.
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